The Ephemeral Sea Snail

Guess what? I've got a job!

The Good Lady leapt up from her chair and started doing a wonky-looking dance like an American trying Scrumpy for the very first time.

You have gone and done what?

I asked as I fiddled with my laptop in an attempt to make my HiveFest avatar look less like a fucking goon.

A job! I got a job! Wooooohoooooo!

She started spinning around, whooping and whipping imaginary cattle.

Really? That's bloody marvellous, lass!! Well done!

I slung my laptop to the side and joined her in the invisible cow rustling.

Some moments later we collapsed back into our chairs, the cattle safely back in their grassy pens or wherever the fuck imaginary cattle go.

I didn't even realise there was a job on the go that you were looking at!

I beamed at her. My girl. Always pulling something unexpected out of the bag just when it was needed.

Things had been a little tight lately with her not having worked for a gabillion years after expelling half her innards out along with the babies she birthed.

I shuddered as memories of blood and screaming and bags of giblets being pulled from angry red octopuses rolled into my mind.

Well, I wasn't actually looking...

Thankfully the Good Lady's voice pulled me back from my PTSD wanderings and into the present.

But you know Mad Mags? Remember when I looked after her son last week for a couple of hours?

I nodded, how could I forget. The son in question looked like the type of grub that you see doctors pull out of people's skin on Youtube.

The Good Lady carried on despite my grimace at her reference to the grub-sitting.

Well, it turns out that she works for a place that is heavily involved in assessing the safety and rights of Children and you know that is something I have championed for a long time...

The Good Lady twittered on about children and something something something.

Whilst she droned on, I furtively moved the mouse on my laptop in a continued attempt to make my HiveFest avatar not look like the profile pic of a child snatcher.

And so, she said that her boss was in fact a friend of Jonathan? Remember Jonathan? Jonathan gave me a buzz and said he was putting me on to his boss who was very interested and there we go. A couple of phone calls and emails later and boom, I got the job!!

Her happy smile twinkled at me like a supernova in the night sky.

I am awfully proud of you darling. Well done!

I chuckled happily like a badger finding a chicken carcass.

Thank fuck. It looked like this year we really would have a proper Christmas. We had been tightening our belts and watching the pennies. Her Doula work had dried up after the COVID nonsense of the last couple of years and the lack of cash had been painful at times.

But now? Now I was the fucking Daddy. Another wage coming into the house. I would be able to get back to wiping my arse with gold doubloons.

Images of the heady days of double wages danced around me. I could get that big fucking guitar with a million strings, I could maybe get the brakes fixed on the car, hell, I might even stick my penis in a jam jar and charge people to see my Sea Snail.

When you have money, the world dances to a different tune.

I know it's only a volunteer job but the training they are offering is excellent and although only a couple of days a week, the experience I gain will be invaluable.

The Good Lady sighed a happy sigh and flicked her hair over her shoulder.

I frowned. Something had just happened. Something that wasn't quite right.

Volunteer? As in a volunteer job..? As in... No money?

I croaked painfully like an old lady burying her placenta in a moonlit field.

Yes, no money as such. But with the experience and training, I will be able to step into a job in this area really easily. You still proud of me? Even though it's not a paying job?

She made a moo-moo face and I resisted the urge to pick her up and throw her into the kitchen bin with the rest of the trash.

I slowly stood and held my arms wide for a hug.

Come here you. Of course I am proud. We can manage with what we have for now. What's important is that you are happy and we are happy.

She wrapped her arms around me and I held her tight.

A single fat tear bulged from my eye and ran down my cheek.

The gold doubloons and the Sea Snail would have to wait...

For now.