I Ain't Maskin

I shoved the door open to my office and swept in like a tornado of handsome.

Hey hey, guy. What's shakin?

I called out to the security guard who was standing there like a cut-rate surgeon with his face mask and cheap-looking rubber gloves.

I contemplated asking him to come back to my house and give the toilet a clean because the Good Lady had been eating her famous bean stew again.

Then again, perhaps not. he didn't look as if he had ready access to blasting gear.

GardyLoo stepped forward till he was sort of near me but still miles away. He raised a hand up and moved it about elaborately as if I were a small jet approaching his runway.

You don't have a mask?!

His muffled voice eked out of his mask like a fart through a duvet.

A mask? What am I? Zorro, the master of the blade?

I skipped about and poked an imaginary sword at equally imaginary enemies.

Zorro? What's that??! No, anyway. Never mind. You don't have a mask... on your face?!

From what little I could see of GardyLoo's face which was mainly the top bit, he looked very concerned. Or perhaps he was doing a poo? Masks do make it hard to tell.

On my face though? What did he mean by that? Did he think I had one on my penis? How would that help anything?

You are correct, sir. I do not have a mask on my face!

I leapt to the side as if one of the imaginary bandoleros in my Zorro world had tried to shoot me with a gun.

You can't come in without a mask?

GardyLoo seemed to be struggling in this world of men who did not wear masks.

I wondered if he wore one in the evening whilst canoodling with his wife? Or his dog. He did look like a dog man. A labrador perhaps? They were known to be quite the affectionate creatures.

I don't have a mask. Therefore, I cannot wear a mask.

I said with a flourish, sheathing my imaginary sword and clicking my heels together.

But but... You need a mask?

He stuttered confusedly.

I took a reassuring step toward him causing him to jerk spasmodically and stagger backwards to maintain a solid two metres between us.

I don't need a mask. I need a new laptop and I am going up to the IT department to get one. Ok?

I stated with all the confidence of a man who has two tubes of squeezy hand sanitiser secreted on his body ready to whip out and start rubbing at the drop of a hat.

I will have to tell my boss?

Said GardyLoo hesitantly.

He seemed to have the most dreadful habit of saying everything as if it were a question.

My boss knows and he is bigger than your boss.

I breezed onward past GardyLoo and his questioning maskhood and into the office to get myself a new laptop.

Despite my initial trepidation at venturing out into the world, it was turning out to be quite fun.