Crypto Man

The sun was shining. Work was going well and the weekend was around the corner. I had just come off the phone to the good lady and she hadn't squirted any babies out of her hootenanny. So it would be fair to say I was feeling quite dandy. I was about to put my feet up when a familiar face trundled up to my desk and pulled up a chair.

Awrite Boomdawg?

It was my erstwhile bitcoin purchasing colleague from a fortnight ago. He looked a little tense, eyes shifting about like rabbit droppings in a clothes dryer. He edged his seat close to mine. I paddled my chair back a bit to give us some breathing room. There was simply no need to be in mutual hand-shandy distance.

He took a deep breath.

It's that bitcoin you sold me.

I groaned loudly and looked up at the ceiling.

What about it??

He pulled his phone from a murky pocket, it was covered in what looked like that slight grey/blue penis fluff that young men get.

I think it's been hacked.

He showed me the screen of his phone.

You think it's been hacked?

I said very slowly, with the same voice that I reserved for snarling dogs or idiots.

Aye, it says I only have 37 quid. You sold me fifty quid. So has it been hacked?

I resisted the wild urge to pick up a chair and throw it at him.

The price of Bitcoin has fallen since I sold you it. It is worth less now, that is all. No hacking.

He looked peeved. I could see his thought processes as plain as day. He had thought he had lucked into the crypto lottery and his fifty quid ticket was going to see him driving a lambo in no time. Afraid not this time chummy baws.

Sometimes Bitcoin goes up... Sometimes it goes down. Look, the important thing to remember is the trend, long term it has increased. Just sit tight. Everything will be fine. Anyway, It was only fifty quid remember.

He looked sulky. Like a big boisterous dog that has woken up at the vet's and discovered his testicles are gone.

What do I do next then?

There was a glimmer of hope in his voice that the Boomdawg, master of all things crypto will fix things for him.

C'mere you.

I stood up and motioned for him to do the same. He stood up, still with his confused wee face. I gave him a big toothy smile.

Lap it up dude. You're a crypto man now!

I accompanied this with a rousing slap on his arse.

He gave a muffled squeak, like a shaved mouse in a body cavity before stomping off muttering that I was a nutter.

You're a crypto man now!

I shouted after him. Aahhhh. I sat back down and hummed a jaunty tune. What a great day.