Copper Beers

...and you promise that you won't get too tiddly, Daddy-Bear?

The Good Lady looked a little fraught as she bade me goodbye on the doorstep.

It was a relatively sunny late summer day in Scotland. Which in essence meant that it was cloudy as fuck with more than a barely concealed threat of rain loitering about in the air.

But at this particular moment, the Sun had fought through the clouds and blessed us with some golden beams.

I tipped an imaginary hat to the Good Lady and gave her the cheeky smile of a jackanape about town.

Don't fret milady. I will keep an eye on what I am drinking.

I blew her a kiss turned on my heel and headed off.

It was going to be a good day. I was with my mate Peach and we were heading to the local beer festival. Our fists were raw from the bumping and our shoulders ached from the congratulatory slaps we kept giving each other regarding our escape from the drudgery of parenting and husbandry.

When I say husbandry, I mean the duties of a husband not running about a farm with our fists up cows arses and the like.

And when I say the duties of a husband, I mean the bad bits like doing the dishes and standing on Lego pieces with bare feet. The good bits can be alright at times.

How much money you taking?

Asked Peach tersely as he furiously puffed at a spitty little roll-up.

Millions man, fucking all the money.

I replied with a spring in my step.

Me too. Hope there are some decent beers on today.

He looked almost worried for a moment but that could just have been the cheap baccy he was smoking which made him smell like an old man's balls.

How much you drinking. You just said you would be careful?

Peach flicked his roll-up away and popped a mint in his mouth so that he smelled less of old man's balls and more like old man's balls that have been licked by a minty dog.

Ah, young Peachy. I said I would be keeping an eye on what I was drinking. I said nothing about quantities. Come, my friend. Let us not fear the beer, let instead the beer fear us!

And with that, we turned the corner into the park where the Beer Festival was being held.

It was a fine do, packed with people taking advantage of any excuse to get drunk in the afternoon. We quickly made our way to one of the many bars in a big tent.

I perused the list of beers on offer.

I will have some Technosex.

I said without a hint of irony.

Hmm, I will have some of the Nectarnomicon.

Said Peach looking at the beer list suspiciously as if it were a goat wearing a bra and knickers.

Fuck it. Me too. In fact, get me one of them and a Technosex. It is half past twelve, we have a lot of catching up to do.

He nodded furiously. The Festival closed at 8PM giving us only nine and a half hours. We had a lot to cram in.

We found a spot on the grass and I sat sexily on a little hummock as if I were a damsel riding side-saddle on a white horse. The Nectarnomicon went down fast. It was rather tasty.

The Technosex on the other hand was vile. Still, putting aside all shreds of decency, I forced myself to slurp it down.

My turn. Want the same again?

I stood up, shaking imaginary ladies off of my thighs.

Aye, that Technosex was fucking rank but go on.

I headed off and racked us up another fine pair. Which we swiftly demolished again.

It's alright, isn't it?

Said Peach as we leaned against a convenient fence post.

I looked out at the revellers running or falling about the field.

Aye, it's not bad.

We took turns trotting to the beer tent and the toilet and the afternoon fell into an easy rhythm. It was as I was tasting a particularly noxious raspberry concoction that I noticed a spanner-faced young man sidle up to us.

Alright guys, having a good time?

He said, speaking out of the side of his mouth as if he were a ventriloquist.

I looked in vain for his dummy but there did not appear to be one.

Aye, it's not bad. Cheers.

I tipped my glass at him. Peach did likewise whilst puffing frantically on yet another little roll-up.

Are you guys looking for any gear? Pills, powder?

The Ventriloquist had a hand in his pocket which he moved around as if there were a Gerbil under his coat. I flared my nostrils and stood up straighter than I had been.

Looks like it's not your lucky day young man. We are Police. Hand over what you have got and get to fuck or we will arrest you.

Sternly I waved my glass at him.

What?!

The Ventriloquist's eyes boggled, his eyes darting left and right in a panic.

Come on, hand them over or we will have to take you in.

I fished about in my pocket and flashed a library card at him before tucking it away again.

I don't have anything I was just making conversation...?

The Ventriloquist squeaked like a rusty hinge.

Listen, youngster. If we take you in you will end up getting shagged up the arse in jail. Is that what you want?

Peach bellowed before letting out a smoky burp like an old car.

The Ventriloquist's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Wait a minute, you're not Police? You are just a couple of wankers!

He gave us the finger and ran off.

I shook my head at Peach.

Really, you had to go full-on for the arse shagging in jail. I swear, we nearly had him there!

I poked Peach in the arm.

Sorry mate, I'm not as good at pretending to be a drunk policeman as you are.

Peach coughed smokily like a Greek wildfire.

I nodded slowly.

It was true. I am a great drunk Policeman. I nudged his shoulder.

Come on, let's get some Technosex.