I was hospitalized for two days and I just got home. My stomach got pumped.
I tried to overdose on pills as I really wanted to end it this time but even killing myself was something that is beyond me.
I am currently in suicide watch from my family and they just can't understand why I wanted to end it this weekend.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I sent my resignation without a care. I had to pay for the hospitalization of course and my throat is dry as a desert.
I don't have any appetite to eat as I only want to play video games and sleep.
Man why couldn't I die.
Hey man I hope you read this.
First of all Mav man, you are generous, kind and you fight for rightenous. Something this world needs. If more people were like you we would have a damn nice place to live in.
You are right, in this world it is not easy to change people who only think of themselves. People who never think of the well being of others, will not change. That is a fact.
I always say that there are two worlds in every case. A "possitive" and a "negative" world. I am not saying I understand your world and what you are going through right now. What I can say is that you have made a difference in Promo-Mentors. Don't ever forget this. You have supported me when I started the community while spreading joy in the whole team. Now you are away it is different, it isn't the same as when you were around and I hope you will come back. From my angle as I only have you seen you during that period, I can say with no doubt that you have made a difference. It might not be what you had in mind, but without you knowing maybe, you have made a big difference in Promo-Mentors. The team members love you, @dedicatedguy has sent your post in the group, and I am sure our team members will immediately write a comment once they have woken up.
Whether you like to admit it or not you have left an impact in Promo-Mentors and we are with you. I am here. Hit me up on Discord man I am always available on there.
(If you want a voice call I have to reconsider though) :P
I genuinely had to laugh at the voice call hahaha How I needed that laugh.
Your words are a balm to my troubled soul FT and I have been hoping I could go back and be the same person I was a couple of months ago but i am having some trouble in believing in me again.
Its been quite some time since I have been active in any communities and even local ones that I have I have mostly disappeared.
I don't really know how I am going to be able to get around in getting better as therapy, talking and doing other stuff is simply not cuttingt it.
That is why I decided to end it but even that I couldn't do and now I am still alive with hospital bills to pay lol.
Sometimes I still wish I never woke up nor be sent to a hospital.
Oh Maverick, man I don't know what you are going through that makes you consider suicide an option. I can't claim to understand any of it but I just want you to know that life, despite its pains, can be beautiful.
You are a kind man and I count you among my friends here on steemit. Don't let the pressure of living get to you please. Hold on some more, there's always light even in the darkest of storms.
Please do get better. I hope to see you around on discord soon, chatting, helping, loving, living. If you want to talk, i am willing to listen. I love you man, be safe.
Thank Warped it means a lot to have been said that. I truly want to see the beauty of life but all I see are the disappointments of having fought for it. For caring about others.
Life has not been kind to me.
Hopefully i see something that will spark the will to live again
Mav , reading this took off my breath for a while so i had to wait before coming and commenting . Brother , you are one of the kindest people I know .. from the comments you can see of everyone reaching out to you is that you are really appreciated , loved and missed to be around with . I certainly enjoy when you hop around for chat brother , please come around and let us help you in any way we can . We will always be around for a chat and loving family support . Life can be hard sometimes but it's always worth living , no matter how low we can reach .. there is always a reason to keep going . I have suffered of deep depressions too.. I know how it is to be there... please .. let me help you . I send you huge lovewaves my dear friend.
Oh Pechi how I wish I can go back to the old me that joked around with you and Meno. Those times were the best and I was still happy and could still see some beauty in life even if I didn't see it in Avocados lol
I'm so lost these days that I don't know how I even function. I don't even eat lately and have to be threatened to eat or drink water.
I feel I am wasting away and I don't know how to come back.
They say Dying is easy, it is living that is the hard part.... and since misery loves company, i guess we all here want you to live.
Even though I don't know you and most here probably don't either, we are glad you are still here, and probably humbled by your most courageous post of such a personal matter.
In the end it is your path to choose....really it is just whether you choose those around you and us included to accompany you on your path, or whether you choose to go it alone.
Whatever you choose, I honor your candidness and openness.
Full Steem Ahead!
Thank you. Indeed dying is the easy part. It is the coward's choice to choose what is easy.
I was miserable for the last couple of months and should have removed myself from incidents that was making me unhappy. maybe if I acted then and given up I wouldn't be this broken.
Just too many maybes going through my head.
Mav, first.. can I just say your courage to write this post is humbling... I know it’s not an easy thing to do. I know you are struggling and feel broken, but.. you are beautifully broken and have so much to offer this world. This post alone could be changing a life and you don’t even know it. We not only encourage people through our triumphs but our utter defeats.. and watching someone who is going through what you are going through, someone you relate to, someone who is struggling just like you, watching them get back up when they fall down is the most empowering thing anyone can do for another. I’m asking you to let us help you get back up. Let’s help not only heal your brokenness but let’s help those that also feel broken that are watching you, and relate so much. You’re so loved man.. and this life is crazy sometimes.. but it’s worth living. We are here for you. Come to helpie and let us support you through this ❤️
Thank LL I truly thank you and all the crazy helpies that have come along and offered such nice words.
I hope that I can find my way back into wanting to live. At this moment all I can do is just wallow on self pity and on the pain of life disappointing me.
I don't know how I can get back again when it feels like such a deep hole without any hope.
I feel so broken that I can't be put back together again.
Hey there @maverickinvictus, I am sorry you have been suffering so much as of late man, but I am sure you know negative periods never last forever, eventually things turn around and happiness finds it way back.
I know you can be a really creative person, so maybe you could try to express your frustrations in the most honest way possible by making use of your creativity, and maybe by doing this other people or even yourself can realize what to do to overcome these difficult moments.
I hope you are well my friend and I wish you a lot of happiness.
Thank you so much man. I know that there is a silver lining out there and just seeing all these messages made me thankful for people to stop by and leave encouraging words.
Wow...am in shock. There is nothing you cannot overcome dear - no trouble or circumstamce, including depression. I'll put you in my thoughts and I pray you recover quickly in all ramifications
Thank you Eremmy for the thoughts and prayers
I know that it’s likely nothing anyone could say right now would help... And I don’t know what’s going on in your life so that goes especially for me... But I’m glad you’re still with us in the waking world. Big love to you m8, and I’m sad to see someone struggle like this <3
Thank you for the words of encouragement that I am still here
Oh nooo, I am so very sad to read this. I have been there and if you need to talk please DM me on discord.. I will listen. This damned awful world still needs you, please please stay. Sending love and healing. Hang in there. Here for you. ♥
Oh Serena I want to find my way back to life and at this moment I can't see anything that can do that for me, I can't find anything that might want me to stay.
I am so lost.
You can always dm me if you ever need to talk and get your thoughts out, okay? I want so badly to help you. I've been down in that hole and I know that it's not a good place to ever be all alone.
Damn. This is heavy news.
My dad tried that at aged 40 and had 5 children afterwards, including me, and so I think better days will come.
Wow Asher that is something profound.
Hopefully I do find something that will really get me back on track.
You will, just got to stick around to find out :)
Hey Mav, it truly saddens me to read this. I think I know you a little by now, and can tell you for sure that you have loads of people caring about you and loving you, me included. All you have to do is to read all these comments here to realize that you are someone who's very much appreciated. I'm so sorry that you feel lost, useless and helpless.
I do have some tougher words for you, however, and I'm sorry but you need to hear them. My best friend lost her little brother to suicide, and her and her family's life has never been the same ever since. Suicide destroys families, forever. Parents blame each other for it, and everyone ends up psychologically scarred.
I know you have a sister too and I'm sure you wouldn't want to put her or your family through this, so please seek the professional help that you need, be it therapy or medication if you have depression, but you need to look for help outside of friends and family circles. I wish you strength and courage my dear friend and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here!
Oh Eve seeing all the wonderful messages left here make me indeed see that a lot of people do care.
It is me that is the problem. The one that feels so helpless and worthless. I can't see who I am at this point.
I have been talking to my therapist for some months now but feel we are in an impasse. Nothing is working. words or drugs. Even prayers feel that it is not working Eve.
I am so lost on what to with my life right now and all I want to do is hide away.
if you could be anyone or anything, without limitations (of course still within reason), what would it be? What makes you forget your life just for an instant? Kickboxing? Gaming? You need to find something that you love doing and that gives you purpose. Everyone has something, I know you do too!
I would say I want to open a restaurant again. I was really happy in managing and buying ingredients when I was in the restaurant business.
ok perfect =) I'm glad you quit your job because it made you miserable =) This new project seems like a much better fit for you! and please make sure it has at least one vegan option ahahahah
One vegan option, but the other 99% all meat!
vegan or vegetarian offers better profit margins, because meat/fish is expensive and needs to be cared for properly not to make you sick (frozen, or properly refrigerated etc). Veggie restaurants make more money because they sell their dishes at the same price, just without the hassle =)
Pagaling ka sir.
Hopefully I can
I know you can sir.
omgosh Mav... Can you contact me on discord? I think you are an incredibly awesome guy and I want you to know why. I'm at davemccoy#2479... You have a terrific life ahead of you and I will help you understand why... Trust me on this one, I know what I'm talking about.
Please reach out.
Oh Dave I don't know what to do right now. I am so lost that I don't know how to get out of this hole
contact me on discord Mav... Lets talk... I am a problem solver by nature and I care about you... so open your discord and lets figure it out!
I am here for you Mav... I might go to sleep, but if you message me then I will respond when I wake. Sometimes things seem horrible and they will never get better (trust me I have been there), but that's never true. When I tell you the things I've had to deal with you will understand. So trust me Mav, you got a lot of awesome things you can do in your life. You just have to see it and I will help you to do exactly that!
ok Mav... I'm going to sleep. I don't want to bug you, but you really should contact me. I'm not going to judge you or bitch at you. I'll be around tomorrow and all weekend and I sure hope you contact me! Keep your head up and realize that this will pass... Everything in life is overcome-able. Don't forget that.
Still thinking of you Mav! I want you to join our steemmonsters guild and have some fun and earn... we are doing well, but can't do anything unless you reach out to me! I'm traveling the next few days, but if you want to join, I'd love to have you... Its called Team Possible!
Hey mav, It really makes me sad to hear that you’re hurting like this but I'm glad that you have come hear to post about it. It's a sign of strength to be able to talk about it! Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. Love you :))
Thank you for the kind words. One of the things that really helps me is to be able to write things. It helps give me perspective.
I am lost right now and I am hoping by writing I am able to find my way back.
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I need to tell you something, but I don't know what it is. mostly, I'm glad you're still here. That means another chance for YOU to recognize the reasons why you should be here, as opposed to why to end it. Another day for those who do love you to have you in their lives. Another time to latch onto something, anything. Find it this time. Don't try too hard. It's there. :)
Thank you Glen. I hope to be able to find it because at this moment I feel so very loss and I don't know what to do
I don't think it needs to be anything big, mav. The smallest of things will do. And I believe there are many of those. But you're the one that has to see them. You can. Nothing happens instantly. But there is good in your life, all around you. You've seen it. You can see it again. The bad will still be there. It doesn't really ever leave. It will want to drag you down. But it only wins when you believe it. Otherwise, it can be held back, because ultimately, it doesn't have the power to prevail. One breath. One step. One bite at a time. It starts with a moment and moves onto the next one.
The answer is simple. It's not your time. You may feel like it is, but you're still here for a reason. We all have a purpose. We may never figure it out. I firmly believe in the ripple effect. We meet people for a reason, why or how they came into our lives whether it is something we need or something they need or they will pass on to someone else, there is a purpose to it all. I think by the actions of your family and the outpouring here on Steemit people do care.
I know if I can make it through, you can. If you need to play video games and sleep right now, then that is what you do. Eat when someone 'makes' you even if it's just a few bites. Don't think right now. Don't analyze it will keep your head spinning and you need to get the spinning to stop. If you zone out and don't think when you're playing games, right now that's good. Sleeping is your body's way of healing both physically and mentally. It helps work out the problems going through your mind. My only other recommendation is 5 minutes outside in the sun. If you start with just a 1 minute that's ok, the next day make it a little longer. Stare at the sky and the clouds, then go back to what you were doing. If a thought pops in shout Squirrel or Shiney. It's just a distraction to stop the thought. That's all.
I don't think you can make anyone understand how your feeling, unless they've been there. I know there's that part that of you that feels you're making things better for others. To not worry about you or 'have to deal with you'. No you're not selfish and don't believe anyone who tells you that or you were wrong. These feelings are normal and natural. It's the acting out like you did that people don't understand or frown upon.
I admit I have a plan and a back up plan. It's hard to say, if you want to get put in the hospital you say that to any doctor and they will. My therapist knows this. I did ask her to trust me that I won't act out. Since I don't show any signs, I am pretty much left alone. That is by my choosing. I put on my mask, because I am surrounded by people that don't understand and don't want to understand. This time of year is hard for me. Not because of the holidays, but because of my birthday. I remember bits and pieces, but I don't know or remember the whole story at least the part from my childhood. I have gaping holes in those memories. My ex-husband played a major part in this too.
Each year I approach it openly. It's going to be different. I am choosing not to feel this way. Each year it ends up the same.
Hang in there please. For yourself.... No other reason. I know that's a hard thing right now. Right now is about YOU and taking care of yourself.
Thank you for the advise.
People want me to get out, to fix my life and to move on. It is not the end of the world they say. That I can bounce back. That I held it in so long and now that its in the open I can deal with it and be better.
Some say that I held it too long and it should be enough.
I haven't really gotten out the past three days. I haven't even walked my dog outside and he has been stuck inside the house looking at me with sullen eyes. I will take your advise on getting some sun becayse I know it does affect my mood when I don't get any sunlight.
I have been seeing a therapist all this time but I dont think she has been able to make any breakthroughs lately.
funny how you mentioned bday because it is nearing mine too and it was last year I decided to end it on my bday. Most studies show that depression is particular hard during holidays but I agree it is doubly hard when your birthday is near.
I hope that I can hang on and see the beauty of life. I really do.
You're so welcome. Just little baby steps. There is no timeline on getting better. It still upsets me when friends and family tell me 'Just get over it' Our brains do work that way. When it's been damaged the way ours has been, we don't even have confidence in ourselves to get through any time there is conflict, a degrading comment and so forth. Our brains automatically see the negative.
You're doing great. Just go moment by moment. The moments get longer then days. I'm sure you see where I'm going wit this. Tell your therapist how you're feeling that you're not progressing. Ask her about EMDR, it really helps. It takes longer for the bigger issues, but some of working through some of the smaller issues, helps ease some of the frustration.
You can hang in there, you might not see the beauty for a while, just don't rush it. I'll help as much as I can, as long as you want it. If I get too chatty tell me to shut up LOL. To be honest, you're helping me out too. This is forcing me to think rather than dwell or try to escape.
@maverickinvictus we are definitely missing you in the helpie world... and thanks for guiding some of us over there :). I swear I'll stop mentioning avocados, just sayin'. We do need more people like you, with such a big heart and strong principles. Sending you the well wishes and the good vibes and the hugs and the cookies, as much as you need. I'm glad many people have already reached out with support, and I hope it can show you where to find extra support through these difficult times. And bacon. I have an ear to lend you as well, you know where to find me. Much love~
Hey Eon yes the outpouring of support and kindness has been overwhelming and I didn't know that so many people cared.
Lol sometimes I miss the jokes and banter in discord.
I'm lost Eon. I don't know what to do with my life lately.
Well if you ask me, life is one big joke. I know that's probably not a good point of view to have, and can easily lead me down to a dark path too, but I make the most of it. What's the point? I mean, does there need to be a point? I definitely don't have the answers, but I think making the best of what we have is certainly good enough for me. And when I see all the dumb shit that happens in the world... Well, it somehow helps me to think of it as part of a bad joke. I don't know if this at all jives with your philosophy. If it does, great, happy to have shared it. Otherwise, don't listen to this idiot (aka me).
Cheers mav.
Oh Mave. I just wish I could reach through this screen and hug you right now. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way and I know there's nothing any of us can say that can change the way your feeling, but just know that you mean something to me, and I don't want you to die.
My son is the same and gone back to treatment for a third time this morning. It's a helpless feeling for those standing on the sidelines, but like him, this is not your time to go. You're worthy of life, although I know you don't believe that now. I truly hope, with all of my heart and soul, that you someday see your worth.
Big hugs my friend,
Love Lynn
Oh Lynn I am so sorry to hear that with your son. It is not the best feeling being able to look in and not be able to do anything but just wait.
Thank you Lynn for being there and just making sure I am okay. It means a lot to me.
Hey! It's nice to hear from you! How are you doing? Any better at all? I see you responding here, so that's something!
Thank you about my son; third time's a charm I hope :)
I think about you daily, really I do, and hope you're doing well. It's so strange developing relationships here, but never being able to meet in person. Who knows ... keep keeping your head above water my friend, and maybe one day I'll make it their for a holiday ;)
Mav life can be difficult sometimes, but after the storm comes the rainbow 🌈. I don't know you personally, but I read your post sometimes and I know you are talented and loved by a lot of people here.
If for nothing stay for the people that love you. Better day's are coming
I have waited for the rainbow. I have waited for the goodness of this world and I have mostly seen disappointment.
Hopefully it does come soon.
Hello Mav. I am really sorry that you are going through all this. Even though we have not seen physically but I want you to know that we love you and you are a positive vibe for us on promo-mentors and even the way you 'ginger' in helpie makes things more fun.
I will put you in my prayers for God's strength for you and I will ask people to pray for you too. The Lord be with you.
You have good things to achieve in like and you are going to fulfill your purpose for existing. Please put it in mind to search for that purpose and fulfill it.
It is well with you.
Hey Sey thank you so much for adding me to your prayers. God knows how I need it at this time.
I am hoping to get over this and become a better person.
I pray that you find hope for your day and understanding living in the modern age. Look to God. He understands all and loves us all.
I have been prayed over by friends and family who hope that I find my way back to living life.
Mav, I can't say I know you well enough, I am a fan of your stories, but from all the comments I am reading from everyone else, you sure are loved and would be missed. I know life can be shitty sometimes but, please hang in there. I'm horrible with words, so I guess I'll just send you a hug, from heart to heart in hopes of you feeling better.
Thank you gabyoraa sometimes I think that life can be beautiful and then life gives me the old suckerpunch and I feel bad again.
Hopefully I can be whole again.
Hey man, I really dont know what to say right now. I am so sorry that you are going through this. If you EVER need someone to talk to, please reach out. You are never alone. You have built up a huge support group here on the platform.
Hey DV I am so happy to see a lot of wonderful people leave me messages of hope.
They are all awesome messages that made me smile and cry as I lay in bed.
I don't know how to go back to being me before and how I can try to live life again.
I know I am being too hard on myself but I am just lost.
I am really sorry you are going through this. If you ever need to talk or anything, reach out to me. Youve made an impact here and have a lot of friends.
Mav sire, I don't know how to use words or anything but please, please, don't make a decision that would hurt friends like me and families. You have been a big mentor for me at promo mentors, please be safe sire, we care about you, I care about you.
Hey man it has been awhile and hopefully I will be back
Thank God you are safe
I was thinking about you just now
I went to your discord too
Hahah
There is no right thing to say when one is standing on the other side, looking in at someone's demons
But I just want to say, I have been at lows, have had thoughts of suicide, never had the guts to do anything about it, but the pain is unbearable. So bad, you just want to end it. For surely, numb is better than pain....
That was many many moons ago
Today, looking back, what was I thinking..
The thing that brought me down, and pushed me to the edge passed, and many good things came after
I am not entirely sure what's going on, and I won't pretend to, but I feel your pain and sending you love and light.
Hugs @maverickinvictus
thank you so much hopefully I can find the way back and see that there are good things in the world.
hang in there, you will
❤️❤️❤️
I know life can be hard sometimes man but know that all bad things wont last forever. Like the ocean, the waves ebbs and flows. Just treat life as a rollercoaster ride man, enjoy its highs and hang in there when youre down. If you need to talk with someone, you know im just a DM away man. Just know that a lot of people love you man, and taking away your life is usually not the best way to deal with your problem.
Hey Andy!
Yeah bad things don't last forever.
I know taking my life is taking the easy way out. It was the coward's way out.
Sana mas oks n pakiramdam mo ngyon. Hirap talaga labanan ang depression sobra hays. Pero dpat mas lakasan ntin ang pag pray at paghanap ng paraan para hindi humantong s gnyan klaseng sitwasyon. I am sure maraming handang makinig at dumamay sau lalo n at dami mo n ring kaibigan s steemit. oks yan ng gaming at tulog k para ma mkapag pahinga nmn utak mo sa pag iisip ng kung anumang gumugulo sau. laban lng dpat, habang may buhay may pag-asa.
salamat Zararina. sobrang tuliro na utak ko. Hindi ko na maintindihan ano ang gagawin ko minsan.
minsan nakakapagod din na tulog lang ng tulog pero yun ang gusto ng katawan at isip ko
Kuya yan ka na naman ah kaya pala ang tahimik mo sa steemit and sa mga GC.
Sorry Ankarlie oo medyo malaki problema ko ngayon.
Hello Mav. It is good you let out a bit of emotion through this medium. Find the strength to let everything out. You are a strong person from the little I know about you, don't allow the world and its problem to defeat you. Be strong and think about those people that care about you. Let their thoughts give you reasons to continue living.
I hope to be strong. For a long time I faked being strong and now don't know what to do.
I had hoped that the world would be a better place but reality often is harder than what we envision it to be.
Judd, we've journeyed on here since the beginning of the year. We're not in the same communities, but it is a joy when I do bump into you online. You are a giving, kind-hearted individual, and our sugar redfish, remember? Now, our sugar minnow. Life at the moment of existence is not how it will continue to be. Life evolves, people evolve, circumstances changes. I hope you never again become in a state of despair that you feel life ATM is how it will continue to be. Because it will change.
You have been posting continuously on here and had been on top with engagement from back in our days. I can tell you that those days are over for me. I was close to burning out and realized I had to stop myself. I had to find my own balance on here. I did just that and I am happy where I am. Live your life so you can find that balance between the real world, steemit, and all your other projects.
at this very moment will not continue to be the life you'll live in the future.I am going to tag @davemccoy on here. I know you are also a fan of Steem Monsters and when you are ready, you should join our team. We will work together to find our balance on here and I hope that you realize that life
Thank you for the words you gave. In the midst of trying to find the balance of living who I am want to be, who I am and what the world envisions me to be I had to make hard choices. I chose to be the person who I wanted to be but it seems it was in direct conflict with what the world wants me to be. Fighting for freedom and rights in a corporate world just is not so.
Many times I have been told to not bite the hand that feeds you. To not rock the boat and just sit there and smile as they steer towards the waterfalls.
It is not my place to do what is right but only do what they want.
I was talking to my sisters today who kept on insisting that there was nothing wrong with me. That I should not second guess myself all because of a bad boss. That it is not the end of the world for me.
I'm just not sure how to go on with my life.
Hey Mave, couldn't help but respond here. I'd love to see you reach a point where you don't care what your sisters think and do what's right for you. Change jobs, career paths, anything ... just follow your own heart. I quit teaching after 20 plus years to buy a burger restaurant; most thought I was nuts, but I said too f'n bad ... just don't care what you think, and I followed my dream of owning a restaurant. And I loved it! There was a time in my life where I would have done what everyone else thought I should, and swallowing my own wants, like a bitter pill. I've lost friends and family members over the years because I decided to do what was right for me. In the end, I realized that "those" people were not worth hanging on to.
You were born to be you, and you owe it to the world to show that person; let your light shine buddy!! You deserve to be happy, and to love yourself. xx
great message Lynn.. lets let Mav know we care and give him the wisdom of our life experiences... @maverickinvictus do you undetstand we got your back?
PLEASE TALK TO ME! T_T I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT REACHING ENOUGH! T_T