Hello, my friends! Today a little of depression. This rarely happens to me, but it does happen from time to time. Especially when "it" comes: My birthday. The closer it gets, then more the feeling of decay and the hopelessness. As if the weight of the whole world falls on my shoulders. You feel yourself so petty and insignificant that it's just horror …
About a month before this significant date, the summing up begins. But this does not mean that I deliberately sit down and write a list of what I have achieved in the past. On the contrary, the brain of treacherously begins an endless stream of issuing a list of unfulfilled dreams, missed opportunities and a like. No matter how I tried to prevent this and send the flow to a more appropriate channel, there are still signs of disappointment. Could not have been better.
Well, the apogee of all this disgrace is the leaping mood and throwing from edge to edge (hello to my husband =) thank you for enduring it all). I am ready to make a party for 100+ people, and after 5 minutes sit and sob from the fact that anyway no one will come, and will not remember my existence. And deep down I hope that "a magician will suddenly arrive in a blue helicopter," which will roll a grand surprise party. And besides, he will do everything I imagined in my red head. This all repeats itself not less than 10 years for now. So far I have not figured out how to cope with such a state of affairs, because it is as destructive as it is possible at all.
In the meantime, I am entering the final stage of my depression. The last week before the birthday is the most sad and dull. And the weather this year does not add to the joy. I'm going to wrap myself in a blanket and drink delicious tea …
Interesting that it affects you so much. I am the opposite: I couldn't care less about my birthday and probably wouldn't even notice when it came if I didn't get emails from my parents and a FB wall covered with well wishes. You know, I don't even remember the date half the time. Whenever I am filling out paperwork I always have to pause and think for a moment when it comes to date and age. Luckily my wife is often there to tell me what to write. haha
Funny enough, I just posted a haiku about aging to my steemit the other day. Here it is:
never never to grow old
was my intention...
the temple bell tolls
—Jokun
I gave a few more details about it in the post, but basically Jokun too was having something of a birthday moment, lamenting the fact that he had become old.
Anyway, good luck dealing with your depression. I enjoyed reading your post.