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Did you ever lose a friend all of the sudden, without having any explanation for it? I don't mean him dying or going into a coma. What I am referring to is to have an old time friend deciding out of the blue to shut you out of his life, without providing you any possible reason for his act.
The reason I am asking this is because it just happened to me! Someone very close to me, that I called family (without being blood related) suddenly turned his back on me and excluded me from his life. He was like my second dad and my son's grandfather, which makes it a bit hard to swallow.
Two months ago when I left to Europe, everything was alright. Before my departure, I passed by his place and separated on good terms. A month ago when I sent him an email with some photos of my son, again everything was fine. He replied to my email stating he was anxiously waiting for our return.
One day before we came back, he had a verbal disagreement (which was nothing serious) with his only best friend, who lives in the same building as me. In order to avoid him, he decided it would be a great idea to avoid me as well. He did not respond to any of my messages! Therefore I understood that because of their quarrel, I became collateral damage.
After four days of trying to reach him by phone, text and passing by his place two times, I realized that I had to stop. Initially I assumed that it was a mood, then I thought it was something serious going on with his health or that he went missing. Each time I called him phone, it was off and went straight to voicemail.
Last night when I was on my way back home, I drove on his street I saw the light was turned on. For a moment I was happy to see he wasn't missing or dead. I couldn't stop and pass by because my son was asleep in the car and it was already late. I was glad to have seen a glimpse of him through his window.
Though I could not understand why he felt the sudden urge to stay away from me? Knowing him, I thought he might have got cancer or a terminal illness and he was trying to keep me away in order not to be a burden to me.
Since this whole issue bothered me to the point that I was not able to sleep, I send him one email stating that I won't try to reach him anymore and if he ever needed my help or wanted to talk to me, my door would be open. What saddened me the most was that my son was really excited to see his "Papa" and I had to lie to him.
How could I explain to my 4 year old that his grandpa cared more about his own ego than him? It would not do any good. Thus, I told my son that his grandfather was travelling for a while.
This morning I was thrilled when I saw I got a text message from my friend. I was expecting some sort of explanation for his strange behaviour, but all I got was: " Please forgive me for being rude, but the only way to cut out S. out of my life, is to stop seeing you as well."
I was shocked to see that eleven years of friendship went so easily down the drain for him. His reason did not make any sense to me. To be honest, I was quite disappointed to see how little he valued my friendship. But this was clearly what he wanted. You can't force people to be in your life just because you love them! They're free to make their own choices and live their lives the way they want it!
Where does this leave me? Well, I guess this was a lesson I had to learn! Maybe it will make more sense somewhere down the road, but right now I am stuck with the bitter taste.
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Are you and the former best friend (the person he quarreled with) also good friends, or chummy or connected somehow so that trying to be friends with them both would be like having one foot in two warring camps? If not, then if I were you I wouldn't let this friendship go without more of an effort.
You say he's important to you and your son. Let him know that. Tell him this will be a terrible loss for you both (for all three of you, really) if he continues with this attitude.
If he's uncomfortable coming to your building -- because he doesn't want to risk running into this other person -- make arrangements to go to him. Meet at other locations -- a park, a restaurant, a place where you can all go for a walk, on a boat ride -- or a merry-go-round.
I know it's shallow and silly (and terribly sad) that he thinks to avoid his former friend, he must also avoid you ... but show him how much he means to you. Tell him. Write him. Go see him.
Try not to hold it against him that he can't handle his emotions better. Unless you have an ongoing relationship with the person he quarreled with, you can arrange a relationship with your friend that doesn't involve this other person. It may be tricky and a little uncomfortable at first, but if you are both willing to make it work, you can.
Of course, any relationship takes two ... but if he's as important to you and your son as you say ... I'd keep making the first move -- over and over until he told me straight out to piss off and leave him alone.
My feeling is ... he needs you more than you need him (honestly) -- and if you care for him, try not to let him hurt himself more than has already happened. You may have to be the "grown up" here for a little while.
(Any chance he's dealing with unrecognized depression, the onset of dementia, etc? To have broken off a "best friend" relationship over something trivial is odd behavior. His treatment of you is even more strange. This suggests to me he may not be thinking clearly for "other reasons." Please at least consider that.)
@enchantedspirit, thank you for your comment! The former best friend is my son's father who is a pretty cool guy and easy going with anything. That's why everything was so confusing for me. Him as well does not understand why his best friend got so mad at him and refuses to see him. Even so, with them two not being friends anymore, I imagined we could solve this like grown ups and meet anywhere else but my building.
I suspected there was an underlying condition or something else causing this, but can't know it for a fact because he doesn't want us around. Depression, dementia, late stage cancer, all these passed through my mind.
And because he is important to me, I chose not to let go, but to give him time and space.
Oh no @lymepoet, that must hurt, and really does not make sense but i guess that's how some people's minds work!
Hope your friend realises his folly, why some people believe in torturing themselves (& their friends in the process) is beyond me!
I tried to analyze this story and find the real reason but I couldn't as logic had nothing to do with it. Then I took Quill's advice and reached out once more.
Some people can't see the forest because of the tree that is in front of them. I agree with Quill, leave the bottle and the note, and then wait.
If your friendship meant anything at all to him, you will hear from him, it might take some time because like most men, he seems to stubborn.
If by chance you never get that call then you will know...
I took Quill's advice and now I am waiting. I know men are stubborn, but my friend is a special case...
Good decision, best wishes.
That's devastating. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts.
I'm sorry it happned to you. It's happened to me several times and now i have phobia for letting peope in
It's hard to let someone new in when you lost close friends in strange ways.
I can understand the hurt
I had a very, very good friend who did something similar and it hurt like crazy. I couldn't make sense of it. And years later, we started talking again. She never brought it up or apologised for what she did, and I pretend it never happened either.
Hugs, cliche but time will heal
Isn't strange that both of you never mention it again? Are you very good friends still or your relationship is different than it was before?
It’s different
We are more like fb friends
Birthday greeters
Talk about the good times from before in the old friends group chat
She invited me and I went for one of her birthday parties
It’s almost like that bad patch never happened haha
Because I was terribly hurt, I used to wonder if she would ever apologise but after almost 10 years of making contact again, it is safe to say it is not happening
And I am ok with it
That is certainly a bizarre state of affairs, it's a shame you have lost a good friend just because they fell out with someone else - and to avoid them they are avoiding you too.
I can not say I understand the logic, it seems very unfair on you and your son whatever his own feelings are. Sadly if his mind is made up there will be little you can do - such a shame though.
#thealliance #witness
Sometimes decisions are not logical and this time it seems he has a hard time to deal with his emotions. Whatever it is, I hope it will pass. Thanks for the resteem!
It's really sad when this happens, perhaps you can be encouraged to still reach out?
I did, now I am waiting to see what happens next. Time will tell.
That must really be confusing- why you and your son have to be shut out just because of someone else; I still hope he opens his eyes and sees that you've got nothing to do with it. 😯
I hope he will, because we'll miss him otherwise!
i am follow and upvote you @lymepoet
Thank you for passing by!
WOW I feel for you through this I think it is terrible the way he is behaving and treating you
From What I have seen you surely do not deserve to be dismissed in such an underhand way
Thanks, @tattoodjay! You're sweet!
Stop that you will ruin my reputation as a Tattoo’d thug :)
That's sad. Don't worry @lymepoet, perhaps he needs a little break. Only time can tell, and time heals almost all heartaches.
Be happy . xx
I know he likes to have space and time off, that's why I did not insist on confronting him directly because I did not wished for him to feel cornered. That would have added unnecessary pressure on the whole thing. I gave him the space and time to decide what he really wants.
Wow, that is really really tough. The reasoning makes no sense indeed - he could have talked to you about how you both could prevent him from needing to see/talk to that 'S' person - like adults.
My parents recently found back friends they suddenly lost 20 years ago - there were really good reasons for it now they've talked about it. They are now catching up time. I hope something similar happens for you and your friend :-)
That's exactly what I had in mind, making plans for meeting/seeing him somewhere out in the city, neutral place. But unfortunately he rejected my idea and chose not to have any form of contact with me. I am happy for your parents that they were able to reconnect with their friends after 20 years. I hope I won't have to wait that long ...
I'm sorry to hear this happening to you. Hugs, @lymepoet. I guess for a relationship to work, it needs the efforts of two hands as one hand doesn't clap. But if you think you can, you can still reach out and do the harder part which is to still build the connection. Instead of meeting at your building, maybe meet in his area instead? :) Maybe it's easier said than done.
Yes, it does take two hands to clap! I did try to reach out. Now I'm waiting to see what happens.