A LIFETIME REMORSE

I am carrying this burden in my chest for almost 15 years. Until now when the memory flash back I can't help my self feeling sorry and tears start to fall. If only I could turn back the time. If only I could bring back her life and correct all the wrong doings I did to her. If only I realized earlier things may be different, and so my feelings. Yesterday as we remembered our love ones who departed, as I see different posts from social media of my friends and relatives who used to visit their love one's tomb, the memories of my late grandmother from my mother side evoked. Suddenly, I feel so gloomy and miserable, again, I cried.

While looking at the ceiling and hearing my conscious mind speaking, I can't help my self in weeping silently as I don't want my husband to hear me. He was deep asleep, relaxed and at peace. While me being dragged away to the dark room (of my mind) still wide awake at 1:00 in the morning feeling dispirited, unforgivable. For sure if my mom could read this, she'll get disappointed. Everyone will be disappointed. So I decided to write it down maybe, it will soothes me a little bit. Maybe, if I express my repressed emotions, somehow it'll relieve me. Or maybe, I just want the people to realize how time matters to us. How it should be spend with our love ones. How it should be treasure and keep a lifetime memories, a good memories.

I was in grade school then, a year before jumping into high school when my grandmother came and started living with us. We're not used of being with the grand parents, well, not when we started growing. I had a close grandmother, my father's mom. She raised us for over a year, her memories is so vivid and positive. I loved her because she's not so strict and we can joke around. I love how she taught us to eat healthy foods like vegetables, rice with star margarine, vegie soup and fruits. She's always there to pamper me when I'm having a tantrums and wipe my sweat every now and then. But when she left to live with my uncles, we are left with my parents and nanny again. So when my another grandmother came as she's getting older, my mom took the responsibility to take care of her. As me and my sister aren't use of her, we did not pay attention to her. I met her several times only because she's living in another town. Besides, she's strict. Me and my sister as growing adolescence beginning to hate her. She started to direct our lives. She don't like our cats to be around. I love cats. She's too picky to eat, sometimes she don't like our meal. I see my mom suffer taking care of her. From bathing her, feeding, drinking medicines, even financially broke when she needs to be send in a hospital for a check-up. I feel annoyed. I told myself I wish she's not here. I am a selfish bastard those days. I give her nothing. I remembered when I was so sick and my mom isn't around, my grandma, who's 85 years old tried to look after me. I was lying in the bed chilling, then I saw my grandma walking near me with a cup of warm milk and a medicine. After drinking it she put a cold towel in my forehead to suck the heat of my body. Few hours ago, I feel better. From that moment, I felt something in my heart. Something's changed. I feel sympathy and softness in my cold blooded heart. So when I found out that her birthday is a few days to come, I asked my mom If we could give a surprise birthday to her. I made some diy birthday card and decorations. My mom cooked pansit and bought a cake. When my grandma woke up, all of us are gathered in the dinning area while shouting happy birthday! I saw the smile in her face. I saw she's happy in her eyes. I gave her a hugged and a kiss. It was weird but it feels good. Day had passed and things began to go back from where it was started. Things are getting worst everyday. My grandma becomes irritated and became picky of food. She complain too much and everybody is getting annoyed of her behavior. One night while we are all eating dinner, my grandma refused to eat. I saw in my mom's face the tiredness of convincing her to eat. I myself were so pissed of her, so I stare at her. When suddenly she glanced at me, I give her a totally snob face to show how annoyed I was to her. She just kept staring at me, maybe wondering why I couldn't understand what she's going through. She's old for god sake and I should know the pain she felt as she was ill. But no, I was a fucking brat those days. The next morning, I woke up early in the morning as I hear a loud sound. My mom was crying and telling "nanay...." (my mom) repeatedly. I stood up and checked what it was and I found out.... my grandma passed away. I feel so numb that very minute. I feel so bad, wicked and unforgivable. I am so fucking rude. I feel so ashamed. I don't know what to do, I can't even look at her. My tears suddenly fall and it feels like I am not worth to feel sorry. All that comes in my mind is the actions I did to her last night. I am fucking rude. I am unforgivable, really. Even if I asked for her forgiveness, it feels like I don't deserve it. After all, I was bad to her. I never showed any kindness, I never cared for her. I am a selfish grand daughter. I did not gave any good memories to her.

"Shame on you!", that's what I keep hearing every time I remember her. Until now, its still the same, the same feeling. And each time I tried to talk to her, I always asked for forgiveness. I always tell her how I wish I could turn back time and change what I did. How I wish I could spend a memorable days with her, a happy ones. How I wish I treat her right and took care of her when I had a chance. But as what the saying goes, "regrets will always be at the end". You will never realize until you lost it. I kept the burden in my heart for years and maybe for a lifetime. And so to divert it, I promised myself to be good to all grandmothers out there. To all the grandmothers I'll met or be with. Its funny but it helps me to feel a little relief. That's why I pampered my last lola (in my father's side) when she last visited us. Now, she's also live with our creator. I didn't loose any hope, I'm still looking forward that she'll forgive me. I really wish that she'll visit me in my dreams, to have a chance to talk about what happened and to spend a little time of her for the very last time. It's been 15 years now and she didn't show up until this day. I pray for your soul my lola Cipriana. I pray for your lifetime peace. I pray that you'll find eternity in the kingdom of our God almighty. May you guide us here on earth and look after us, for we never forget you, for you will always be loved and remembered. I ask for your forgiveness lola. I was still young and selfish. I hope someday I can be free from this guilt, for living with it is not mentally healthy. I miss you Lola, your face is so fresh and clear in my memories. I wil never forget you. You are my living proof of the old saying about "Regret".