How To Comfort Someone Who Is Mourning. What Helped Me When I Lost My Sister.

Have you ever wondered how to comfort someone who is mourning?

Perhaps a friend or acquaintance had someone close to them pass away, and maybe you're wondering what you should do?

I'm a pastor.

As a pastor, I've been on one side of these dozens of times. I've officiated in quite a lot of funerals. I've been in people's homes and have been with many who are mourning. But, for the first time, I was on the receiving end of being comforted.

You see, my sister died a month ago. Maybe I'll go into details about that at a future time, but for now, I want to share what it was like for me, and how I found myself reacting to people reaching out.

I'll also share what the most meaningful form of someone reaching out was.

1. A Message Online

In this fast-paced digital world that we live in, it seems like the easiest thing to do is to send a quick message on Facebook or other social media. A few days after my sister passed away, word started to get out and people were starting to contact me. So I figured the easiest thing to do would be to post something public on Facebook.

I've never received so many comments on a post before. It was meaningful to me. Honestly, I still haven't read all of the messages. I couldn't bring myself to do that.

So is reaching out to someone on social media helpful? Sure. But, if they're special to you, you should do more.

2. Text Messages

For those that were closer and had my cell number, some sent text messages. Those were appreciated as well, for sure. But, I confess, that there's something about the quickness with which a text or Facebook message can be sent, that it somehow felt a little disposable. Cheap. Not that I didn't appreciate them messages. It's just that for some people, I expected more.

I suppose in some ways it can reveal how much people care.

3. Phone call

If the person is far from you, do the Facebook or text message, but then also try to call. Honestly, in the first few days after my sister died, I didn't want to speak to anyone. A few people tried calling once. But one person, my senior pastor, kept texting and calling me. He never stopped trying. So when I had a moment, about two days after my sister died and I saw him calling again, I picked up the phone.

He was communicating his love and care for me in his attempts and when I heard his voice, I broke down on the phone. Even now as I'm writing this, I'm feeling the emotions all over again. I'm in my thirties. He's in his sixties. He could be my father. And I was so grateful that he went through the effort to reach me.

So, if you can, call the person.

A Brief Interlude

I know what you're thinking. But what should I say? That's the reason most people don't reach out. They're not sure what to say. They think there's some magical thing that they're supposed to say or not to say, and because they're not sure what it is, they don't say anything at all.

Let me share this to you as a pastor: it's not about any words that you say, it's about the concern and love you communicate. Period. So don't worry about what to say.

But here are a few things to think about:

—Ask about what happened. That's a logical one. Let the person share the story. If they don't want to share something, they won't. But don't be afraid to ask.

—Tell them that you're sorry this happened.

—The most important part is to listen.

—Don't try to share a justification for what happened. This is the worst thing that well-intentioned people do. They'll say something like, "well, it's all part of God's plan," or "God won't give you more than you can handle," or "it's going to be ok."

When you say things like that, you're minimizing what the other person is feeling. And, in a sense, it's almost like you're shutting them up because you feel uncomfortable with feelings that are being expressed.

When I first heard that my sister was in her last moments, I jumped on a plane and flew down from Michigan to Florida as quickly as I could. My wife and boys joined me 3 days later. The first night that my wife came down, I was crying, mourning, and she kept telling me, "oh, it's going to be ok. We're going to see her again." That sort of thing. She was doing what she thought she's supposed to do. But I remembered feeling a little bothered and I told her so. We're very open with each other.

I told her, I know this isn't your intention, but you saying those things is making me feel like you want me to change the subject. Like you don't want me to cry in front of you.

Which bring me to my next point.

4. Ask About the Person

"Can you tell me about _________?"
"What was he/she like_________?
"What did you love most about ________?"

The person who is mourning wants to remember and talk about their loved one. They don't want to move on. They don't want to change the subject.

Your role is simply to emotionally stand by the person, and if you're able, join the mourning person where they are in that emotional space.

"Yeah, this does seem really unfair..."
"I miss her, too....."
"I remember one time in which....."

Ok, back to the broader post. If you can, send them a message on social media, text them, or call them. If you're really close, and you're able...

5. Visit the person

This one as well as on the phone is where the principles above would come into play. I had left the state, and so friends were not able to come and visit me. But if you're not far away, ask them if you can visit with them. Again, there's nothing in particular that you must say. Just be there with them. Listen to them. Tell them you love them. Give them a hug.

The Most Meaningful Way to Reach Out

All that being said, there was one way that people reached out that was incredibly meaningful to me. The most meaningful of all. It's something that everyone can do, but that people rarely do.

Ready to hear what it is?

6. Send a card

That's right. Messages online take a few seconds. I've appreciated them, but they don't feel as important. But when you get a card in the mail, you see someone's handwriting, you read what they wrote while holding this physical object in your hand, it's incredibly moving. They took time to pick out a card, gather some thoughts on there, find a stamp, put in the mail—all of that communicates that you are special, and it made me feel incredibly special and loved.

As a pastor, I'm keeping that in mind, now. I want to start sending more cards to people. Unfortunately, this has become a lost art. And I think it's because it's such a rarity, that it communicates something extra special.

I even got a card from my dentist! How he found out about what happened, I don't know. We're not friends on Facebook. And he doesn't attend my church. He's not a Christian. But I was so blessed and touched by his thoughfulness, that it makes me even more loyal to continue going to him!

So what about you? Have you had anyone close to you pass away? What was it like for you? What would you add to the list? Let me know in the comments below.

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[Image by Kat Smith]