So, I am now thirty and celibate and I have some advice for people who are young and "out there" still.
For most of my adult life I serial dated.
I was obsessively looking for "the one". I was constantly feeling like I was lacking and like I needed to be touched and loved. I was on dating sites and would hop from date to date. Getting my hopes up over and over. I would get invested WAY too soon. I would fall for guys who I was infatuated with that were smoother talkers even though, in retrospect, it was obvious they were just trying to get in my pants. Then I would be devastated when they ditched me.
I know not everyone is that way but I have seen many young women with similar habits and also met some guys who are constantly wanting to find their mate. I met one guy who I talked to on the phone mostly and was just in the "getting to know" phase and he started talking about having babies!! Woah, back up buddy.
Okay, so what's the big deal? Dating is fun.
Dating can be fun but when you are in your 20's your MAIN focus shouldn't be to find a partner it should be to find YOURSELF. Nobody knows who they are fully at 20, nobody. Most of us think we do but trust me you don't. You have soul searching to do and you're in your prime time to do it! I am now incapacitated with a bladder disease that rules out sex and boy do I wish I had done something other than date a bunch of people in my twenties.
Go out and find your passions. If you have your passions go do them! Like really get out there. Travel, take yourself out, enjoy your freedom. Learn to actually enjoy being alone. I now really enjoy myself. I like my hobbies, I like my home, I like just being in it with myself. I don't feel like I need another person. I plan to eventually have my bladder disease under control and I will maybe want to date again but you know what a year and a half of not dating has got me? I am starting businesses and really getting my shit together and I am finding myself and learning to love myself.
That's the key! You really DO need to love yourself first.
I am not saying no romance has ever worked out with a person who didn't love themselves but it sure will be a rockier relationship with a lot more footwork. Learning to love yourself makes you a better partner. You are less likely to be jealous, insecure, constantly needing of validation. You are more confident, and passionate and most importantly you are getting into a relationship for the right reasons.
If you get into a relationship just because you are so lonely and you need someone to fill that hole you are not doing it for the right reason and it won't work, hands down. You owe it to yourself and your potential partners to know why you are looking for companionship and to have it be for the right reasons. Not because you can't live without them but because living with them enriches your life. The "I can't live without you" Romeo & Juliet type romance is for teens and if it carries into adulthood it's just unhealthy. You should be fully capable of being your own person.
So, take this time, take your youth, and really spend it living!
Also, it can be fun to date I am just saying don't make it the entire focus of your youth.
This really spoke to me! After going through a break up at 6 years. I'm seeing the importance of putting myself first. Especially because you can invest so much into a person and they may not return the investment.
Thats very true too. I spent way too much time investing energy into lost causes. WAY too much. I missed out on a lot and I regret it as a nearly 30 year old. You are super mature for your age though and living fully!! :)
@kaylinarti know you knew where I'm coming from. Thank you @lauralemons. I'll be forty this year I feel crappy at most days being single sometimes resentful of cheating x fiancee but guess you're right.need to enjoy this life with or without a Soulmate.
One of my favourite quotes is 'the person you thinks the same at 40 as they did at 20, hasn't lived'
Felt appropriate to your post
I love that and it is SO true! and sadly those people DO exist. Most of my family is that way. I don't talk to any of my family.... >_> haha
I like that, alone time. I am enjoying my alone time.
Good as you should be!! :) Me too!
You need to be content being single for the rest of your life to find your 'soulmate'. Because if you are always looking for your next spouse you'll end up settling for the wrong person.
Other than cats.... and maybe dogs. >_ > I need my cat and when she..... ( .__.) dies... I will eventually have dogs. :)
I actually have completely become content as it may be reality for me. I can't have sex and have no interest in dating in my condition so I made peace with that which I think will go a long way if I DO beat this thing in a few years. :) I am keeping the peace because it feels liberating to not feel like I need someone.
Hi laura, have you been able to try DMSO yet?
still thinking of you.
No I havent been able to afford the stuff yet. I need to get catheters and a syringe thingy, and the DMSO. Very sweet of you to check in! I have been very strict with my diet and drinking TONS of water and I feel slightly better but still totally severely bad. haha
To keep the costs down buy DMSO 99.99% from the Vetenerian not the health store. $10
Steralize and re-use the catheter. $10
Total cost $20
small price to pay to get not only relief but a cure.
I am here to help you.
I see Sex in your future... :)
Thank you I just have bills and food atm. I am DEF getting the DMSO. I just blew like $80 on those meds that didnt work and then paid rent so I just literally cant at this very moment. I have no job aside from odd internet jobs because of the disability. I intend to get it next week. :) Dont I need a syringe too?
Yes, syringe to.
Good luck, keep posting your IC story and hopefully a whale takes note and we raise you some funds.
Big hugs
Not many whales have noticed me lately but I definitely will keep posting on it. I try to post when something changes or there is progress.
there are lots of tips in my most recent post to maxamize rewards:
https://steemit.com/steem/@healthiswealth/how-to-maximize-curation-rewards-in-15-easy-steps
Honestly this experience made me no longer sex crazed. I kinda need romantic connection to enjoy it, emotional one. But I like the ability to do that if it comes along. :)
been there know what your going thru 8yrs for me.
I cant really get to the vet too easily I have no car and am much home bound so I may order it offline.
good idea.
I had to delivery my groceries because I couldnt get to the store this week XD
"Nobody knows who they truly are at 20."
OATH. I've spent most of that decade trying to figure it out.
Me too and I now know that I STILL don't know. There are so many layers and so much growth. I have always looked to elders for wisdom. The right ones, you know the happy ones. :) Imagine what we will find throughout our lifetime if we are fortunate enough to live a full one!?
I'm 61 and I still don't know who the hell I am. It keeps changing. Just when you think you've figured it out, things change. Life throws you something unexpected and you have to reevaluate.
In my experience, love comes along when you are least actively searching for it. Dating is not love, and people seem to confuse the two really easily!
Agreed! All those dating cliches older people told us are all actually TRUE. haha :)
Except the part where there were chaperones provided for most dates. That would have sucked big time!
I didnt actually date when I was under age. I didnt really have a normal family...super abusive and crap so dating wasnt on my radar. :) Never been chaperoned.
I am not sure if that's what you meant. That is the only scenario with dating where I can see a chaperone. XD
Nobody knows who they are fully at 20 -> True..May be we don't know much at even 30..
don't make it the entire focus of your youth -> yes I have exchanged the dates for nothing...missing hobbies/passion/dream..
Oh I definitely dont think I know it all at 29 going on 30. I just think I know more than I did when I was 20. hehe
Me too.....wasted so much time ugh...
First - I hope you get your disease under control. Second - thank you for the -post. I didn't find "My One" until I was 34. I've spent much time alone.
We all need to be comfortable with ourselves, and then love ourselves. With all of our successes, and faults.
My disease has taught me - every day is precious, a gift. This is not a platitude, ask anyone that has almost died or anyone that has been diagnosed with a life threatening or terminal illness.
So smile! Really SMILE, that BIG beaming smile!
voted and followed!
Thanks for the thoughtful response.
I am glad you found yourself and have such a positive mindset and glad you found your one when the time was right.
I am working on not being in constant pain but once I get my disease under control you better believe I am taking the world by storm. That's what my disease will have taught me. I have spent the past almost 2 years cooped up in a room in literal constant pain so I will not take my health for granted again once I find relief!! :)
Followed back!!
Should you ever desire it - I would be happy to create a hypnotic meditation to help you manage your pain. Of course - your pain is real - your disease is real - and your mind can help manage your pain.
I look forward to hearing your successes as you take the world by storm!
I am a bit skeptical of if it could work but definitely also open-minded enough to try it. I love to meditate. I will go into it with an open mind! :)
Thanks so much, you are very kind. ^_^
it is very important that people learn to love themselves first before trying to love others. lovely write up
Thank you!! :)
my pleasure
Thank you! I completely agree with you. It is really important to focus on finding yourself and what your passions are. And every love story is different. Sometimes you find the right one right away, and other times you have to let go and realize that you may not even recognize your soulmate until you know who YOU are.
I am totally going to remember, "not because you can't live without them, but because living with them enriches your life."
yay I am glad I gave you some memorable words! They are really words to live by. :) It really is so important to focus on ourselves. Like people are always listing all these traits they WANT in a person but what about what we GIVE? That should be just as important!
Excellent post. I'm in my 40s, and have been through a failed marriage and a failed long-term relationship after that. I haven't given up on love but I am at the point in my life where I am not in a rush to find it either. I am content with being by myself right now and let whatever happens happen.
That's awesome! I mean not the failed marriage but that you are now content being alone. Isn't it a great place to be? Seems so silly me scrambling around searching for love, validation, sex, cuddles, anything to keep me from really being alone with my thoughts and having to work on myself thoroughly. :) hehe
That's right. We put everything into our relationships (sometimes) and still have the same flaws that cause those relationships to fail. Then we start the cycle over again.
Guess you're right i wanted validation that is as worth that ring he never gave in the end I close doors because I was getting remorseful. Good read indeed @lauralemons.
@sgtechservices I wish I can at the same but the feeling I'm not good enough for him does sting a bit considering it was a long term relationship that went crumbling. I really don't know how to go through it it's been four years now but it seems fresh still I wonder if I need to see a shrek or just take it as healing time still. Anyhow this is inspiring to know letting go is possible
Some wise thoughts from one still young at thirty. This is a quote that I have had at the base of all my emails for years and it seems appropriate here.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind." .....Dr. Suess
Knowing and trusting who you are is some of the most important aspects to have and live with/from as you move through the choices life brings.
We live in a truly amazing time, if you choose to see that side of our time. Remember that the choices we make today make the difference in the kind of life we create/end up with for ourselves later in life.
This comes from a soul about to turn 70 on June 19, who feels surprised that she made it to this point. Most people see me as about 55 to 60. So I say this to say that thoughts, diet, lifestyle, attitude, health, compassion and loving oneself and one's life matters.
There is much to live for in our world and making the most of oneself makes the world overall better for yourself and all.
Blessings and love,
Lynda / ~ljl~
Thank you so much! :)
I agree with all you said and I am SO glad I finally realized it. I have dropped booze, and cigarettes and am eating really healthy only for a bit over a week but I know it's going to stick this time. I am committed to finding relief for my relentless bladder pain.
I am also using my debilitation to create my businesses online and build for my future. I think my 30s and 40s will be where it's at.
I think I had to grow up a bit faster than most people due to my abusive and crazy childhood but that didn't make me wise... I only started wisening up recently when I realized the ball is in MY court now and I need to make my life one worth living. I think my growth really started when I cut out my toxic family.
Thanks so much for such a thoughtful response.
PS - I love Dr Seuss books. I was going to say I love Dr Seuss but then remembered he was very racist.
I think the reason why there is too much dissapointment and people feeling lost in relationships because there is no true love these days . There are lots of affairs going on and people are not getting married at their young adulthood age. Once people get married they can then concentrate on other parts of life like career or different things . Else all other things like lust, affairs, loneliness, broken trust, breakup etc will haunt them like anything.
There have always been affairs. I don't think there is less "true" love than there ever was personally. People used to get married WAY younger and most of them weren't in love. Heck, in the 40's and 50's hitting your wife was a normal thing so I don't think there was more true love.
I think the idea of love we are sold in movies, literature, and music are fantasy and we need to realize that and be rational with our expectations and be patient in our romantic endeavors. There is surely true love out there for those who are truly loving themselves. :)
I agree there is true love in for those who are truly loving themselves but only for a limited time. We all love our parents, friends and family. We cannot live without them . The person who leaves them will definitely feel a sense of loneliness in his heart. Because God created us together and wants us together. Coming to the point where you said hitting a wife in the 40s and 50s was a normal thing. It is still a normal thing lol. But what makes awkward is people hitting someone elses sister, daughter ( someone who is not this wife). All problems start from here. All monotheistic religions state the same thing. The reason why people are in chaos today in terms of relationship today is because of the same thing... True love is with your spouse not only bodily attachment but with emotional well being as well. I am not yet married yet but I think this is what life ethics are :)
"To say 'I love you' one must first know how to say the 'I.' The meaning of the 'I' is an independent, self-sufficient entity that does not exist for the sake of any other person."
Ayn Rand
I don't much love Ayn Rand but a true quote is a true quote and those words are wise, indeed.
Many have deep ideological disagreements with her and for good reasons, but the smear campaigns by both left and right wing intellectuals have been more efficient than most people today understand.
Almost anything she said at any point in time or in any context is claimed to be a core position in her philosophy, which it most of the time isn't even in those cases when it isn't just a flat out lie to justify dismissing her.
I have my own disagreements with her of course, but the worst things you're bound to hear about her have very little to do with reality or have been fanatically warped by political/religious opponents wishing to brand her a "fascist", "racist", "narcisist" or "sexist", etc.
yes
masturbate instead!
I rarely do that but thats because my disease has killed my sex drive at this point. I still do it a few times a week and get into spurt of more. hehe but its become more of a "lets do this so my brain can not be clouded by horny and I can be more productive. Like a chore.
sex has become a meme to begin with. masturbation relaxes. most people drink or go to the gym for the exact same reason.
sorry to hear about your disease
So much wisdom in you Laura, you must be an old soul!
I do feel like one. :) Thank you.
Getting to know and love yourself must happen for you before you can pass it on.
I agree fully. You get it. :)
My favorite quotes... Well said and explained, I wish I had read this sooner! Hope you don't mind if I quote you in my next post!
My wife and I were not able to find and appreciate each other until we decided that we did not NEED anyone. We were fine on our own and we would not settle. We WANTED someone with certain attributes (trustworthy, honest, open-minded) and would wait to find that person. If we didn't do this, we would not be together today.