Who Killed Jack Daniels

WHO KILLED JACK DANIELS?

Jack Daniels was found dead by Johnny Walker this morning at Savanna Lime Street near Castle in Old Monk estate.

Heineken, who was with him then, believes he was killed by Hunters who shot him with a VAT 69. His close friend Jameson, and his cousin Viceroy confirmed that he was on his way home from the J&B Bar in Three Barrels. It is said that he had an affair with Mr Hunters wife, Chelsea. Baileys and Amarula, Jack’s aunts have paid Napoleon to investigate the murder. The state head, Kenya King sent his personal assistant Kane with condolences.

He is currently in the mineral rich state of El Camino discussing with President Martel the possibility of importing Martini on the rocks directly from El Camino, from the infamous Drostdy Hof mines. The burial will take place under the Blue Moon at the Furaha cemetery.

In other news, Clubman has finally introduced Pierre Smirnoff to the Russian Don, Pushkin and his bootylicious ugandan wife, Konyagi. Although it is rumored he was cheating on her with Madafu, the gorgeous Mombasa girl who made headlines with her torrid affair with Monsieur Richot.

Closer to home, Mama Pima has filed a lawsuit against the state seeking to block a recent bill passed that as she says,
‘interferes with her extremely profitable business and peoples right to freedom and leisure.’

She is being represented by three of the best lawyers in the state; Bwana Busaa, Mr. Chang’aa and Mr. Muratina.