I've had a weird day, all day I've had thoughts about me growing up and what I went through. How what happened back then has made my life difficult now even though I'm 61, those thoughts never seem to go away. I guess there will always be a why, sadly there will never be an answer.
Growing up I was the middle child of 5, 2 older sisters a younger brother and sister. The usual meme about being the middle child has always been spot on, the black sheep of the family, the one who always got blamed for everything that went wrong. I was my father's favourite but the only one who got beaten with his belts, sometimes he would use the buckle end just to have a bit more fun. He seemed to get a kick out of seeing me hurt.
The man ruled the house everyone else did as there master said. Sitting at the table having food, he loved this game, first one finished last one to leave So we would all take our time. Then when you had finished you had to ask Please may I leave the table his reply would always be No he would make us mostly me sit there until he got bored, which could take hours.
Growing up I hated being at home and also hated being at school as was bullied from infants through to seniors by a so called friend. My parent did so much to me that this post would go on for hours, it was mental, physical and sexual abuse.
This is me, the blonde small girl with the old grey coat. That coat saw me though Junior school and most of seniors. The girl directly behind me is one of my oldest sisters and the other dark haired girl my size was one of my real friends, she was in the same friend group, I didn't find out until a few years ago that my bully used bully her to bully me. That day our bully was off school. I look at that photo and don't feel its me, I feel really sorry for her as know how she felt but don't recognise myself. My friend left the country straight after seniors she moved to Florida and we lost touch then a few tears ago we found each other again until I sadly lost her. She was full of plans to come back to the UK, we made plans to meet up and go look how the place had changed. I'm grateful for having her back as a friend even though it was for such a short time.
I was also abused by a school teacher in junior school, a nasty little man who liked to touch. He tried to catch me up every night gong home from school, he would slowly drive down the same street I went home, I would hide until he drove passed then run, sometimes he would turn around and look again. I told my parents about him, they told me stay out of his way He was my teacher and I was 8. He got killed on a train track so no chance of any apologises from him.
The thoughts that have been running through my head that stick with me are. His voice telling me, how useless I am, that I should never have been born, I was never wanted, this used to come from my mother to. But she included my younger brother and sister, they only wanted the oldest 2. My biggest hate was A man is the king of his castle, you do as he asks, that included my mother to, if he wanted something she did it it didn't matter who was there, there was so many times I was playing in the garden with my friends and heard him force her upstairs. I hit 14, the age I stopped caring, he could have beaten me all day I would make sure I never cried until I was alone, that's when he stopped the beatings. Those angry thoughts have made me into who I am now. Those thoughts built such a hate up inside me that hasnt dimished. I would have quite easily fought with a man, I grew up hating men and treat all my boyfriend badly, I honestly don't know why hubby stuck around.
Today my thoughts have spiraled quite a bit, I want answers but will never get them as I never want to see that man again. I lived with a wall built around me that over the years has grown thicker, my 14yr old self is still there, that's when I closed myself off. Living through abuse especially as a child not knowing who to turn to or what to do for the best is like living in a thick fog. Sadly that fog reappears every now and again. BUT it doesn't hang around for aslong now.
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