When we’re in school, we’re not taught about what to do and don’t do in a relationship. Of course, we learned the bases of biology, maybe some of us found out some things about the legal formalities of marriage, but no one told us exactly what to do when it comes to actually being in a relationship.
Fortunately, a lot of psychological studies were realized, regarding healthy relationship habits and principles. Although some of these “rules” are considered to be the opposite of romance, the truth is that if we would follow them, we could save our relationships. There are two huge mistakes that we tend to make, that usually destroy our love lives.
The first bad habit we have is obsessively thinking about past mistakes. This phenomenon appears when you’re in a relationship with someone and that person keeps bringing out your past mistakes, so you start doing the same thing, and it becomes a battle in which the one who made the most mistakes loses.
The worst part about this habit is that at some point we will start using our partner’s mistakes to justify ours. This way, we’ll spend more time explaining why we’re right, instead of actually solving the problem. The fix to this habit is to solve your problems each at one time. If something that your partner did one year ago bothered you so much, you should have solved that problem then, there’s no reason to bring it up every time you get in a fight.
The second mistake we make in a relationship is blaming our partners for our feelings. Let’s say you have a bad day. While all you wish for is to spend the rest of the day with your loved one to help you feel better, he/she spends the day on the phone talking about work, so you choose to pour you frustration on him or her.
Instead of telling your partner what you’re feeling, you expect him to read your mind. This is a toxic habit, because blaming the other is a subtle form of selfishness. Besides that, when you get to the point in which your well-being depends only on your partner, it means that you are addicted, but not necessarily in love. Instead of doing that, take responsibility for your emotions.
Looks like a very nice post. i have to read this in yhe morning with you @rhubarb.
I so get the second mistake, sometimes you feel like your emotions are so heavy and so immense that it seems almost imposible for you that another person could not easily interpret it. We forget that all of that is bottled up inside us and there is no posible way for a third person to read our minds and understand every change of heart we have. It is such a difficult thing to step outside yourself and actually acknowledge that, but it is definitely an exercise that, with practice, could help solve an infinity of misunderstandings.
About Thinking about your past mistakess..
Stop calling them as ‘MISTAKES’
There's is nothing like Mistakes or Regret....There are only two things of past...Experiences or lessons.
No matter how good or bad your past was.
Mistakes is the only way to teach your self,this is why they are lessons.
Very nice post. Hope a lot of people get what you are taking about. To add on; i would say that sometimes its just a little ego which resides in each one of us and because of that we do not initaite a conversation with partner. This sometimes creates a lot of misunderstandings and leads to dead relationships.
Agree with you on this one. Being dependable and blaming your partner for the way you feel and react is wrong on every level. I would add - trying to change other person. One can never do that and that can only end as a catastrophy - all you can do is change - and improve - yourself. And if your relationship doesn’t make you happy - move on and find somebody more compatible.
Your statement makes me think of the way my relationship had been going. My relationship had been in the way of me growing. I was trying to help somebody else grow. The growing for both of us didn't occur until we took a break in our relationship in order to center ourselves individually. We are back together now, and everything is remarkable. We both learned to accept each other and know that we're both growing and we have our own paths that will be entwined, but not identical.
@jwolf
My problem was the opposite, whenever we had an argument I blamed myself to end the arguement and whenever anything happened within our relationship it would be my fault. Even. After we broke up it was my fault, I kept thinking to myself but in the end I noticed that it wasn’t and the blame also fell on her sometimes. Because, I wanted more happiness and less arguments I blamed myself every single time. She probably saw that as a weakness and it was most likely what ended our relationship.
It was not that she saw you as a weak man. You made a martyr of yourself, a victim, and that automatically made her, your abuser. She could not have that feeling any more, do you understand?
In the Celestine Prophecy, the book describes how in situations two individuals combat for energy. If energy is not in equilibrium then there will be two counterparts created based off of dominance of energy. A person who cowers or becomes smaller is aloof. The individual who causes that is an interrogator.
Quite a remarkable book. You can also see my comment on this post about detachment from opinions during arguments and giving yourself a break. Don't blame yourself and don't blame others.
Keep Steeming you Hooligan!
I always enjoy reading your post because it is educative. Infact one of your post titled " this is how you can get rid of insomnia " has been very helpful to me. I will be giving a presentation on a workers forum next two weeks but I do not no what topic to present, until I came across your post on insomnia. I plan to present that doing further research on that topic. Thank you and stay bless
Nice post thanks for sharing ......resteemed
Apart from the two mistakes listed by you, the other mistake we make is not to let our partner have the freedom he / she needs. We want to take it totally, which becomes difficult to bear at one point.
Possession of others is not something that is natural. Freedom is crucial for sustainability. Its sad when a relationship is ruined because somebody treats their partner as a material item that can be claimed. She's mine, he's mine. Bleh.
I feel you.
@jwolf, In "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success", written by Deepak Chopra, he talks about the Law of Least Effort. In this law it has attributes, taking responsibility and defenselessness. This law alone can solve many communication conflicts. Responsibility says that you should not blame anyone for your situations, not even yourself. It's pointless to focus on that. The defenselessness is all about giving up your opinion and trying to detach yourself from that identity with your idea. You are not your ideas.
Check out the rest of the laws in his book, really a phenomenal read!
Good post man, Keep Steeming you Hooligan!
life is enjoy...bro
You are really on point @jwolf you said it all.
Interesting!
Did you know...the longer we are with someone, the more we think we can read their mind, when in actuality the belief that we can read their mind gets in the way of us actually knowing them?
your posts become a reference for me
This is really inspirational and motivating article about relationships and habits. I really appreciate your thoughts. All the points that you have mentioned are really very true.
Thanks for sharing this wonderful post.
I need to print this out and hang somewhere I can see it. Even though I know it all, my impulses still go against it. It's hard being a human! Thanks for this post.
The biggest reason for failed relationships is feeding. One person knows how to go within for support while the other doesn't and constantly feed off of the other. Such situation is exhausting and not possible to maintain for long. This is why it's best to become a whole person and then meet another whole and get into a relationship. True love is a combination of two complete masters not halves. Good luck to us all.
I agree with the part of telling your partner what you are feeling. I think when we don't, we become overload and suddenly we say all them at once.
The era of love is over. People don't even understand lust or passion anymore. All they understand is a grasping sort of soulless, bottomless greed for pleasant sensations
Hmmmmm, really thoughtful words no doubt from someone who has had a lot the above experiences. Thanks for this.
I totally agree with you, if we don't take responsibilities for our emotions it can cause us our relationship. It is a very simple thing, tell me how you feel and I can make you feel better. Thanks for sharing.
#resteemed