An open letter to the person who fathered my child.

I will not name you. So do not worry. I have so many things I would like to say to you. I honestly don’t even know where to begin. I was so young when we met. I was only 14 years old. I was still a baby. Yet I thought I was so grown up. I thought I knew everything. I remember the first time you spoke to me. Do you? I was in such a dark place then. Do you remember? We were on the same crew team.

It was cold outside. I was still self harming at the time. Though my parents thought that was a thing of the past. You pulled me aside and said never again. You were my knight in shining armor. Or so I thought.

We traded phone numbers. Do you remember? You called me that night to make sure I was okay. You made me laugh. Most importantly you made me smile. That was all it took.

We talked for hours every single day. We couldn’t wait for crew just so we could see each other. Do you remember when you asked me to be your girlfriend? I do. It was Christmas Day of 2009. Your mom brought you to my house. I took you to a bridge that I used to visit often. It was over a creek in someone’s backyard. When we got there, You asked me. It became our bridge. We carved our names into it. I thought I was happy.

We would revisit that same bridge every month and we would carve another small line under our names. Another month together. It was probably after about month three that you started showing me who you really were.

This is where my letter gets hard to write.

At first it wasn’t so bad. It all happened so slowly that I didn’t even realize what was happening until it was too late. Until I was in too deep.

You may not remember things the same way I do. I’m sure you probably thing I am over exaggerating things.

You controlled every aspect of our relationship. In fact, you controlled every aspect of my entire life. You controlled what I wore. You controlled what friends I was allowed to have. You decided who I was allowed to talk to. You decided when I was allowed to go to sleep.

I used to pretend to fall asleep on the phone just so you would hang up. But even then, you didn’t.

Do you remember the first time we had sex? It was after you had your surgery. I will not deny that it was consensual. I will not deny that I enjoyed it. But after a while, it became all you wanted.

I will never say that you raped me. But I will admit that you took advantage of me. I would ask you, sometimes beg, could we please just watch a movie? No. You’d push it. I was too afraid to say no to you. So I’d just lay there and let you do what you needed to do.

Do you remember all the times that you would tell me that I was disgusting? That I was worthless? Do you remember the horrible things you would say to me? I believed you.

Do you remember the countless nights I would lay on the bathroom floor so sick I could barely move? Throwing up all night long. Because I believed you. I was disgusting. Do you remember that? I do.

I wanted so badly to leave you. But I was so scared. I was so scared that you would hurt me.

You never physically hurt me, but emotionally you did so much more. I never knew when I would enter into the next stage of abuse.

In September of 2011, I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated. I was 16. I was still a child. I had been trying to muster up the courage to leave you for months! To rid you of my life for good!

I was so scared. I was so conflicted. You didn’t want me to have him. Do you remember that?

At that point, I knew exactly what I needed to do.

I left you.

Suddenly I could breath. Suddenly I felt stronger.

As much as you don’t deserve this, Thank you.

Thank you for showing me how love is not supposed to be. For making me a better person. For making me rise up above everything and be who I was supposed to be. Thank you for making me a mother.

Show me your support by upvoting, commenting and resteeming! Thank you for all your love!