Right now I want to bury myself. Hide and fade into nothing rather than feel this pain. I hate myself for being sucked into this relationship. I feel at fault. I didn't recognize the cues that I was being groomed, that whether this person knows it for not, they were laying the groundwork for control of me. So they could hurt me.
The pleas keep coming. Be mine. Don't give up on me. They are punctuated by hateful slashes at my character. It is a lot like arguing with a toddler when you tell them sorry will not earn their privilege back.
I don't know how to make it stop. I feel so lost. I am hurt and I want to scream and cry. I spent my weekend crying. I feel ripped and raw inside. I feel broken. They want to break me. Are they succeeding?
I build everything in love and trust. They used that. It is so easy to see from the other side. On Friday I wanted to climb my mountain. I knew I would make it to the top. Today I want to be buried under it.
I am tired of trying. I am tired from the fight, from every hateful twist of the knife. From every sugared promise that I will be hurt more if I don't give in. I hate that they have established themself in my professional life to the point they are now being attributed my hard work and my speaking up is me undoing my own work and making their stance in this fight stronger.
Positivity. Positivity. I have to find it. Right now all I can think is of how good it would feel to no longer be awake. To be so deep in sleep I can't even have nightmares. To be warm instead of this buzzing, numb cold. To be free.
The day will come. I have to believe that. I have to believe I am strong and I will make it. I have to.
image via pixabay.com
Get out, it will be hard but you will triumph. Positivity wins always
It may feel silly to hear but it really can help to read other stories of people crawling through similar shit. I dated a girl years ago and when I got out of the Navy she continually thought I was cheating. I was not. She controlled my life (I let her) and we moved an hour and a half away from her job to get away from women lol. This was all in her head. She couldn't drive so I had to drive her to work. 6 hours a day on the road. She wouldn't let me get a job (I worked on nuclear reactors before that). She made me take a picture of my location every 15 minutes and she broke my computers. I was lucky to make it out alive as she tried to kill me lol. Don't give up. If you wanna talk let me know.
Oddly enough, that does help. You made it through all that? Way to go and thank you for sharing!
Yes and I am sure you will too. Change is the only guarantee in life. Just a matter of time. Here's my near death experience lol. https://steemit.com/life/@albensilverberg/the-day-she-failed-to-kill-me
Wow, that's some major control. I hope you got help. Good for you for getting out.
You will make it. You will! Make that decision, and hold that decision even when you don't feel positive. Decisions make the positive. Much love. :)
You're right! An affirmation!
I choose strength!
@honeyscribe last week I wanted to jump into the ocean! You can not give up. This too shall pass. The fact that you wrote about it means that you are already halfway up the mountain....I think you know exactly what to do already.
I feel like we are a team right now because I wanted to be gone, but you are absolutely right that I am still on my way up that mountain.
there is many ways to be positive its up to you :)
I think I forgot that for a minute. Thank you!
In standing up for yourself, you are already on the path to being happy again. You are learning the truth, which is often painful but it will actually lead to brighter days.
It is very painful. Every day it hurts, but you're right. This is leading me somewhere better.
The positive is that your negative got you to the hot page ;)
Oh man. That's some irony right there!
Irony and change, constants of the universe.
You'll get there! I promise you :)
<3
I hope you don't take this in any way as offensive, but I've heard that sometimes it's helpful to focus on something else to get our mind off of what troubles us. I was just looking at my hunger post before I saw your post and thought this might be a useful coincidence and a good distraction for you. https://steemit.com/hunger/@lisachandler/spend-an-hour-on-hunger-challenge Best wishes for a brighter day.
This is not offensive at all. I think there is a lot to perspective as well as giving back when you're feeling low. I do not get my worth from others, but from my own actions. That is also a great post!
I am sorry for your grief and pain, but also glad for it because it means you are processing feelings. The only way out is through, a wise person once sad.
In addition to the feelings you're processing, you also have the situation of having this person able to affect your work life. Document, document, document, and get some more people in your corner, such as a lawyer (legal aid if you can't afford private).
This is excellent advice. It makes me sad that I feel I need to take it.
Everyone is here to help, okay?
Thank you, @aldentan. That means more than I can say.