”The brain makes no distinction between an external threat, such as a tiger, and an internal one, such as a troubling memory or a future worry. It treats both as threats that either need to be fought off or run away from”
-Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace In a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman.
In many points of our lives, the way we talk to ourselves could be our biggest source of unhappiness. When we repeatedly put ourselves down, dismiss our achievements and generate unnecessary worries we become a threat to our wellbeing.
I have been thinking about this a lot after something I recently experienced. Last week my dentist informed me that I could get my braces off after 3 years of wearing them. I got excited because it is something I have been waiting for so long. I was going to be able to eat more comfortably, to smile without the wires, to have less pain. My wish was finally going to be granted!
Then, out of nowhere, I heard a little voice inside that said: “Maybe you won’t like how it will look. Maybe it will still hurt”.
I went cold immediately. What if I have waited all these years for nothing? There were many things that could happen, that could make me feel like my time and my money were wasted. From that point on, my mind kept conjuring a list of bad outcomes. Suddenly, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to the appointment. All the excitement was gone and gave place to uncertainty.
One single thought managed to cast a dark shadow above the whole experience and let me drowning in a sea of anxiety. How is it possible for it to have so much power over me? In this case, it’s something as simple as a orthodontic device, but how many times does this occur with other situations? When we are applying for a job, when we are moving to a new place, when we need to speak to someone. Without even trying, we will have our head filled with all the things that could go wrong.
We would think about the boss that could hate us, about the house that will be uncomfortable and about the friend who will think we are annoying. These kind of thoughts are called “automatic negative thoughts”
Psychologists use it to describe the ideas that pop into our heads uninvited, like burglars, and leave behind a mess of uncomfortable emotions. Source
Negative thoughts are the root of many anxiety disorders. People who deal with them have to find ways to avoid that they drastically affect their lives and influence their quality of life. It is very easy to find ourselves overwhelmed by the storm of negativity pouring over us.
So, how do you stop them?
Well, you don’t. First, you need to understand that these thoughts are perfectly normal (everybody has them) and rather than stopping them, you have to learn to control them. The problem isn’t the negative thought, it’s believing it's true. So this is what you can do.
Confront your thoughts
Is there any evidence that this thought is true? How likely is it to happen? When you start analyzing the odds, you will find that most of the time it is just an unrealistic and inaccurate worry. That oral presentation that had one small criticism and many compliments probably will have an amazing grade, rather than the bad one that has you preoccupying because you are just focusing in one aspect and leaving all the good ones asides.
Balance the possibilities and don’t see your thoughts and worries as consolidated facts but as a supposition. There could be many outcomes, don’t jump right away in believing in the one who reflects your fears.
Embrace the uncertainty
Remember that it’s not possible to be certain about anything in life. Just because something is uncertain doesn’t mean it will have a bad outcome. It could be positive, it could be neutral.
As difficult it could seem, focus in try to tolerate doubts and unpredictability. You don’t need to know for sure what it’s going to happen all the time. We often feel safer if we know like the back of our hand the road we’re taking, but this isn’t necessarily a good thing. Predicting that something bad it’s going to happen and then this becoming true, doesn’t make it any better.
It would be if you actually take action and solve the problem before it happens, but usually these thoughts never become actions. This is when the next advice comes to place.
Use them as fuel
If you can do something about the situation that has you worrying, then do it. Use it as an opportunity to create solutions, because just sitting and worrying won’t make you more prepared for what’s to come.
In cases where the worry is solvable, these thoughts that presented possible problems to you can be used as power to get moving and take action. If your worry is about an interview where you don’t think you’re well prepared, then work harder. Do research, dedicate time to read about the company, ask advice to people who works there.
In the other hand, if the worry is beyond your control, don’t waste time in them.
Learn to let go (it’s OK if you can’t at first)
In cases where worrying takes you nowhere, this is the best course of action. Instead of over-thinking and analyzing, ignore the thoughts. They are usually based in unfounded beliefs and they produce you pain because you give them importance.
However, negative thoughts are tiring and frustrating, but fighting and pressuring yourself to don’t have them could be worse. Trying to avoid these thoughts could make you pay even more attention to what you want to avoid. So don’t force yourself and take one step at a time.
Don’t let them stop you
Anxiety often makes people afraid of trying things in the first place based only in the worst-case scenarios that their minds created. Constant worry and irrational fears can be paralyzing.
The important aspect here is to don’t let them become chains. Even if you are afraid of what will happen if you ask that person out, do it anyway. It’s the only way of having an outcome. You don’t know how many things are you missing out because this.
One way of dealing with this could be stablishing small goals that you could perform easier until you find yourself ready to take bigger steps. (Start by asking her/his number, try to be friends first).
Replace them
Remember that the coin has two sides. Every bad thought that you have can be paired with a positive one. This could be tricky and difficult at the beginning.
Last year, I had some hard months and every day I would whine about all the bad things that happened to me throught the day. When 2018 started, I adopted the habit of keeping a daily journal where I write one thing that made me happy during the day. The first week I struggled to write something down, but now in February, I struggle to choose only one! This has helped me a lot to see things in a better perspective.
These are some advices that I have and that I’m trying my best to apply to my own life. Any of you also have many negative thoughts or suffer from anxiety? Do you have any advice? I’d love to hear them.
So, remember that you don’t have to be the burden that’s getting in the way of your own happiness. Don’t be your worst enemy!
You can read Generalized Anxiety Disorder: When Worry Gets Out of Control by the National Institute of Mental Health to understand better this disorder and find other useful resources.
PD: Today I got my braces off and since my dentist is a great professional, everything went smooth. I’m happy with the results and dumbfounded that I thought it could be any other way.