Late Night Thoughts

Happiness seems to be something that eludes me more and more as I get older. I think with each passing year I see how the world is, how people actually are, where society is headed and it makes me want to just step away. I see my kids and how simple things can bring them joy and I wish I had that. Yesterday my daughter pulled some leaves off of a tree and played with them for almost an hour. Something so simple and yet so much happiness was derived from it.

I recently just arrived on Hive, I honestly did not even know it existed until two days ago. During this process I went over my old Steemit account and viewed all of my old posts and comments. It was like a different person. I was much happier and creative. I know the past few years had beaten me down some but it really did not dawn on me how much of a hit I had taken until I read my own thoughts from 4+ years ago.

Interactions in life, my old job in law enforcement, a handful of nefarious people…have caused me to be somewhat of an introvert. Being around people drains me. I know many people thrive from socialization, meeting new people and surrounding themselves with friends. Often, I meet someone new and my thoughts go to how could this person hurt me, what is the threat assessment. I know this is not good for me but I also do not know how to bring back that joy. That acceptance of people.

This past year we moved to 140 acres with maybe 10 people as “neighbors” over a 10-mile stretch. One of our neighbors is always offering to help with things, loan me equipment and invite me to do things. In the past I would have thought how awesome such a person is to have as a neighbor. Now I find myself thinking things like ‘his kindness is buttering me up so that I will say yes to him hunting on our land.’ Why? Why do I think that way?

Honestly I know why to some extent but I don’t know how to move on, to change my perspective. I really am seeking that joy that has been drained from me.