Are You Mature Enough to be a Child Again?

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
― Aristotle

The problem is that you give a fuck about petty stupid shit and you don't give a fuck about the important things in this world. In reality, you are just one of the many. One of the many shiny little stars competing for the sun's attention, trying to be special in this vast universe. Enough of this sense of entitlement. Enough of the validation and trying to feel special. Life is too short to defend your fragile little ego. Enough of the BS and just let go.

When I was a child, I was innocent and sweet until I learned to say 'Fuck'. First in my language then second in English then third in Spanish, then in another language, then it depends on where I am in this world. Perhaps, when I was still a baby, I had been wanting to say Fuck, is this the world I'm going to live in? Like what the fuck? I still couldn't say it so I just cried hard every day. The thing is, the word Fuck is so translatable and people from all over the world find the need to say it all the time these days. I can't avoid it, there are many reasons to say Fuck wherever I am. Of course, I try to say it in moderation and only when appropriate. Like when there's really shitty happening in my life or around me, or even when there's also some amazing shit. Like Fuck, that's amazing! You see, it works for every situation. I tried to be this prim and proper girl expected of me, submit to men and follow the pattern and all that cultural norm. But you know, life happened. I become an adult.

The worst decision in my life is to become an adult. Suddenly, I lost my innocence. I become an adult too early, trying to conform, making sense of this life, working hard to survive, and thinking of what other people think of me. I wasted my time arguing over some stupid petty shit, wasted my time with many things that really didn't matter. I wasted my time trying to understand why things work this way. Why am I conditioned to believe that this is the right thing? Why the school textbooks taught me about this carefully manipulated history that brainwashed the whole? I became angry and started to slowly unlearn these things. I became a rebel with a cause. I found freedom in saying the things other people couldn't say. But in the end, there was really no loss, only learning. It turns out that there's a big difference between knowing the BS path to enlightenment and actually walking the BS path to enlightenment.

Fuck the pretense of spirituality, you don't just go and learn to be a yoga teacher in India or drink Ayahuasca in the Amazon or live in a temple in Tibet with your money. You don't just read a book about spirituality and write a sweet little essay about it then call yourself 'aware and spiritual'. I say fuck that. You really have to put yourself out there, and not be afraid to carry the burden of the cross as you walk. There is really no shortcut to awareness, and it is also an ego thing to even write that I have walked the BS path. It is also an ego thing to say that I'm aware because who knows for sure? I'm still walking the BS path and even this idea I have to let go. In this world, there are people who try to think they are better than the rest and then there are the victims. It is hard to be in between because it is the nature of humans to lean to the extreme side of things based on the societal conditioning.

As an adult, the ego in me wants to punish people. Deep down, I am still this fragile little girl in a yellow dress running around the fields then showering you with kisses. But then I could easily undress and wear my tight leather suit and whip you if you are a very bad boy. I spent a lot of time whipping bad boys until they like the pleasure of it, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Negative attention is pleasurable as it still feeds the ego. There's a whole problem with being your true, genuine self. People would punish you for it and you would fight them back. Until you finally learn that you cannot just fight the rest of the world. You cannot forever go against the flow of the river, so why not just let go and focus on your own shit. I realized that I want to keep running around the beautiful fields and blowing dandelion seeds.

The reality is that I'm done protecting my ego and bearing the burden of others but it is easier said than done. I'm done receiving these stabs to my chest for the rest. I'm done dogmatically clinging to the cold hands of these stupid ideas. In fact, I like this world to change and whatever I do, I will still belong under all these disorder labels. Who knows? Perhaps I really found freedom in my own madness. I found freedom not to care about all the stupid shit and all these labels. I decide to focus and care about more important things in life. Things that deserve my attention more.

Adults are just obsolete children, wearing these stupid masks pretending they have grown up. Running around pretending they know better. Thinking they are more intelligent so they go around trying to prove their point. They go waste their time on stupid shit all in the name of ego. I do not want to be one of these adults anymore however difficult that may be. A part of me still falls back to this being an adult - giving a fuck about some petty shit. I want to be mature enough to be that child again, who only cares about other kids who want to play with me, my own toys, the wonderful nature and the rest of the world. More important things that are worthy of my attention. I will not care about these ignorant adults who try to make fools of themselves out there.

For the short duration of my life here on earth, I learn not to take adults seriously. Don't expect me to give you an adult attention anymore. It is not apathy, I just learned who are the people who really deserve my reaction. I learn to divert my focus on things that really matter. I will try not to fight against the flow anymore, and just let go. I will recognize reality but I will only choose what is healthy for me. As I grow older, I have come to know what is bad for my health and I can easily remove these things or people in my life. And I will simply not give them what they want from me - not my kisses and not even my whipping. I will not inflict pain, just simply nothing from me anymore. Sometimes, it can be the worst thing so I will be careful not to lean to the extreme side again. Just because I don't strike you with my sword does not mean I have surrendered to defeat. My warrior instinct just says to take the higher ground. In end, even winning a battle does not even matter, it is just a thing of the ego. I will try to constantly look at myself in the mirror as I am still a work in progress. But I am myself without apology even if I'm down to the last few people in my life. Real people who love you for what you are is all you need. Being mature to be a child again is learning how to handle these unpleasant things in life and being able to move on. Life is too short to focus on unimportant adult shit, so strip the ego and learn to accept your vulnerable truth. Decide to be mature enough to be a child again.