This morning was pretty rough, I spent over 4 hours at the traffic department applying for a PDP (Professional Driving Permit) which I need in order to get the next production job.
There’s nothing like standing in a hot room in a long queue with people far too close to you to make you consider your boundaries.
I’ve been putting off a conversation with someone I haven’t spoken to in a while.
I have a tendency to see only the best in people and let them get too close too soon. This
coupled with the fact that I try very hard - perhaps too hard - to make everyone happy has led to quite a few situations where people very quickly seem to get attached to me and behave as if they have ownership of my energy.
What makes it worse is that I’m not good at expressing my feelings when they could hurt someone else’s. I give too much and often only realise it when I’ve already been bulldozed and left feeling voiceless and resentful.
At this point I usually go full Cancarian and sneak into my shell, disappearing altogether. The problem with this is that I don’t get to speak up for myself or the boundaries that have been crossed.
This happened twice last year. I was willing to let go of both altogether and I had. But about a week ago I got an email from one of them apologising and owning their selfishness and skew judgement.
We all make mistakes and I’m not one to hold grudges. If you can be big enough to own your wrong doings and apologise then I have to be big enough to forgive you.
But the reason I had been putting it off was that I needed to find a way to say that whilst also setting boundaries and making myself heard.
So I decided to make being trapped in a queue with people crossing my physical boundaries inspiration for respecting my emotional ones.
It took me a while to find the right words, but I did. At least I hope so. I was honest about how she’d made me feel but also that I appreciated her apology and felt that defined her more than her previous behaviour.
I hope she is able to take what I said constructively but regardless I'm content that I showed respect for myself. If she can't respect that then she can't be in my life.
I ended the day with another amazingly exhausting boxing session - calming any anxiety I had on the subject - followed by a delicious stir fry and a glass of red and now I'm ready for bed.
Good night everyone.
Love,
Daisy xx
( @daisyd )