Sorry its been awhile since I have written anything. If you're still with me, thank you! If you're new to this journey of mine, welcome! Sit back, strap on your seat belt and grab a straight jacket because I have had some mind blowing thoughts lately.
I started this as a journal of sorts of my life from the beginning of adulthood to now. Im nearing 40 and coming into a sort of spiritual awakening that seems so unlike who I thought I was.
When I was little my mother owned a New Age bookstore. I was born into the law of attraction, spirit guides, past lives, inner self, believing in the I Am, the power of crystals and stones... I suppose you get the gist.
I became a mother at 19, married at 20 and a 2nd baby at 21. The father of both my children had this great way of gaslighting me and making me believe that the things I had always known were false. He talked about my family as if they were not good enough and made me feel that way too. Everyday! I stayed with him for several years because in my young, tender, maleable state I believed him. His tongue was sharper than any sword and to me his words were gospel. For example when I told him I was leaving him (and I did for a short while but ended up going back because well, I wasn't good enough for anything else) he said to me, "Go ahead, you know where the door is. Just remember your 22 with 2 babies. Nobody is going to want you." Yeah. He did. I don't know why I remember those words exactly as he said them. Maybe that was where it all started for me because although I wasn't looking, it turned out nobody wanted me (again, in my tender young mind).
I enlisted in the military shortly after and told him that I was not sure I was in love with him. Most people have a specific reason they joined the military and when you get to basic training they ask you why.
"I want to prove to myself that I AM something. I want to know that I am strong and disciplined and that I can take on the world and make it through."
This was the most genuine response I could give at the time.
The Drill Sergeant raised his brow at me like I was fucking nuts. Which, I might add, didnt faze me since my husband always said I was crazy anyway. Most of the kids I was there with wanted college paid for or a steady career.
"Private you ARE something alright. I'm going to make sure you leave here with exactly what you want." ( insert evil undertone here.)
And I did! I was a damned rockstar with 6 pack abs and a bad ass attitude. The problem is that it didn't fix my penchant for self sabotage. Guess what I did? Yep, I ran right back into the arms of the man I allowed to break my spirit! And he did. Over and over and over again. Cheating, lying, gaslighting son of a bitch and I was addicted to him. I look back now and know, without a doubt, the allowance I gave he and his family is what caused my lack of knowing who I was and what I and everyone in this entire world is capable of with the power of mind. I believe in mind over matter, absolutely, but had forgotten for so long. Its kind of like when someone holds your head underwater and you can't breathe. You know how to swim and if their grip isn't too tight you CAN get away! Eventually I did but I feel that this is a good place to cut off for the day. Please follow me for more. We can pick up right here where I left off. One day I will write a book about this to share my experience with the world but today its just us. This little group of people who now know more about me than most people.
Until Next Time Friends. I Love you. (In case nobody has told you today.)
