This is embarrassing to admit, but I know there are other men out there that feel the same way as me and hopefully they can find solace in relating to my story. For reference I am a straight male, 23 years old living in the US.
I have never liked the way I look, in fact I barely look at myself in the mirror anymore. I have added on a few pounds in the recent months after my heart surgery, but before this I have always been tall and skinny. My face has always just been a little bit too round, my eyes a bit too puffy and my jawline undefined. As a young kid, everything was fine, but as I found other men around me growing more defined features, it seemed like I was left in the dust. In high school I never had many girls who liked me besides a friend, and the ones who did, I wasn’t attracted to. Even if I was on the same level of attractiveness as the girls who liked me, I found myself wanting someone more attractive. I tried and tried to get over this obsession with beauty, but have found it extremely hard to.
Im not sure where my obsession with beauty developed, most likely from my mother who can be a very shallow person, but it was definitely reinforced by my own experiences in life. In life I never desired popularity, money or nice things, I just wanted to be beautiful and get attention from the opposite sex. It always felt like I had a hole, created by my own insecurities, that I was trying to fill. In high school I often found myself googling plastic surgery and looking at the various transformations that skilled doctors have created. To the point where I was able to convince my mother to pay for a rhinoplasty before I went to college. While it did make my overall profile better, it was just part of the problem and not much has changed. I remember that feeling of calm right before I went under the knife, thinking “maybe ill finally be beautiful after this”. I was definitely more confident about my appearance, but eventually that would disappear as I entered college.
When I went to college I was roomed with 2 other kids, 1 of whom was very attractive and got a lot of attention from females. While I would have to work an entire night and do everything correctly to even get noticed by a girl, he would say things like “your hair smells nice” and instantly get a girl. Deep down I became very jealous of him and after a few experiences with finding girls I really liked, only liking me as a friend because they weren’t attracted to me (other girl friends of mine told me this in a few of the cases after I hounded them for information), I found myself giving up completely. Im not the type of person to blame people for things they can’t control and I completely understood that I can’t change what they are attracted to, just like I can’t change what I’m attracted to, so I began to look at myself as the problem.
Suddenly I started saving my money for more expensive plastic surgery, dreaming one day I could afford it and everything would change. I no longer looked in the mirror because my face had begun to disgust me. I started weightlifting, but no matter how much bigger I got, I still looked awkward. Watching around me as everyone else was getting into relationships and finding people eventually put me off of women entirely. I stopped going out, socializing with girls or even caring about how I looked because I figured there wasn’t a chance anyway. At this time I got into bitcoin and it distracted me from most of my problems, but was really just an escape from reality.
However as I enter my last semester and realize that not much has changed I wonder what the future holds for me. I know women at an older age stop caring about looks as much and maybe I will too, but I now have a complex inside of me that if I had a beautiful girlfriend when I got older it would be because she was settling for me. I am making my post primarily because the house I am subletting in for my last semester has a lot of girls in it, some attractive and im finding myself feeling out of place. I can be outgoing funny and people like me but only as a friend.
I have struggled with body dysmorphia for my entire adult life and everything I have done, between therapy and trying to change my thinking has been unsuccessful. I feel like I am fighting a battle that is unwinnable and that it is easier to just not engage with any women at all. I know much of these feelings are what most people my age are feeling, but my extreme solutions to the problem go beyond what other men would do. My friends don’t think this way and can’t relate to how im feeling, but I also feel like I cant talk to them about it. People often think that the only men suffering from these problems are homosexuals, but im proof that straight men do as well. I don’t have a solution on how to get over body dysmorphia, but if you are a guy out there and feeling the same way as me, know you are not alone.
-Calaber24p
yep,
hang in there and be stronger than any neurosis. This has been my self-reminder my whole life. I am, have been, and always will be mildly to considerably neurotic about one thing or another.
When I was in my 20s and less so in my 30s, I was very self-image fixated.
Age is the best remedy.
At 51 currently, I've seen my "mind-traps" (this is how I've come to know them) transform from one silly bit to something else equally inconsequential year after year... and as I look back at all those Earth shattering and insurmountable issues - now it all seems I was wasting my time with silly concerns.
Appearance especially, it means far less to others than you think.
I always knew the media was there to make money and yes I knew that was the origins of my obsessions over;
This all made me very unhappy when I was in my 20s... so sad.
Edward Bernays would've been proud.
Our society is programmed to be image fixated.
Its not your fault, but knowing where it comes from can help you face it down.
~DM
As a guy who has also struggled with appearance (to a greater or lesser extent)... I can offer this. (and please excuse the generalizations)
Guys seem to be largely attracted to girls based on their beauty... and as a guy it's easy to project this same notion onto the opposite sex, thinking: "If I want a beautiful woman, then surely that woman wants a beautiful man". But to women's credit, I've found them to be much less judgmental about appearance than guys.
Guys assume women are more judgemental because they are much more concern about their looks... But think about it!!!! The real reason women are over-concerned about their looks is because men are so judgmental. Women wear makeup to impress guys and stand out among other women as better mates.
Us guys have to look in the mirror and realize that we are the judgemental ones.
I've found through observation and personal experience that women are mainly attracted to confidence. Now, if there are no really confident guys around (which is often the case), then yeah, the pretty guy might win. But I've watched unattractive confident guys steal hot girls away from very attractive guys many times.
Let's take the 10 point scale of attractiveness. The truth is that you are whatever number you believe you are. If you believe you're a 6, then in your reality, you are indeed a 6. If you believe you are a 10, then in your reality, you are indeed a 10. Given reality is subjective in nature... why let anyone else define how attractive you are? At the end of the day... "your reality" is the only one that matters. Most people actually have such weak realities that when they come in contact with a strong reality, the strong reality wins even if it's not the most normal or common.
I don't care what you look like... you have the potential to be a 10. The moment you start believing that, is the moment your perceptions start to change. And if you truly see yourself as a 10 then others will too.
Everyone struggles with different things, but all these struggles are the same in that they can make us stronger.
It is better to be strong than beautiful and it is equally hard to be both.
Women don't always wear makeup just to get men. My girlfriend's and I wear makeup because it is fun and it's fun to play with different looks. Has nothing to do with men. Always has been that way since I was a teenager I'm 49 now.
Wonderfully written. Thank you dan.
I really had no idea that men also struggled with this. I commend you for your bravery. The body dysmorphia is usually caused by something more internal, and although I know this may not help you, I do realize that the emphasis placed on looks is part of the problem. I had similar issues for most of my youth but they tended to go away once I began the healing process and focusing more on internal things I had more control over. The fact that you do not have control over your physical appearance is perhaps connected to your affliction. I know you won't believe this, but people do fall in love with others not based primarily on looks. Looks fade, the soul does not. My advice is to form relationships with people who care about you and focus less on physicality.
Thanks Stella I know it is internal just not how to fix it. I just find it difficult to accept that I have no power over how I look. Its a thought similar to something like "you will never go back to your childhood". Its hard to accept because once you do its painful. I appreciate the kind words.
I think you just answered your own problem by your admission, "I just find it difficult to accept that I have no power over how I look."
I think your main fixation lies in your inability to have control over life's course. There is something that is scared within you about the lack of control. Look into that area for your solutions. Life is not controlled by us and things happen to us that we have no control over. This fact used to drive me insane. I wanted control. It took many years for me to admit that I don't have control over how others view me. I can decide what sort of person to be, but I cannot control how they react to me. I think your problem lies in this area. Your problem is deeply ingrained in your psychology. The only thing we have control over is our reactions to life. I sense that you are scared of being emotionally controlled by others.
That was very raw and honest, and I do not know what advice I should offer, if any.
It does make me consider though, what the future will hold. Most likely, as a 23 year old, you're around the prime of your life. Age we all age, most likely there will be some weight put on, loss of muscle tone, and appearing of wrinkles and such. I wonder how those things will effect you in the future, if you're struggling right now.
My heart goes out to you @calaber24p, and I hope that you can overcome this, soon.
Thanks papa, I appreciate it
From one heterosexual guy to another, you looked like a decent guy in the photo at the end of your heart surgery post. Also, depending on what you're looking for in the future, you may only need to be able to get one girl. Now that I have my wife, all the women before no longer matter in that way, and all the other ones that I could potentially get have become irrelevant.
Hopefully, you find that encouraging! Thanks for the post!
Thanks papa, my face isnt in the picture though for good reason and I think that photo makes me look better than I really am. Its true I only need to get one girl and there are so many out there which gives me hope, but at the same time I have become afraid of rejection the more I get rejected by the girls I really like.
I thought that final picture 8 months later was of you? I know the fear of rejection. I was absolutely TERRIFIED of my wife when I first met her. I knew that if I really went for her, I could seriously get hurt. Thankfully that's not what happened.
@calaber24p I am twice your age friend, And I am by no means a good looking guy! I started losing my hair at 23, what's left is getting grey, i'm on the fat side, I look like a gorilla but I have a beautiful wife who loves me for who I am, not my physical appearance. My point is, beauty or good looks don't last, inner beauty is immutable . But inner beauty can be covered up by self doubt, just let it shine thru!
I had the same feelings when I was your age, it goes away when you stop being concerned about what other's see on the outside, and let the see the true self. If I can do it, you can too!
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement, I really hope I get to a point in my life where this happens and can end up in a happy loving relationship like you. Thanks again
Yeah, take it from @jed78. He's WAY UGLIER than almost any other guy.
If he can make it through, anyone can!
I know right!?
I thought you'd appreciate that @jed78!
(I'm just trying to encourage @calaber24p)
I can definitely speak from experience as a 30 year old male... Women don't emphasize looks as much as you get into your late 20's and beyond. Then it becomes all about status. A good job, a nice car, a nice house... etc. All of those things mean just as much as physical attractiveness.
As long as you are at least decently attractive (no physical deformities and not alarmingly overweight) you will be fine. Physically, just be the best you that you can be. Stay fit, eat decently, work out, cut your hair, stay well groomed etc.
On top of those, though, the best advice is to work on your "life game". Have the best life possible you can have and you will be surprised how many women flock to you and want to join you on your journey... Do things you enjoy, travel to places you want to see, try new things you want to try... all those things are great at creating a more attractive atmosphere.
Thanks for the advice jrcornel, I know that things will get better as time goes by but I cant help but feel like they are settling for me at that point. Its probably not true, but I cant help but think about it.
Well don't feel that way... the attractive ones now may not even be attractive in 5 years... A buddy of mine had his choice of girls in highschool.... girls would call him a 10. Now he is bald, fat, and has glasses and they don't call him that now...
Right, later in life it becomes more about the security you can offer rather than your appearance.
I am really sorry to hear that and you know you are right, this is the first time I heard a guy saying these words, you dont see it in media, you dont see it anywhere. You hear a lot about girls confidence and girls problems. I think you did very well to open up and you are really brave. I think you are a beautiful person and looks they are just looks. When I was your age I thought and felt that looks was everything, trust me in 5-6 years, you will realise that nobody cares so much about looks, but more about your personality, how kind, honest and nice you are. I will never date guys anymore who are good-looking, because I dont want a Ken. I want someone who will treat me nice and who will love me. I know its hard to understand that now, but please dont do any plastic surgeries, they won't take the issue away. It is good that you can talk to us about it, and the only advice I can give you is to love yourself more. If you love yourself, people will love you and girls will notice your confidence. Every day write a thing about yourself that you like, it doesnt have to be a body part, it can be your personality trait. I hope I helped somehow... I used to go through similar thing when I was younger, I was fat and bullied and everyone around me was always better, prettier and skinnier. So sending loads of hugs xxx Alla
thanks i appreciate the kind words Alla!
It might help to realize that the "embarrassment" of your admission is all in your head. As someone who is seriously bi-polar, I'm certainly not going to throw stones or look down upon you . . . . (and, in fact, I would argue that you are more healthily self-aware than most of the buffoons who will laugh or look down upon you)
Its a rough topic to talk about as a guy , I know its in my head, but I appreciate the no judgement.
I weigh 170 pounds and when I look in the mirror, I see someone twice that size. I love you for this post. My husband always tells me I am hard on myself and I see myself bigger than what I really am. I always thought that's how women always felt but now I know that's wrong. I am trying to take a good look in the mirror when I try on something new. I always say, this makes me look fat. Now, I try and find the positives such as, this accentuates my curves. Real men suffer from being thrown into a stereotype box. A real man doesn't cry, doesn't say hes fat, doesn't do anything feminine, doesn't care about his looks etc.... That is not true. Real men feel.
This post was very inspiring to me because of the honesty and true expression of yourself. I never had "body dysmorphia" like you but I have had a similar experience with girls in my teens.
I was shy, quiet, and very awkward. With my friends group that I hung out with would have a mix between girls and guys. The girls found me "creepy" cause when I felt attracted to them and saw them I would just stare in a way that made them feel weird. While everyone else in the group was "hooking up" I was alone. It was very hard for me for a long time.
At one point I realized that I had a guilt complex about being a dominant man towards women. I realized this was created when I was young by my all women family (my grandma, 3 aunts, all 3 girl cousins). They were constantly complaining about men and very unsatisfied with there relationships. I would talk/listen among them about men being womanizer, lazy and all they want is sex(etc.). I internalized this and shaped myself in a way that was opposite towards a strong dominant man. I have literally caught myself, when im not thinking, clenching, compressing and pulling my abdomen backwards into myself.
As I have realized this I've started accepting myself more as a man. As I go through this process I find women being attracted to me more and more over time. I still stare and smile at women I find attractive but now they respond with attraction the majority of time. The difference is that now I confidently push my chest out, stretch out my abdomen and I walk/stand tall whenever I can; When catch my self with my old habit and pulling my body inward, I just push it back out again. With this new comparability I have I do some of the exact same things as before, except with positive results. If you have any other questions or want more tips on what helped me with the change I would be happy to help. Keep up the strong expressive feelings within your post, cheers!
Wow quite the post! I'm so sorry that you are struggling with that. It seems that mass media pushes certain images of perfection on us. I love posts about health and health issues! UPVOTED!
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https://steemit.com/life/@kus-knee/the-old-dog-investigates-is-laughter-really-the-best-medicine
This was such a brave post for you to write and share here on Steemit. As a woman, I can definitely relate to the feeling of falling short of an external standard of beauty and consequently feeling less desirable and attractive.
I truly wish you the best and hope that writing about your struggle, and possibly even finding some of the advice posted by other men in a similar situation to be useful, will help you feel freed from your unwanted self-perception.
thanks i appreciate it , especially from a woman because many of them think im just being shallow. I know I am , but I wish I wasnt like this. I wish looks werent even a factor to me because I think they skew what I think of people.
Ah, that must be alienating to be considered shallow when really you're struggling to overcome self-consciousness, which isn't an indulgent process at all - it takes a lot of courage. Best of luck to you, my friend.
time in the best medicine and aging will remedy this issue...
or at least for most it does.
I understand the struggle good sir, I too have body dysmorphic disorder, or so that was the label i was given. I was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, and for the longest time I struggled with looking in the mirror and tried coping in various ways. I feel like i've finally started to grow out of it.
Stories like yours make me feel like a whiny asshole, you actually had something wrong and im complaining about not being good looking enough. Thanks for relating though
Nah dude, you are fine. Everyone experiences life differently. Everywhere we look we are being conditioned to feel like we arnt good enough in order to drive consumption of various things.
yes we are, I agree.
Conditioned from the first TV ad we see.
And have you noticed how babies stare transfixed at TV ads?
As soon as the flashy colors are gone, back to whatever else.
Neuroses are a condition too. They can cripple and some don't find a way to overcome them, so don't be dismissive of your condition. You have a serious condition that is affecting your quality of life. I think just admitting it here is brave of you. What is your next plan? What are you truly afraid of?
I can relate on many levels to your issues, and sometimes underneath a neurotic fixation is a deep fear of intimacy. I believe you might be struggling with that? Your fixation with your flaws might be connected with your feelings of lack of control when dealing with romantic relationships? This was the underlying cause of my fixation with STD's, (that still plagues me). My fear of getting STD's was so strong that it kept me away from forming relationships with men. It was the loss of control and fear of rejection that fueled all my neurotic fixations.....Is this perhaps what is underneath your body dysmorphia?
I definitely have body dysmorphia, too. I've had three different plastic surgeries to correct things. I don't know if I'll ever be happy with my appearance. :(
Its sick but I still want 2 more surgeries. I told myself I would wait until im 30 (7 more years) and if I still felt that way Id get them done.
Nothing is sick when it has the illusion of fixing the underlying problem. There is an underlying issue, that is psychological in nature, I have no doubt about it. I am curious about your personality traits and other things about you besides your appearance. How are your relationships in general? What kind of friend are you to other people? If I ask too many questions, sorry. I had an eating disorder as a teen and was really warped in my mind, so I have lots of experience with this stuff.
so much focus on the exterior of our being while the inside suffers much more exponentially by the lack of care... Maybe the pain and the suffering of the illusive will bring about the realization of the essential? Namaste :)
Im I right to believe your friends are the type who judges every girl they see? From this very entourage you are feeling like you couldn't settle with a less attractive girls because you once again fear judgement of the people surrounding you?
One of the best things you can do for yourself in your situation is to think what i just said over deeply. Give yourself 24h, whatever you need. And then get mad, resolve to fight back. When you feel you're mad enough at yourself, you go find yourself the filthiest, smelliest, nastiest boxing gym you have in your area, that is full of oldschool sweaty men with busted taped noses, who all scare you. No fucking krav magas or super ballerina kickboxing! Join an earthy, simple boxing gym, you will learn how to knock a guy out with one punch in 2 months. But that isn't even the point. You're not going to be the champion, and you don't even have to like boxing. You're there to soak up the fumes of masculinity that are so badly missing in your life. Attend religiously. Tell yourself you'd rather die than miss a class; after all, this is your golden ticket out of your lifelong funk. It's as real as it gets. Your stunted spirit will blossom out in that environment, now given the nourishment it so badly needed. It will then soar all by itself, and dazzle the girls around you, without you even having to do or say much of anything. "Your hair smells kinda nice" is perfectly fine.
Any questions, feel free to bring it up with me. I will answer anything you want in ridiculous mouthwatering detail, after you post your giddy report from the first day at olympic stinky-gym boxing.
At the end of the day, the only guy you're really here to compete against is yesterday's version of yourself.
Perhaps this young man also lacked a male mentor in his life to teach him that there really is a beautiful duality called masculine and feminine; lurking in our subconscious whether we pay it mind or not.
Just to state the obvious, men don't have to be completely masculine...and there are women attracted to men that project more of the feminine side, or a shy side. Sounds like he needs to decide if he wants to hunt in the land of abundance or strive for the exceptional. To do the former he will have to purge himself of that feminine quality which he got from his mother that causes him to worry so much of his appearance.
I notice a lot of young men these days, with a similar problem, tho they are trying to become hypermasculine and already looking for steroids and testosterone supplements in their 20s, when they are perfectly strong and masculine looking. No amount of validation from female attention will curb it. Just as harmful as anorexia but it can look "healthy" just because they are muscular.
Believe it or not there are women out there who are attracted to skinny men, fat men, whatever. On the other hand I've never heard of a woman who was attracted to a man who pities himself and lacks confidence. You can't change your body (technically you can but surgery has risks of complications including death) but you can change your attitude about it. Personally I started losing hair early in life and worried it wasn't sexy. One day something snapped and I just stopped caring and even shaved the rest of it off. Having hair or not may or may not be sexy to a given person but not caring what others think is always sexy. There's probably someone who likes you exactly as you are but as long as you've convinced yourself you're unworthy you'll never see what's right in front of you. What it boils down to is choosing whether you wish to be a happy person or an unhappy one. Which do you choose?
Interesting and deep post. Looks are only skin deep and once someone gets to know you-the you they see is how you treat them and the loyal, honest person you are. After knowing a person even for a little while it's hard to describe what they really look like because so.....much more is involved than the outer appearance. All the best to you!
gut
Hi. Thank your for sharing your story. I'm sorry you're in pain.
I have a 32 year old son with issues of his own and it's hurts me to see a young man struggling. You haven't mentioned if you've gone to professional help for this? That is what I would recommend. Getting help is a sign of courage, health and maturity.
Once you can find the beauty inside your self you will set free all them self conscience thoughts. From what I read you sound like a honest person girls like that in guys. They like to se confidence also, try to think more on the level that they are lucky to meet you. Maybe that will help approach woman more confidently.
Any how most of the super beautiful girls are most liikly to cheat or be bitches. Maybe the girls you think are friends are more your type and you can be yourself more.
I hope this helps.
hey man totally get where your coming from trust me most of it is just in your mind and a mental battle that you can win .
learn to love yourself first get ripped work out ride a bike or run let your actions define you not your insecurities find your passion in life and live passionately
let love find you ... when your ready it will blow you away
i have seen some ugly dudes with the hottest of women and its not looks that got them there it was just being a MAN ! they were just walking the roads that god laid for them !
find your path upgrade your operating system strengthen your mind and your spirit do things that are hard , do some martial arts , and eat good food!
battle your mind not your body!
It's interesting to hear about a man's struggles with this. It's very rare you hear about it. It's weird how you always see yourself so differently than others see you.
People tend to surprise you, when you least expect it. Days where I feel I'm at my worst, I'll get a compliment.
Little tip from a female though, confidence is what's most attractive in a man. I cannot stress that enough. Learning to love yourself, however easy it may sound, can be tough sometimes, I know. It's a struggle most of us have from time to time. But again, if you're assertive and confident you might be surprised. Not cocky, someone worthwhile wont fall for that.
Hope that helps and thank you for sharing.
I find myself concerned many times throughout each day. Growing up, I considered myself very pretty and could go out with most guys that I found attractive. Now that I am 23, I wear less make up and over all feel that I am less pretty. I have a boyfriend and no matter how much he tells me that he's attracted to me, I fear him desiring other more attractive girls and I find myself jealous often. Although our situations are different, Mine hurts too. I think we all have our internal struggles. Our job is to learn how to accept and love ourselves just as we are.
cool post @calaber24p
I can can totally relate to this. I stopped looking in the mirror for this reason.
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I feel really like you, I like your article is a truth that does not show much but happens to us every day, men also have trauma with our body