Today my love is still asleep and I on the other hand cannot even close my eyes. I have not been here for a while as the energy I harness comes and goes so fast. I have good days and bad days. I wanted to write to all of you, my friends here on Steemit. I wanted to say and vent if it is ok. I am sick and tired of how the Goverment treats those who are in a similiar state that I am. I am happy to say that finally Canada has adapted a system of assisted suicide for those in terminal stage of certain illnesses. One of my Loves
@lynncoyle1 friends also just passed away from cancer at our age. She was able to use this service and she died at home peacefully. MY girl has endured so much lately that I feel such pain for her and honestly I am confused on what I should do.
Do I do what I feel is best for me?
That is a good question don't you think.
I think it is a great question but I keep coming up with confusing answers that still leave me wondering. I know that if I chose to do the easy way out that I am no longer a burden on anyone an that Lynn would be financially secure. I also know that our love is so strong that neither one of us want it to end. I know it will eventually have too and that I am not afraid to live with the pain as long as I can see her and feel her each day. The smile I see each morning makes me warm and content but inside I feel so useless and sorry for her. I know our love is so real for what she has had to do to keep me comfortable and safe. I know that inside the heart she beats true love for me.
I feel that most people would not want to know when they would take their last breath but I would rather know when will I go. The date and time. These days I wake up so disorientated and groggy that I feel like what the hell am I doing. The cost of staying alive has become a burden for us. Why?
I have been unable to work in so long that really why should I be here to just be here. You know what I mean. Why is it that the cost of breathing air is such a burden to those around us. I have to say that Lynns boys, my step sons keep me strong at times. They both say that I taught them so much in life and they are grateful for all I have done for them. All I did was love them and teach them what I knew. You see Lynn is the smart one but in this world it is me that has the street smarts lol. She says that alot to me. I taught them what I know about that and much more. I was a business major in university and feel that I was lucky enough to teach them more than life. I hope I was able to show them how to treat a girl and to love. To show that it is ok to show your true feelings and follow your heart at times. I remember that I would get a whooping from my Dad if I ever forgot to respect women, girls, ladies no matter the age. I was taught to hold the door for them and show respect. My first outing with the boys after meeting Lynn was a great day. I learned about them and vice versa but when we were leaving they piled in the car and I said WTF. I then told them about my Dad and had them get out of my car and hold the door for their Mom. I explained the importance of it and that later in life they would feel better about themselves by the actions they showed in the past. I am sorry for this post as I am so unsure of things and I am rambling like a idiot I think. I am also a believer that I cant delete this as its my thoughts and feelings. SO CONFUSED LOL.
Anyway my friends I am so thankful for meeting you all here. I would never chage any of it except I wish i could pull up in each and every one of your cities and shake your hands and say Thank you. I feel it was a privledge to meet each and every one of you even if not in person. I feel I know alot about you all and I know my girl will have friends here for a long time. Thank you for being here for us both and Thank you for listening to our story. I am content to know that because of you all my love Lynn will be looked after. You see we are a 24/7 couple and when I go she will be left with a void and I know she will be ok because you are all here to listen and talk with.
Please read until the end
From my soul I say these words
THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH AGAIN. YOU ARE FOREVER IN MY HEART............
picture taken when boys were younger
Your smile and our first adventure
words I really believe in my Babyloooo
ever since we met I have known we are unique
The way we talk and laugh with each other is different than anyone else
That I will never meet anyone I can trust as much as I trust you
I think most people search their whole lives to find what we have already found
TRUDAT LOL..........
Hi, I have not had opportunity to interact with you much. I do speak with Lynn on a regular basis and keep you both in my thoughts. I think it is incredibly brave and selfless the way you share your story in such a genuine manner.
I was drawn to comment because I have watched three people close to me travel the road you are on. We do not live an an area where they had many options.
This has given me very strong feelings on the subject. No body can say what is right for you. I firmly believe in your right to decide.
After watching this play out three times I believe there is a better way than what my loved ones were offered.
I wish you two many more good days. I do know each moment is a treasured memory being created.
I also wish for you both freedom to choose when and if the time comes that you must.
Thank you the words but more importantly thank you chatting with Lynn. I am sorry about the three you have watched suffer and I too believe that it is my choice. Thank you for the support. Please feel free to cha anytime.
Glad to see another post from you, Brian! I'm sorry you aren't able to sleep. I've dealt with that before and it's rough. Especially when you're already tired and just want to get some rest.
I can't advise you on how to proceed, but I know that Lynn appreciates the time that she gets with you, every minute of it.
I'd enjoy getting a chance to meet you in person as well. If time and circumstances permit, that would be fun!
Hang in there, friend!
thank you my friend. been slow to respond.......been a bit down health wise again
Take all the time you need, friend. I'm sorry we haven't made connections for a while. I'm sorry that you're having another down spell health-wise. I hope it improves soon. Then you can get back to riding your scooter. :D
People are society, people are the church, people are the government. Not the leaders of these groups, but people. The true burden to these groups are the leaders, because they ignore the backbone of society, of the church, and of the government, that being US, the people.
Do not let them tell you, you are a burden. You can still think, you can still teach, and you can still share your love with Family, friends and society.
wow such positive words. Thank you so much. sorry i was late to reply. been not feeling well, up and down
Hey Brian, you are both so blessed to have a love so strong and deep.
I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to keep fighting. But I would never be able to speak from that perspective.
So let me simply share a few words of genuine friendship. I love you, and the fact that you are in this world spreading love, hope, faith and a love story that endures the tests of time. It sounds selfish, especially since we do not share your burden but receive so much from the love you put out.
At the end of the day, it all boils down to how well you've lived. Because regardless we will cherish you. But you should be able to let go without regrets.
A fan of your sweet love story. Xx
you are so kind to respond and thank you for what you said. very touching to know I can still contribute
In more ways than you realise my dear friend. In so many ways. They may not be the ones you are used to, but they are so valuable to nevertheless. Even from afar, I know how much you inspire me. How your love story inspires me. On days when I have doubts, when I feel down I reflect on your strength.
Again, all so very selfish of me, but it is true. Our lives are enriched and touched by you in more ways than you can imagine my dear friend.
It is you who has been so kind to share it with us. Xx
You will never be a burden to Lynn. We don’t have to tell you that and she doesn’t have to either because you know in your heart another moment together is one more valued memory.
Be strong and take care of yourself so you both will be healthy and welcoming when we all become Steemit whales and pay that visit to your tropical island.
thank you. sorry slow to respond. good days and bad days
I hope you have more of the good days.
God's blessings to you both. You and Lynn have an amazing, beautiful relationship, it is evident in your words. I know you are in no way a burden to Lynn! I pray for peace during this season of your life. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful heartfelt message with us
Thank you for reading and responding. I am lucky that I have such a wonderful girl. I wish you the best too
You have no sympathy coming from me. Its hard I get it.
Let me ask you one question:
What would Lynn give up for one day. just one day with you. ?
There is your answer !!!!!
get better yourself
You know the deal. keep fighting Doesn't end :)
Thanks buddy
Dang @briancourteau, thank you for sharing your inspiration with us this morning, I appreciate you igniting my emotions. God bless you both.
(My autocorrect had ‘ignoring’ instead of ‘igniting.’ “Bad timing, autocorrect!”)
lol autocorrect. Thank you for the words and your response motivated me. god bless you and your family
I can totally understand how you feel. In fact you're responsible for setting that in stone within me. I've had several people tell me I was wrong to have my hysterectomy. After finding out the details of how bad off I really was, again is confirmed I had made the right decision. Which am healing very well, I just need to remind myself just because I feel better doesn't mean I am healed.
I am glad Canada finally adopted assisted suicide. I know you want to live your life on your terms. You don't want to be hooked up to machines and build up a pile of medical bills. That you don't want Lynn to see you deteriorate any more than she has.
I'm pretty sure you know about the post she did (last week) I think. It's been 4 mos since she did the post giving your permission to pass, but since then things have been better. I know you want to do right by her and for her to be as happy as possible. I know she loves the little things. That is what she talks about the most. There comes the time though it does become about you. Yes, I think you guys should discuss it, but you have to be sure of your choice.
Personally, I would prefer for you to fall asleep rather than have a seizure or be in immense pain. You've dealt with so much. It is ok to say, I'm tired. As much as we wish we could keep everyone with us for eternity, in away we do. There will be a hole that never will be filled, but there are memories, feelings, pictures that live on in each one of us.
I know you've been off mostly to conserve your energy and spend time with Lynn. She'll remember everything, but this last year is what is going to stay with her the longest. Just don't make the decision because you think it's what she wants. Knowing her she's give you an earful.
I just want you guys to be a peace no matter what you decide. <3 you both.
your words brought me to tears. Thank you for really understanding. Thank you for being a friend. hugs
Hi Brian
There is not much more that I can add to the lovely messages you have received here.
Treasure each moment, and thank you for sharing your lives with us all.
Asher
Thank you for the message and words. I thank you for the votes you did here but most od all thank you for being a good friend to us and looking in on Lynn. Means alot to me.
I spoke to lynn a while back on messenger about hedge apples. A lot of folks swear by em and I have a friend with a whole tree full if you all are willing to give it a try.
http://hedgeappleman.com/
http://www.mullinslogcabin.net/hedgeapples__cancer
hell I will buy them off amazon and have them shipped to you if you shoot me your address. Just freeze em as soon as you get them and follow the instructions on mullins log cabin site
https://www.amazon.com/Chrisman-Mill-Farms-Oranges-Apples/dp/B072RZBJW6/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1534783285&sr=8-3&keywords=hedge+apples#customerReviews
I'm on the look out for them here :)
thanks my friend. sorry so late to respond. i apologize. been a bit down
You are right ... people search for it .... sometimes they think they have found it ( and they haven’t ) .... and some never find it .....I truly admire you two ... admire the love you share .... admire the unconditional love you two share ... you guys have helped me when I was at my lowest point in life .... when I didn’t believe in unconditional love ... when my whole world was turned upside down ... when i decided I was going to follow love .... and my love decided to search for love elsewhere ... when I decided I was going to step away from my current situation to follow what I thought was that unconditional love....when I was diagnosed with cancer while going thru this ... when my love fell in love with someone else ... when that love who was my best friend ... walked out of my life and shut me out....you guys showed me that there is real true love out there ...you made me realize that even if it wasn’t meant to be for me ... it really is out there ..... i know it’s a difficult decision for you to make ... and it’s not my place to even suggest you should do one thing over the other ..... but .... I think sometimes we don’t realize the effects we have on the people around us .... we become burdens .... but we are also sometimes a persons life line ... sometimes what one person sees as a burden, is really what gives another person a reason to live .... and someone to love .... anyway ... now I’m babbling ... lol .... but honestly ..... you guys have helped me get thru a difficult part of my life.
thank you so much. you made me feel good. I am glad we helped and I feel you will find it. I am sure. i feel it in my heart
Thank you guys ... honestly I’m not looking for it or expecting it anymore .... I believe some people are just meant to be alone .... and maybe I’m one of those people .... I can be perfectly content all by myself . 😊
God bless brother and thanks for keeping us updated, as difficult as the news can be ( and I wish you many more good days ), you can see in the comment section how many people love ya :)
Trudat!!! :)
Much love...
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I cried while reading this. Indeed true love exist. I pray God keep all of you strong through this time. You are strong