This Morning

It's hard for me to write this morning. I was up late last night writing my first blog entry and crying. If I were to truly release all of these emotions would I ever stop? I appreciate tears because I believe they heal but my mind feels tense and exhausted today. I've been thinking about visiting my brother but he lives with my mom and stepfather. I would be ok, I could manage but would I be visiting as myself if I were to do that? Today I am thinking about choice. I believe that in life we have an endless amount of roads we can choose from to travel. We had reached a fork in the road after my sister and I returned with our father from New York. We were lucky enough to go with him. We were going to visit my aunt at her house and I loved it there. I loved the brick walls, the apartment downstairs, the calm. My dad dropped us off there while he did whatever he was doing on those trips. We watched American Psycho (is that the name?) on tv and maybe we had some of those amazing New York bagels. I remember the movie but not much else. By the time we returned home there was trouble. My aunt had called and complained to my mom that we were dumped at her house without warning. Maybe they argued about finances too. I can't remember for sure but I remember seeing envelopes. Were they bills? That night, while my mom ironed her nurses' uniform she announced to us that she was leaving because he wouldn't. I begged her not to leave. She said she couldn't stay and so she went out of the house and travelled on foot. I don't know where she was going or if she knew either. I followed her out into the night, crying, following her up the street but she got away from me. My dad came by in his truck, picked me up and returned me to the house. He said he would bring her back. When I got home I threw myself onto the bedroom floor and cried some more. My siblings played and seemed unbothered. This angered me. I was devastated. Would she come back?