Why am I in China?
I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. It is annoying because I know the answer. I fled. I fit the stereotype. The foreigner who came to China to run away from problems at home. So why am I asking this question now after three and half years?
It could be the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas inevitably lead to thoughts about family and friends. I both look forward to and dread the photos posted on Facebook of holiday gatherings. I love to see their smiling faces while at the same time feeling the pangs caused by distance. I don't think this is the cause though. It is old hat. I am resigned to this new normal during the holidays.
I have had the same apartment for a year and half. I have had the same job for the past two and half years. I have even become used to the merry-go-round that is dating in China. I am not complaining. I have had it good. I have a job that pays well enough to live comfortably. I don't want for anything. I have an enviable amount of vacation time. Vietnam, Thailand, and China have all been my playground. I sometimes question if I even earn my salary.
I guess it is likely that I have just recently been able to envision my future life in China. I now know what it feels like to live in a Chinese apartment. A concrete box that is rarely ever a comfortable temperature even with the AC/heater working overtime. I know what my future Chinese girlfriend is likely to be. Loving, kind, generous, dependent, fiercely loyal as well as a little controlling. I know what salary and career opportunities I can expect.
So now that I can see clearly what my future is going to be like in China, why am I in China?
Well, I've been in China for quite a while. 10 years ago, I saw my future there (perhaps in a little house in Guangdong's countryside). But then came Mao Jinping. After his ascent to power everything got more complicated & censorship increased. Under Hu & Wen you could at least have some hope for improvement, but Xi is taking big strides backwards.
So, I think, now is actually a good time to leave China. There are other opportunities. You don't have to think China is your only chance.
Vietnam, eg., although also a commie state, is much more open & the internet much freer. Burma is opening up. Thailand, even under military rule, is very nice to live in.
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Yes, I have felt the tightening of society here. I agree that it does not bode well for a comfortable future.