Hi dude, i know how exactly you are feeling right now i had my share of pain experience as well two years ago with my Mom... even until now because i refuse to be healed i still want to feel the pain bec that was exactly what I want when she was in pain ....ako nalang sana... the existence of pain in my heart for me bec i dont want to let go of her... eventually, i will be healed but not that too fast.... stay strong dude!