ON IMPOSTER SYNDROME. LOH Contest #74

Hello beautiful Hivers, I hope you’re having a great week.
It took me a long minute to get into this week’s prompt because I didn’t know if I was ready to be this honest with myself. But here we go, this is the first time I talk about it, and write about it.
This weeks topic is one that requires some introspection. It made think about all the ways I need to do better. I made a list, and a promise to myself to be better.
On the top of my list is my habit of SECOND GUESSING MYSELF.

1️⃣ If you could change one thing about your personality, what would it be?

I have been living with an alarming level of imposter syndrome for the longest time. I think it started shortly after I got into university seven years ago or, that’s when I became aware of it. I hardly think I’m great at any thing, maybe I’m good but not good enough. It has affected me in so many ways - on many occasions I’ve refused to put myself out there, I judge and scrutinize everything I do until I’m convinced it’s not good enough. I don’t often see the good in myself and I would like to change that about me.

I would second guess every move I was required to make in school. It was always difficult for me to believe what I’ve done is good enough for anyone to see.
I admit this is a problem and trait I don’t quite fancy. I question and doubt myself, my thoughts, my opinions and my creativity. It doesn’t help that the persons around me think I’m great, my friends think I’m amazing at almost everything I do but me not so much.

Exam periods in school were a torment for me. I would do my exams like every other person then go home and get myself worried sick over my performance in the test. I’d be so scared I was going to fail or get poor grades because my brain keeps making me think I didn’t write well enough. The ironic part is I would pass excellently when the results come out, I’d be so happy and would wonder why I was worried in the first place but the next semester exams would start and ditto, I would start second guessing myself again; like a clockwork.

I remember when we had to tender our final year research project; back in December. The routine for our research project is this: First, each of our lecturers are assigned multiple final year- 500 Level students to supervise, monitor and and approve their projects.
Secondly, each student has to submit three topics they prefer to research and write on and one would be approved. My supervisor was kind at first when I met him for topic approval; he let me choose the topic I was most comfortable with instead of assigning one to me. We got a little personal and he was kind. People would say he’s difficult when I tell them he’s my supervisor but that wasn’t my first impression of him. the topics I chose were outside his field so he told me he would like to learn more about it from me and asked me to stay in touch. I didn’t.

Next, three lecturers including your supervisor are grouped into panels to grade the project and defense. Every student is required to be checking in with their supervisor every step of the way as you’re writing to enable them make the necessary corrections in each chapter before you submit the finished work prior to the defense.

Now being a serious student I waited until two days to the project defense before delivering my final piece of work. I didn’t check in with him since topic approval and here I was with a heavy note at hand claiming to be under his supervision. He appeared confused - first he said I wasn’t one of the students under his supervision which means he had no business with me. He told me to go find some other lecturer to do it. He became visibly upset when I explained to him that he can’t turn me away. Unlike the first time we met he wasn’t kind, I didn’t expect him to be, he was mad but it was completely understandable.

He took my work reluctantly, drove away and returned a few hours later and called me. He came out of his car with his little daughter, she said hello and gave me my work. I smiled and she smiled back. I said thank you.
I went to him and he told me to make the corrections and get back to him. It was a long list boldly written in a bloody red ink on the top page of my work.

At this point I was convinced I wasn’t going to get a good grade. I was already insecure about the quality of my work and here’s a terrifying list of mistakes to be corrected, it was Friday. Defense was on Monday. I left to get started. It was stressful but it was also my fault. Talk about actions and consequences. A couple of my old friends show up to give me moral support, their company meant the world in that moment cause a panic attack was lurking. I finished everything on Saturday evening and went to show him what I’d done.

I expected him to send me back with another red list but he didn’t. I was surprised and happy. He told me to go make the complete four copies and prepare for defense on Monday. I thanked him and apologized for my conduct and he told me it was okay.
I was relieved and realized I didn’t have to get my head so worked up. I did a great job but for my poor timing. I showed up for defense and the lecturers in my panel loved my work. And when the results came out online I had an A in my research project.

Now this unintentionally long story I told is just one instance of the so many times I’ve doubted myself.
The crazy part is anytime I happen to get out of my head and do something, the outcome is always proof that I should do more but I crawl away and hide.
Writing is another thing I get this feeling of inadequacy towards. I write a lot but I never think to share them. I know I love writing and sometimes I’m good but when it comes to sharing? Immediately No.

Hive is the only place that’s changing my writing habit. I’ve shared a lot more online here than I’ve done anywhere else in my entire life. And I think it’s because this place exudes comfort and genuineness.
I’m grateful for safe spaces.
I’m grateful for the many times I’ve been saved by the way my people see me. I know people’s opinion and validation should not be centered, but more often, the view and validation of the ones who see and love us can help us out of a dark place.

It is my deep desire to keep getting better. To keep taking baby steps and pushing myself to put a foot forward. I know my life could have been completely different if I did have this self doubt constantly holding me down.
I want to stop living in fear, to grow, share my life and ideas with the world as I become a better version of myself.

Thank you for dropping by.
Much appreciation to @silversaver888 for taking the liberty to host this week’s contest.

All photos displayed above are personal photographs taken by me.