1. Poet: Have you got my books of poems?
Lady: Oh, yes, I have. It is lovely! I wonder where it is…
Lady’s little son: It is under the leg of the table, Mummy.
2. Passerby: Why are you crying, little girl?
Little girl: Because my brother has holiday and I don’t!
Passerby: Well, why don’t you have holidays?
Little girl: Because I do not go to school.
3. Bessie is a little girl. She is only five. She does not go to school and, of course, she does not know how to read and to write. But her sister Mary is a schoolgirl. She is ten. One day Mary sees her little sister at the table with a pen in her hand and some paper in front of her. “What are you doing, Bessie?” she says. Bessie answers: “I am writing a letter to my friend Kitty.” But you don’t know how to write,” says her sister. “Well,” says Bessie, “it doesn’t matter, because Kitty does not know how to read.”
4. Mother: Kitty, what is Ada doing?
Kitty: Well, if the ice is as thick as she thinks it is, she is skating, but if it is as thin as I think, she is swimming.
5. Teacher: When it is cold, all things shrink and when it is warm, they expand. Who can give me an example?
Student: I can. The days in winter are short and the days in summer are long.
6. Boy: I want some hay, please.
Farmer: For your father, my boy?
Boy: No, for the horse. Father does not eat hay.
7. Two men, who are in the country for holidays, are walking in an orchard. They see that there are a lot of apples on all trees. Only on one tree there are no apples at all. A small country boy is sitting near that tree. They call him: “Come here, boy. Do you know why there are no apples on this tree?” “Of course I do,” answers the boy, “because it’s an oak-tree.”
8. Guest: Why is your dog sitting here and watching me eat?
Hotel host: I don’t know, it is probably because you are eating off the plate he usually eats off.
9. Willie is at the party. There are a lot of things on the table. “Do you want something more, Willie?” asks the host. “No, thank you,” answers Willie. “I am full.” “Well then,” smiles the host, “put some fruits and cakes in your pocket to eat on the way home.” “No, thank you,” answers Willie, “they are full too.”
10. On a fine day in June two students are sitting in a big city park. They have come to read for their examination and to have some rest. One of them says: “What a beautiful place to study in!” “Come, come,” says the other, “I think it’s a place where you really forget about studies.”
11. A nervous lady asked the captain in alarm: “ What will happen if we strike a large iceberg?” “The iceberg will pass along us as if nothing has happened,” answered the captain. The old lady sighed with relief.
12. John worked as a cabin boy on a small ship. One morning he brought in breakfast for the captain and said: “May I ask you something, sir?” “Of course you may,” said the captain who saw that the boy looked alarmed. “What is it?” “Can you say that you have lost a thing you know where it is?’ “Of course you can’t say you have lost it,” answered the captain. “Then I haven’t lost your coffee-pot because I know where it is,” said John with a smile. “Where is it?” asked the captain. “At the bottom of the sea.”
13. Driver (waking up): Where am I? Where am I?
Doctor: This is No 127.
Driver: Room or cell?
14. Boy: Can you see anything in the sky with this telescope?
Man: Yes, my boy.
Boy: Then where’s the balloon I lostthis morning?
15. Billy’s friends are calling him outside to play football. “Not now,” says Billy. “First I have to play the piano, then do my lessons and clean the rooms. Only after that I am allowed to go out. So wait for me after fifteen minutes.”
16. The class is having a gym lesson. The students are doing “the bike-riding” exercise. Only Tom is not moving his legs. “Why aren’t you moving your legs?” the sports master asks. “I don’t need to. Right now I am riding down the mountain side.”
17. Language specialists claim that the five sweetest phrases in speech are: 1) I love you 2) Dinner is served 3) All is forgiven 4) Sleep until noon 5) Keep the change. There are those who choose to add: You have lost your weight.
18. Two friends meet. The first asks: “Have you got a cigarette?” “No, I no longer buy them,” answers the second. “Why not?” “To stop your smoking”.
19. A woman came to a teacher and said to him: “I want to teach my son a foreign language.” “Certainly, madam,” said the teacher, “Which language do you want to teach him – French, Italian, Spanish?” “Which is the most foreign?” asked the woman.
20. Buyer: I would like to have the book entitled “How to become a polyglot in 10 days”.
Bookseller: Science fiction in the next department, please.
21. Two men were leaving a museum. One of them said: “That was a pretty big tip you gave to the checkroom girl.” “It seemed only fair,” said the other, “Look at the beautiful new overcoat she gave me!”