Evidence at the scene suggests that at least one half of the contents of one bottle, drained toward the end of the massacre, spilled onto a table and floor rather than into the mouth of any of the perpetrators.
Jerusalem, December 24 - Six enlisted men in Israel's military, with intention to destroy them in whole or in part, exterminated the contents of twenty-four bottles of Belgian pilsner over the course of a single evening at the home of one of the men, eyewitnesses reported earlier this week. Their names have been withheld, pending IDF confirmation of certain details of the incident.
IDF sources confirm that allegations have been leveled at the group of soldiers, including one noncommissioned officer at whose home the incident purportedly took place this past weekend. Disclosed details include that the bottles of beer were imports, demonstrating that the intent to perpetrate the destruction focused solely on non-Israeli bottles, highlighting the targeting specificity necessary to designate an act act genocidal.
Unconfirmed accounts of the genocide also described the participants in the beer massacre as expressing neither remorse nor any indication that they viewed their actions as negative in the slightest before, during, or after the case of beers was well and truly liquidated.
According to scattered sources, including members of the IDF in contact with the accused, the group of four men and two women gathered at the home of the NCO at about 7:30 pm on Saturday night, with one of them bringing along a case containing 24 bottles of Stella Artois. The group then allegedly spent the next four hours mangling the caps of the bottles and emptying the contents of those same bottles into their mouths, though evidence at the scene suggests that at least one half of the contents of one bottle, drained toward the end of the massacre, spilled onto a table and floor rather than into the mouth of any of the perpetrators.
The government of Belgium issued a swift response. "This degenerate act is an attack on all of humanity," insisted Minister of Foreign Affairs Maxime Prévot, and demanded an immediate investigation into the heinous crime, as well as European Union sanctions on Israel, though, his spokesman acknowledged, such a demand is more or less a weekly ritual at this point in the Low Countries. If M. Prévot had not issued such a call, that would have been newsworthy.
International outrage poured in almost immediately. The United Nations Human Rights Council announced an emergency session to discuss the incident, with delegates from Qatar, Iran, and South Africa introducing resolutions condemning Israel for "systematic liquidation of protected alcoholic beverages." A spokesperson for UN Secretary-General António Guterres expressed deep concern, noting that "the deliberate annihilation of an entire case of beer, particularly one of European origin, raises serious questions under international humanitarian lager."
Amnesty International released a 47-page report titled "Foam and Fury: Israel's War on Wheat-Based Beverages," accusing the soldiers of employing "disproportionate force" against the defenseless bottles. "Opening 24 bottles in one evening clearly violates the principle of distinction," the report stated. "Civilian beers should never be targeted in this manner." Human Rights Watch echoed the sentiment, demanding independent investigators be allowed access to the crime scene—specifically, the NCO's refrigerator—to examine any surviving evidence of hops maltreatment.
South African lawyers who recently brought genocide charges against Israel at the International Court of Justice announced they are amending their filing to include this latest atrocity. "The pattern is unmistakable," declared lead counsel Tembeka Ngcukaitobi. "From Gaza to this Jerusalem living room, we see a clear intent to destroy groups in whole or in part—whether human or fermented."
Leaked WhatsApp messages reportedly show one perpetrator bragging, "Mission accomplished—zero survivors," accompanied by a photo of empty bottles arranged in the shape of a Star of David. Another allegedly wrote, "Best reserve duty ever," prompting speculation that the genocide may have been premeditated for weeks.
The story continues to ferment across global media. Analysts warn this could mark the beginning of a broader campaign. "If they get away with this," warned one European diplomat, "next it'll be crates of Heineken, then entire shipments of Duvel. Where does it end?"
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