THE LIFE OF A JAVANESE "PRINCESS"

It’s been a very long time since I wrote or shared any story of myself. Thanks to my friend who showed me this new awesome community. It will be a very unreserved and frank introduction about myself.

Today is not a very great day for me. I don’t feel good. My baby brother is upset with me. He said to me “Nabiel, you send me a signal that I am not important to you at all. You forgot moms birthday last month, and now you forgot mine as well.

You know, I am not that cruel or ignorant. Just there is a reason why my brain works like this. Still, I think that I can’t just blame my brain. There are many ways to make me remember. I can use my smartphone agenda for example. I love them so much, but I did forget their birthday…..or did not want to remember. They were very sad about it, but they forgive me always…and still love me the same..

Thanks to my mom and thanks to my brother for their love. By the way, he is my one and only brother. I hope that he never get tired of me. I like to annoy him anytime. He is my most precious gift, thanks to God for that. Wishing you happy every birthday my "not so little” brotherrrr (Mmmuaahh). You are my biggest blessing. May you find happiness all your life. You are the sweetest, funniest, most caring, and handsome little man, the one I will forever protect, love and care for. I Love you.

So now let me tell you about myself.
My name is Nabiela but usually people call me Nabiel, Biela, Nab, Biel or another variant. It’s ok for me. I am a 24 year old Indonesian woman, currently living in Jakarta Indonesia. Before graduating I worked as front-end developer for a Japanese digital marketing company. I had my internship for 3 months at Air navigation Indonesia. I am a telecommunication engineer and after graduating I worked for some giant telco vendors like NSN, Ericcson and Huawei Tech. It’s not too bad for a fresh graduate. I moved 3 times to another company for an improved position and salary.

I worked 2 years as an employee after my graduation. Then i decided to start my own business.
People said it is too early. I responded full confidence, for me it is the right time to start.

I also like traveling a lot. I prefer to go alone or to travel with my brother. But traveling with a boyfriend is not a bad idea either. I like to learn and experience new things in new places with new people, it was and will be so much fun.

I’ve been struggling with my life since my dad died when i was very young and needed him the most. He died of the consequences of throat cancer. You know my dad was a very brilliant person. There was never at all anything he couldn’t solve, when he still alive i grew up with all the best my parents could gave me, I adore him more than anyone else in this world. I am convinced the world need people like him. He was a politician and businessman that time. He had all the character trait and skills to be a good trustworthy politician.

He took good care of himself. He lived a very healthy lifestyle, no smoking, no alcohol and always eat healthy. Sounds perfect, right?
So I asked myself and the world, why him? Why my dad. Why not somebody else, less loved less cared for, less noble. I know it’s unfair to think like this. But I was just a little girl, I really could not help myself. I was used to wake up after a bad dream and be comforted by mom and dad and find the world is still in one piece. Now I sometimes dreamed about the time my dad was still alive and woke up in the nightmare of my life. Scattered and broken.

After my dad died, my life changed totally. Our family business went bankrupt. All property was sold, the only thing left was our house. My mom was very busy and at that time I hated my mom. I can’t even explain why, there was just so much anger inside of me. We had no money anymore, no birthday celebrations, no celebrations at all. It was so painful, I felt it I think as a signal of unimportance, birthdays or myself did not matter anymore. I could not deal it till the moment I promised myself to forget all celebrations, it still works for me. But yes, it hurts my mom and my brother, they really deserve better, I realize very well. It’s just still very hard.

Affection sneaked away, out of my life. We don’t say “I love you” anymore, we don’t hug and kiss, we barely expressed our love. I thought my mom was very tough on me. I hated my mom, I hated my school. My school was no longer a good and popular school, like I had before. We couldn’t effort a good school anymore, we were very poor. I hated my friends, I hated my life. my adolescence was a total mess. I became a different person, I liked to stay away from people, I barely talked to people. I felt so much pain, ungrateful, anxiety and suffering a massive self-hate.

My only option was to stay strong. Living in a country like Indonesia doesn’t offer many options if you are poor. No matter how brilliant you are. I admit, at first I was not strong at all. I was just acting strong. Covering all the pain and weakness inside me. I wouldn’t allow anyone to pity me. I still won’t let anyone take the first rank in class. Even if I had again skipped classes or slept during classes. My mom had to face the principal for that more times. He said that if I wasn’t this smart, they would have send me away from school. I didn’t care anyhow. Then, I remember one sleepless night where I told myself; “ I lost my dad but i still have my own talent, I am worthwhile making it work and I don’t want to spend my life in a pool of negativity as in a dark hole. I want to make my dad proud of me.” It was like a wakeup call. I need to be strong to survive, and then I realized, I AM STRONG.

There was a boy as well who always there for me, he was my classmate when in junior high, before my dad died. He is Always loyal to me till the current day. He been like a rock in stormy weather. Could an can always count on him, I truly love him, my best friend ever.

If you are the beloved daughter of your dad, you perhaps understand how I feel. Even until now I still miss him dearly. I wish he was here with me, caring me, laugh with me. Give me some money so I don’t need to work so hard. Dad, I miss you, can you feel that? Sometimes I really want to be dependent to you, just to know how it feels. Dad, did you know that I have been so tired and I almost gave up trying to be independent too early? Dad, I know you laugh at me. Because you just realized that your daughter is still your spoiled little princess. No matter if all the world see me as a strong woman, I will always be your spoiled careless little girl.

but now I am trying to be a better and a more humble person. I learned to be a compassionated person. Maybe because i know how lost feels. I learned to give to those that need help. I feel heartbroken when I see so many wasted talents because of the deep-rooted and ingrained poverty here. So many people don’t have much options, sometimes not even an option at all.

And i have just started my own business it is still a small business. To be very honest, I am obsessed to become rich. Not for myself but to enable me to help others, making a change for the good in peoples life. Meanwhile I’m happy to experience the ups and downs in my business career and my love life. I earn enough money and everything become better. I live in peace with my mom and my life.

But I don’t live in peace with the loss of my dad. I still hope to find it was just a long nightmare and somebody will wake me up, Finding my dad beside me. Kissing and hugging me. We are dancing and singing together like when I was a child. He would tell me to focus my dreams and caring all the rest for me. Satisfying my needs. We talk about me becoming a doctor and he will build a hospital for me. To help the people, the care will be free for those that can’t effort. We talk about me becoming a teacher and he will build a school for me. To help the people, the lessons will be free for those that can’t effort. We promised that we will fight together. Fight against a bad and unfair system. We will make a better place together. That’s what we agreed…….me and my dad.

So please, someone, wake me up from this nightmare. You know now why I can’t miss my daddy, the world and I need him.