Hello, fellow Steemiters,

This is actually my third time blogging. I was told by my son that blogging can have a therapeutic effect on my depression, so after thinking for 2 days, I've decided to join. My name is Safinaz and you can call me Fina. I was born in Thailand, most of my families are staying over there but when I got married in 1991, I have been staying in Malaysia for more than 25 years. I've attained my citizenship in 2005 and right now, I'm a proud Malaysian. In my spare time, I love to cook but since most of my children were not at home, I rarely cook. My eldest child currently studying in Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, my second child is in Universiti Teknikal Malaysia Melaka, my third child is currently waiting for SPM result while the last one, is only 3 years old. I love them all equally. They are the most precious things that I have.

The World In Black

In 1991, when I was brought to Malaysia by my husband, we were poor. We couldn't even afford to rent a house but one of my friend who works in Balakong was willing to rent a room for us. It is hard, we even bought 1 food for each meal, and then share it between us (husband and wife). Even though we don't have anything during that time, I was happy. My first husband was supportive. He worked really hard, and when I was pregnant with our first child, I was working in a restaurant as a chef. After 9 months, our first child (son) was born. A few weeks after he was born, my husband got a job in Selayang, in which we moved to Bukit Idaman as soon as we get the confirmation. He was happy and we lived there for 20 years. In 2012, conflicts arise between us. We constantly fighting and everything doesn't seem right. He decided to divorce me and then he left. For 20 years, we have been living moderately, and after he left, I thought I lose everything. I have 3 children during that time and all of them were working to support our lives.

When I met my second husband, I was happy for awhile. I was in conflict whether or not to give it a try. We got married after 6 months knowing each other and it was a bad step. It has been 3 years into our marriage, my 4th child was born 3 years ago and recently I was constantly abused, mentally and sometimes physically. My eldest child recommends asking for a divorce and he wants me to come to Kuala Lumpur so that he could take care of me. I was struck with a severe depression and sometimes the thought to commit suicide came. I felt so unlucky. Last year, after years of withstanding all of the hurdles that came to antagonize me, I collapsed. I was admitted to the hospital and was diagnosed to have hypertensive cardiomyopathy which is caused by chronic hypertension. It was hard and I felt like giving up. The reason why I didn't is that I was worried that I will disappoint my children. They have a lot of potentials to succeed and I don't want them to be haunted by the foolishness of a suicidal mother. So until now, I've been gathering my strength and my willpower to keep on living.

My second and third children

It's getting warm bright again

Since last month, my eldest child brought me a lot of books for me to read during my free time. I love reading. After reading through some of the books, I'm positive again. Yesterday, my eldest child contacted me and he gave me this account. He asked me to write at least once a day so that I could express everything in words. That's how I end up writing this post. I have lots of bad experiences that I've been through in the past and now I'm still standing. In this platform, I will write about anything and everything that I would like to express. I've never tried blogging before, but once, writing a diary did help me. So I guess, writing here would have the same benefit plus a few. It's been awhile since the last time, I have been this calm. I hope in the future there will be more exciting things waiting for me. I want to feel alive again. I would like to smile for a happy reason instead of smiling to hide my sadness. I would like to see my children succeed in anything they are currently doing. I want to feel how its like to be free again. At least, before I die.