Parents Behaving Badly - Nothing in early life affects us as deeply as our parents' behavior.

  You’re not your parents’ favorite child - or maybe you are - but you already knew that, didn’t you?

 

  Much to their parent’s consternation, siblings are keenly aware which child among them was selected. There are a multitude of reasons why parents choose one over others, with their reasoning ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous; from deeply emotional, well-intentioned altruism to equally absurd vanity and superficiality. However predetermined, their choices invariably has far reaching and often dire and long-lasting consequences.    

   Preference got me to thinking. Is parental partiality rooted in nature, or is it nurtured? Does the selection serve biological or psychological purposes? Upon considerable reflection, I’m inclined to believe it’s probably a little of the former and a whole lot of the latter.

  If you believe parents, they’re impartial arbitrators, sharing their love and attention equally with all of their children. In reality, this isn’t true. If you’re old enough to read this rant, you know there’s no friggin’ Santa Claus, O.J. did it, and the check is not in the mail.

  You know your parent’s favorite child has benefited inordinately, and, as a result; to get over it you may need or may have already drawn on therapy.

  Parents never were, nor will ever be, impartial, a curious and inexplicable, Machiavellian peculiarity. It may be distressing to contemplate, but parents aware of their capacity to create their mini-fiefdoms are beguiled and predisposed to dispense arbitrarily, power over their children. Exercising this authority irresponsibly, to the point of favoring one over others, leads to an assortment of psychological problems, alienation, poor self-esteem and depression.   

  All parents master the art of manipulation. They curry favor and wield influence in various forms with targeted praise and surgical precision; with stifled sighs of disappointment, snide asides, even contemptuous disdain toward the unlucky. They alone are primarily responsible for their children’s sociological and psychological integration into adulthood and civilized society.   

  Lest we forget, ol’ Mom and Dad, long before they decided to procreate and replicate imperfect little clones of themselves had unresolved issues of their own to contend with before they walked down the aisle. Those issues didn’t magically disappear with matrimony. They took on a life of their own, in a new relation-ship and inevitably, with the introduction of children.     

  Throw into the mix a myriad of extenuating circumstances like job satisfaction, mobility, continuing education, money issues, and a troubled marriage and children are no longer innocent bystanders. They become pawns and weapons, enlisted as confidants and allies, utilized to strengthen a feuding partner’s position. This manipulative behavior creates dysfunction and splits relationships among family members.  

  Most siblings never recover. They lead their lives damaged by their parent’s partiality. The unfavored will be forever envious of the chosen one. Their childhood resentment unforgotten.   

  Conversely, the favored children will reap the rewards of privilege, assets, resources, and entitlement extended to them by a biased parent.  The results are a lifetime of grievances and disputes. 

  Case in point: the TV sitcom, The Brady Bunch. (Stay with me.) Through syndication, generations of us followed this typical “American” suburban family and became all too familiar with their exploits. Most everybody remembers an episode in which younger sister Jan reaches her boiling point when older sister Marsha receives, yet again, more favorable treatment. She reacts by stomping and stamping her feet and shrieking, “Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!”    

   Oh, Jan, millions of children all across the country felt your pain. If only your verbal vexation had ended there. Sadly, it doesn’t. Favored children continue throughout their lifetimes to reap the rewards bestowed on them, not surprisingly, unearned. 

  To reverse the trend of perpetual favoritism, we must make a conscious effort not to pass it on to our children and to ensuing generations. 

  We must learn to accept a simple truth: that we, the children, are not at fault for the sins of our parents. We were never in control nor were we capable of mapping out (initially) our destinies. Some of us escaped the baggage of our parents and managed to live productive and happy lives; others have struggled, and some of us, I fear, never will.

  And, yes, I’m well aware that it’s easy to blame parents for some of the shortcomings in our lives, but the reality is parents have a history. Marriage has culture. And between the two, the children were not the adults in the room making the decisions.

  Our parents both guided and put us at risk. To understand ourselves better, we have to come to grips with their motives and reasoning for behaving badly. Acknowledgment of anything less - dooms us to love a snapshot of our parents, rather than a portrait and everlasting memory in our heart.     

  So, are you the favored or unfavored child?

  Are you prepared to confront inequity and privilege and move on with your life, no longer affected by parental partiality?  

  Nothing in early life affects us as deeply as our parents do.  They’re our role models, and we learn to emulate them - sometimes, at our peril. They influence our relationships and shape the people that we become.    

  Better that, as adults, we escape their grip and construct our narratives by deconstructing their narratives about us.   

  Only then can we extricate ourselves from the world of their choosing, and move on to living in our own.   

                              What do you think? Are you the favored or unfavored in your family? 

  Thank you for reading.     

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