That Feeling of Regretting What You Haven't Done

Hello Dear Steemit Family,

I have always had goals, eventually dreams, and intentions into doing some things but I also had a strong feeling of laziness and had an unfortunate habit of not finishing what I started.

There are details in life some people would not easily see, whereas the people who actually suffer from those details, would easily notice. For example; I had been going through a really tough mental process. It was a pure breakdown that almost led me suicide. Approximately 3 years ago I was in Portugal, and I had a Turkish friend there telling me continuously she could suicide etc. I knew she had some problems but it wasn't understandable when she was in a city that she was super happy. I was thinking that she was exaggerating and paying so much attention to her little problems etc. and it sounded almost impossible to me. Because I had also problems and I also had mood swings ups and downs but her situation was in uber levels. Besides that, I had really concentration, memory, creativity problems but I knew I cannot stick with them and become more depressed.

After a year and a half or so, I started to have similar symptoms as my friend and I was in Turkey, had my dad getting diagnosed with cancer, other problems in my life, and I noticed I could not even understand the two people next to me talking to each other, I was not able to focus on anything, my mind was full of fog and I had a confused conscious. I felt useless, I felt like doing nothing creative and helpful, started to have confidential problems and over all I had problems even to be involved in a conversation about something that I am expert about. I was not able to express myself. Doctors told me I have anxiety and it is the thing that gets me like this. But, I knew it was something more than that. I remember waking up with a full unhappiness, and become better in the night or something and come up with the accusation to myself and say come on I am not that bad actually why am I doing this to myself etc and later on just in a moment I got back to the depression and when you feel that way it is like every unresolved detail or every issue you know around you becomes much darker and bigger problems and you feel like you cannot get over it. So she gave me antidepressants and it open up the prospectus, it says, if you're 24 (whichI was) you are more likely to feel worse in the first 2weeks of using this medicine and be more tend to suicide thoughts. After I read it I tried to control myself every day...
It is a life lesson for me after experiencing the same thing with my friend, now I am more sensitive about judgements and more understanding.

So this whole process thwarted me from going forward and nowadays I am feeling like getting better and back, which means I am ready to leave Turkey and settle somewhere new..

Thank you for reading,

See you in the upcoming posts.