Do you still hate me?

Dear Uncle Latif,

I will not say “I hope this finds you well” because I honestly do not care whether it finds you with your head in a bowl of hot soup or your ass on an electric hot plate.

Well, it’s your niece, Amara, the one whose virginity you wanted to confirm, the one you forced to sit on your lap, then shamelessly erected right up her ass, the one whose breasts you wanted to squeeze, to prove that she’d never been with a man but if all these things ring no bell, this one might, it’s Amara, the one whose bed you crawled into at 5.a.m, just before the fajr prayers for a lovers cuddle because you believed you were in love with her.

I am not bitter uncle, maybe I am, maybe I even resent you deeply. Maybe my hatred for you has built up, drop by drop into an ocean of disrespect, a mountain of disgust, sands of nothingness for your cowardly act.

Every passing day, Uncle Latif, I think of you and your filthy hands cruising the curves of my body. Whenever I see any sign of religion, I see hypocrisy covered in a white shroud of angelic appearances. How you never looked anyone in the eye in public, but utilized every unutilized bit of your eye to see through my clothes and my sex to undress me in your head and rape me over and over, how you never let me stay when your guy friends came over because “I am a woman and should not be in the same room as men” unless that man is you, how you condemned me to hell for my photos and for my being not Muslim enough to deserve heaven, but today, I am done thinking of you.

Today, I want to talk about you to the world. I want them to know that you prayed five times a day, maybe even with all the sunnahs, I want to tell them that you listened to Nurdeen Kishki from morning to evening, I want them to know that everyone except me, knows you as a strong believer, a man of faith, a heaven-material even but I long ago, gave up on religion when I discovered the amount of filthy shit within it. I let it go when I realized that every cowardly act was committed behind a veil that was supposed to give hope, reassurance and even consolation, of a power greater than we, mere humans. I gave up on religion when I realized that the layers that coated it were the likes of you.

I don’t know what religion taught you uncle Latif but me, with my faith, I have learnt kindness, love (a little hate for people like you), empathy, happiness, a little sorrow every now and then, conquer battles brought by every new day, make friends and break off from things that pull me back, generally, I have learnt to live and express my life, not behind a religious veil or behind any veil for that matter, like a coward but face everything, look it in the eye and say “it is me against you” and deal with it head on.

I am sorry I refused to ‘marry’ your ‘very religious’ friend. If I hate ‘religious’, you and your big head and cabbage brain can imagine how I feel about ‘very religious’. I appreciate your kind thoughts. “It is your only path to heaven Amara” you said “you will obey him, submit to him and he will provide all you will ever need, just be a good wife” you emphasized. “I am your uncle” you said “if your father died today, I would have the power to sell you off to whoever I want” you threatened “and if I talked to your dad about this great sheikh who would make a good husband for you, he will not say no” you ranted on.

I listened, Uncle Latif, keenly but fearlessly and as much as I was scared of your next action after you confiscated my phone, I said “then you, Latif, have found yourself a great husband, go marry him” I expected you to hit me, honestly, congratulations, you proved me wrong that once. I remember you chuckled but I felt like I under-said. I let a lot go unspoken and you see, that is the problem with the world, it has people like me who have things to say, things that really matter, but don’t say them and the even bigger problem is that, the world has people like you, foolish, brainwashed morons who will never shut up.

I forgive you not, for the disturbing stories but I forgive myself for listening. I may or may not be homophobic but I had no reason to know that you screwed men, married men, as they screwed their wives, what was the reason again? That they could not be turned on by women but needed to make love to their wives and so they hired you? (some shit like that). I did not need to know of your threesomes and your drug use, abuse, use and misuse I have nothing to do with the information you gave me concerning the ‘proud’ girls who would not say ‘hi’ back to you, that you drugged, locked up in a room full of naked men and did whatever the hell you wanted to do with them.

Uncle Latif, that holy month with you felt like more than a decade in hell and now I cannot bring myself to trust anyone the way I should. It is not entirely your fault though, people have a way of fucking things up and it has taught me to keep a safe distance.

More than anything, I wanted to let you know that even with dark characters like you walking around in white kanzus, the world is such a bright place and you need not to shy away from who you are. Self-expression comes in so many ways and instead of hiding behind the shroud of religion and sheltering yourself from the things you really want to do, I would advise you to walk out of your miserable life, meet girls or boys, whichever you prefer, steal a kiss, sip a beer, smoke sheesha or a cigar, or just be a dedicated man of God, without the many ounces of pretence and layers of cover-ups. You only have one life time to get your heart broken, to fix your life, to break a rule, to love truly, to change the world, you see there is so much to accomplish and you can only accomplish so much by living a life that you desire not.

Many people have said fuck-you to norms and traditions and they are the true heroes of the world. God, who I so much believe in, will be sad to see people go to their graves with unfulfilled potentials because they were too afraid to let go of fear and embrace life.

I hope I never see the gates of hell, I also hope I get to feel the wind against my face, I hope I get to see the trees sway, I hope I get to see mother birds teaching their little ones how to fly, I hope I get to sit by a flowing river and ponder on what obstacles it has overcome to keep flowing and I hope I get to make a wish, to keep flowing like the river. I pray that I get to see a child smile every now and then, I hope I get to make someone truly happy, I pray that I get to make the people that matter to me, proud and I hope I get to mother two or three kids, I hope I get to travel the world, I hope I get to take in the scent of flowers, I hope I get to water plants and see them flourish in my backyard.

I hope I get to experience life. I pray to be happy all the days of my life and when sadness strikes, I hope I get to feel the loss, above all, I pray that it teaches me to cherish every second that life blesses me with.

Yours sincerely,
Amara.