First things first! at university your are now on your own. With no curfew, no set family mealtimes, raise your absolute freedom! It has been years of strict schooling.
You were punished for just about anything, including giggling in class. You were suspended for answering back at the teacher. That, right now, is history. Welcome to a world where there is no time keeper to ring the bell for the next lesson. That annoying teacher on duty, who was always on your case to ensure you attended classes is history now.
SWITCH OFF YOUR PHONE WHEN THAT BOTHERSOME COURSEMATE STARTS WORRYING THAT YOU WILL FLUNK BECAUSE YOU MISS LECTURES
At campus, no one in the world cares whether you skip a lecture or not. Yes, you can take even an entire month without stepping into the faculty. So, on a rainy day morning, do pull over the blankets and snore away like there is no tomorrow.
Switch off your phone you see, there are always those bothersome course mates who will most likely Whatsapp, worried to hell that you will flunk. It is none of their business. Make no effort to know which topics were covered in your absence. Do not even photocopy the handouts. You are free to do anything you want, remember?
Ahh, maybe you are scared to hell that there might be a random roll call. Someone might have actually told you that lecturers have this weird habit of passing around sign-in sheets for those who attended class. Look, those sheets really have nothing to do with you. The lecturer only needs them to claim his pay, you see. He can do that without your signature.
Move over to coursework. Why do lecturers assume you have money to print coursework and a dissertation? For crying out loud, the money you pay at the printer could buy you two, three bottles of beer at bar! But you do not have to whine over this.
Make your own rules. Just do not do the coursework! Go catch that cold beer and spend the night in club breaking a sweat.
The next day, you will show up for class with bloodshot eyes. Your head spinning! Why did you control for a day programme, anyway? It is difficult to concentrate on anything the lecturer is saying. You will sit at the back of the class. And, when you cannot contain it any longer, quietly step out and go catch some sleep. If that lecturer tries to ask you a question, give him a piece of your mind. It just might be the shortcut to getting indefinite suspension.
Later in the evening when the hangover is hitting you hard, you can go back to your kafunda and start from where you stopped. Heck, you are a ‘star’ by now. You are making friends fast, some of them corporate. The stench of the beer and smoke hangs in the air. Tonight, it is nothing but good music, karaoke and barbecue. Everyone is having a blast. You dance like there is no tomorrow. Life is good!
FOR A FOOL, THE UNIVERSITY PHASE IS BASICALLY ALL ABOUT HAVING FUN WITH FRIENDS
Life is a vicious cycle with no end in sight; you wake up the following day, groggy as hell from a night of hard partying. Your phone squad just added you to their Whatsapp group. One of the group members is inviting you for a house party over the weekend. You roll over, ready to type out a ‘yes’
While these friends are generous, it should be your turn to pick the bill. Do not worry if you do not have pocket money. You could get a job in a nightclub as an usher or dancer.
There you will live off the handsome tips and leftovers from drunken patrons. By daybreak, you will be too drained to attend class. You could hook a rich sugar mummy or sugar daddy to save you on a rainy day. That comes with strings attached; money in exchange for sex. Not to mention running their errands. They will not listen when your conscience tells you to attend class for at least one time. You are a toy boy/girl. You must do as they please. You must be at the lodge when they call you. Do not be surprised if you find yourself suffering from a sexually transmitted infection.
Meanwhile, that female friend who was always by your side at the bar sends a text to say she is pregnant in the first place and all she needed was money. How much will get out of this mess require more than just divine intervention? In some universities, pregnancy is a crime, and so, if you indeed are a girl in this predicament, you are likely to be discontinued. You cannot break this news to your dad. Look, he just sold his harvest of beans to send your tuition fees. So how do you start? You find yourself alone and frightened.
Even if it were a liberal university, you might fear to turn up with a bump. You worry about friends making fun of you. You are in a difficult situation. You decide to rent a tenement in some slum where no one will see you. Meanwhile your retakes are accumulating. Your colleagues follow the class timetable to the letter. They are preparing for more tests that actually contribute about 20% to the final grade at the end of the semester.
Friends try to seek you out in vain. You have created a believable story – something like having applied for a dead year. You bury yourself in your own small world! Your poor parents are proudly telling all and sundry how they have a son or a daughter at the university. Unknown to them is you have wasted away. They only will discover three years later at graduation that you made a fool of yourself and earned a first class degree in idiocy!