SATIRE|HUMOR
Kicking CoronavirASS
Tips to avoid COVID-19 infection and zombie attacks
Photo by Armin Lotfi on Unsplash
You may be unsurprised to learn avoiding the coronavirus is similar to avoiding infectious zombies. In both cases, you may not know you've been in close contact with an infected person until it is too late. Therefore, the only way to survive is to avoid all human contact. It's going to be a lonely road, but you'll be alive for the ride.
SIX TIPS TO SURVIVE A CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC OR ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
1. Eat only packaged foods.
Fresh produce is likely to kill you. There is no way to determine whether an infected person has come in contact with it. Stay away from grocery stores and order packaged foods online. When each shipment arrives, leave the box unopened for at least six weeks. This may or may not be enough time for any virus germs in the box to die.
2. Sanitize everything.
If you haven't already bought an annual supply of hand sanitizer spray and disposable wipes, you will have to make your own. Every retailer in the U.S. is sold out and importing is both dangerous and expensive. Find a DIY recipe and stock up on the ingredients. When you are lonely, vodka purchased for homemade sanitizer can be mixed into tasty cocktails.
3. Never touch your face.
Never touch your own face or someone else's face under any circumstances. Use extreme self-punishments when you fail to resist and you'll quickly learn to stop the facial molestation. If you are quarantined with young children, there is little hope face touching can be avoided. Who else is going to wipe their boogers? If you do accidentally touch a face, scrub the outer layers of skin off your hands using steel wool (another item you'll want to order online by the case).
4. Become a reading recluse.
You finally have an excuse to stay home and read. All day, every day. Shopping at bookstores will be too risky. Replenish your supply of books by ordering online. Similar to the packaged foods, it will be impossible to tell if there are virus germs in the shipping boxes. Leave the books outside for several weeks before reading.
5. Wear a mask and goggles.
Experts say the benefits of fresh air outweigh the risks of infection if proper precautions are taken. Wearing a mask over your mouth and nose is not enough. Many infections are spread through the eyes. Only open windows or doors when your face mask and goggles are securely in place. Limit outside excursions to five minutes and do not come within sixty feet of another person.
6. Buy toilet paper by the truckload.
Fill your garage, attic, or basement with toilet paper. Hope it lasts until the zombies eat everyone infected with COVID-19 and then die from the virus. Although much is still unknown, experts say coronavirus affects humans, werewolves, zombies, and vampires alike.
*This piece was originally published on Medium.com with my author name, Rachael Ann Sand.