I sit here, at home in the middle of a forest, in the middle of a day, in the middle of a week, with my kids and wife home. Outside my window, in the front of my house, is a strange garden. There are fallen trees cut and arranged in a manner that is reminiscent of a stone henge mixed with a druid shrine, arbors, circular mounds, trellises, and stone spirals interconnect to sketch an elaborately convoluted structure in the landscape. There is no lawn, no curb, no neighbor, no borders. This is my life, my way, I live it with conviction. But it isn’t always easy.
I find it extremely hard to relate to those who’ve followed the path manufactured and configured for them from before the time they were born. It’s a way designed so everyone, regardless of ability, can contribute to the machine we endearingly refer to as country. Hospital, school, work, suburb, car, commute, shop, retire, hospital, die. Sports, sitcoms, movies, news, and ads fill in all the empty spots between. I never went to school, I was homeschooled, I had a short-lived college career and I worked from home the majority of my adult life. Watching professional sports wasn’t a part of my home culture. The “game” was never on in my house. I grew up in what they now define as “inner city” or “urban”. Which means most people around me were black and poor. My mother is white from a small town in PA, my Father was a New York City bred Puerto Rican. Nobody, I mean nobody, homeschooled their kids where I grew up. I was the only white kid wherever I went. As you’re reading this, I’m sure you can tell, there’s little overlap with my life and most American’s. I never felt like I had a culture or a country. I’m not related.
Somewhere in all this mix, I discovered the only thing I can really relate to is earth. It was she who birthed us, she who holds our entire history, she who knows what we are. Everything we call life is just a thin film on top of a deep, great, ancient beast, that spins in an infinite ocean of chemicals, dust, light, darkness, mystery, and force. Our structures are like dominos that the universe can swipe and be done with. A mere hiccup from the earth could lay waste to all of our borders and routes. I stopped identifying with society, and let what I am, begin to manifest: a wild creature, a feral human, unkept and unbound.
Even to me that sounds crazy. Choosing to opt out of normalcy in America is a difficult path. Every single thing is designed to coerce us into a certain mode of thinking and acting. There are so few choices one is allowed to make without falling into the void of publicly agreed upon insanity. Everything has a ruling body that defines what is acceptable and right. If you want to grow a garden, you must send a soil sample to the state university and ask them which products to put in your soil, which seeds to purchase, which products to spray on your plants, and all of this when, where, and how. If you follow all of these things, congratulations, you did it properly like a good little citizen, you can now pride yourself in your large tomatoes which you were told wouldn’t grow without the strict regiment they so graciously provided for you. But you’ll never know if this is true. If you want your children to be educated you must send them to a state governed institution that decides, without consent from the citizens, what is important and not important for your children to learn, what behavior should be rewarded and punished, and the best methods of teaching them. Other countries might do this well, but sorry America, you are miserably failing. High school graduates need to be retaught everything the first two years of college, which is especially convenient since that is two years of paying for education they should have already received for free. But I digress, our world is run by institutions that have much more power than mere law, they decide what is considered sane and insane. They have the controlling power of our culture. They can say the emperor's clothes are exquisite, and we’ll all nod our heads in agreement while seeing him naked.
So I often ask myself, "am I insane for seeing him naked? Does everyone else really see these exquisite clothes they are telling us exist? Am I the one who is unenlightened, mislead, insane?" I periodically have flashes of immense self-doubt and fears of insanity. When you go outside of the institution, you do not have the masses validating your sanity, or the institution’s stamp of approval. I only have my conviction, and there’s nothing especially great about me that would say I’m not susceptible to deeply incorrect and dangerous thinking. Until all of my work has had time to mature, I receive no validation. Each failure, however, is a sharp attack on my way of life and philosophy which make overcoming that failure that much more challenging.
This brings me to my final point, the deepest thing we are taught in school and work is to crave the validation of our authorities and peers. It becomes oxygen to our ego and self-identity. So much so that we form our ego and identity based on what others approve of, and suppress everything that is outside of that small limiting sphere. Only the insane or the insanely brave can overcome this and comfortably live outside of that sphere. And I’m not sure which I am yet. This is my dilemma. Time will tell.
Shameless plug
To read this illustrated in poetic form, the struggle of breaking borders and loosing self identity to escape the pressures of conformity, checkout my Smoke poem
I love this openly raw and so deeply honest share. What a blessing, in my book, that you had the upbringing you did. I feel it gives you supreme "eyes to see" outside of the culture. I grew up in the suburb feeling very out of place and carrying a deep sadness I couldn't explain and didn't understand. It wasn't until college and really a permaculture course where I started to find people who really grasp the situation that you describe.
I think a lot about tribe and belonging and yes we are social creatures to varying degrees. To me, it is just as much about being solid in your own conviction as it is to have people to stand next to you and decry the same things as you AND pick up the garden tool and do the hard work that needs to get done. I need that support and I hope all the people who are different, but walking a good path with clear sight get it too. Again, great share :)
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I'm glad you appreciated this and found value in my honesty. If we can't be honest, than what can we be, right? I'm not a religious man, but I've become increasingly more spiritual since I dropped religion. I do believe there is something in many of us that calls us to return to nature. Maybe it's a genetic predisposition, or maybe some quantum entanglement we don't quite understand yet. But I recall early on in my life feeling that same sadness. I've always felt the call, but I couldn't quite describe or understand it until I moved out here.
I 100% agree this is best lived out with companions and community who share the same cause. Also, there are many folks who are doing great things living in cities and working "jobs." I'm for all Intentional, "woke", communities, wherever they may live, eat, and work.
Well I do not know where to start. I resteemed this for many reasons, mostly I want to read it again and again. You are the voice for so many who have not got the words on how to articulate what so many feel. Many feel this way and they will stay in that world created by those in power. Not because they are stupid or lazy but because they are numb. They are like sheep that jostle about from day to day, work hard for the man, then retire and wonder what the hell was life all about. Some have enough courage to wonder what they are doing and make huge changes. They question our mere existence and question all authority and realize that through a certain amount of effort there are places left to escape to. They are the ones who think outside the box. Is it easy? no way. I played the game in the big city for 58 years. Questioned everything. Always looking for someone to hear what I had to say and hoping that they were on board with my ideas. Such people are few. Lucky for me my spouse was listening. We left the big city and moved to the coast in a rural area, living partially off grid. Learning so much more about ourselves, each other and a new way of living. Thinking outside the box on ways to survive well and finding many more like minded folks here than anywhere else. Non-conformists are wise. Keep on being you..God bless you
Thank you for the encouraging words. There are plenty of people stuck in the system, not of their will, but of necessity. I’m not fully un-entangled from the grind myself. But I continue to grow more independent every day. I’m glad you found a path where you feel connected. Blessings!
Everything you've said resonates with me so much. There's this quote by Nietzche that goes something like, the people dancing were thought to be insane by those who couldn't hear the music. Lunacy is the flip side of enlightenment when people can't see past a single layer of reality. Most people run around with blinkers on, blind to the many layers that exist outside their perspective. Yet, some are there on a leash. I've made a similar decision to live away from the mainstream. It's been a hard path but I'm lucky that I had the support from family and the ability to have a choice in the first place. I'm grateful for that everyday, but there are so many people who are forced to be a cog in the machine because it's the only way they know to survive and support their loved ones.
In general the system may be messed up, but to offer a little optimism, I think a paradigm shift is slowly happening, with more awareness in general. I feel in someways, people attract the energies and people attuned to their mental wavelenghts, and I've also been meeting more people who've been living happy and free lives, doing what they love. A lot of my friends are also working independently or for small startups, being happy and free even within a larger system. You aren't crazy at all, but I guess neither are they because what is craziness but a different view point?
I've found inspiration in all your posts. As I'm just starting this journey, they're very useful to me and I firmly believe you're on a beautiful path in life. Keep doing what you're doing and all the best with the rest of your journey.
That quote from Nietzche is so true. I've just started reading Jung, his theories on the ego, conscious, subconscious, and the shadow are powerful. My intent wasn't to attack the other side at all, I know there are so many trapped in the system for various reasons. The system has a great way of capturing and keeping us dependent on it. But it's the one's that are not aware of their entrapment, who call all those outside of it crazy, who blindly trust authorities, those are the folks, if any, who I was critiquing. I still have a ways to go on my journey. I'm glad to have the opportunity to meet so many others from different walks of life here. It's great to be able to share our experiences collectively and learn and grow from these interconnections and exchanges of life and information. And the fact we are all able to generate income from these connections is still baffling to me. Thank you for your insights friend.
Nietzche and Jung were required reading in our highschool Ethics & Philosophy class. So I can relate to your thoughts, so honestly and directly expressed.
I was never an isolationist, so "running away" was never an option for me and my wife. We feel a connection to our families even if they don't completely share our worldview. They'll come around eventually, heh, it's a process and it has already started.
Community is of a huge importance to us, so we're looking to settle in a small village, regrow the communal bonds that were somewhat broken in the last few decades and create whole new level of interactions. We're also firm believers in the family as a support system. As permaculture teaches us - the more functioning connections, the better.
That said, I also feel at times overwhelmed by the consumerism and the "demands" of society. It's almost impossible to keep your sanity in the current "culture" if you know there's another way.
But I use that as a stimulus. I try to influence more and more people. Little things first, like eat less junk, bigger steps like container gardening, taking kids in the nature more, sourcing from farmers' markets, etc. And I see positive changes happening all the time, so that's optimistic.
I think for us it's important to stay close to a place where our actions will serve as an example and inspiration for many others. Our presence in the local community will influence a good number of people, we hope. Just writing blogposts is nearly not enough, people need a "live" example.
Not sure if the whole issue can be painted black&white, as is the case with the emperor's new clothes. It's more like we're explaining other folks the emperor's clothes are not the only pretty garments out there and they're not quite practical as well. Sure, they're comfortable, but they bring little joy outside of owning them.
So in a way I see ourselves as a "step 1" and your lifestyle as "step 2" in the right direction. We each have our part to play!
This post was really just a journal entry for me. I'm not as much of an isolationist as this may sound. But I do have my bouts. I think, in certain contexts, it can be black and white. I do believe in human communities, and the absolute need for them. But I have a problem with national identity, and state tribalism. We are creatures fit to live in bands of no more than 200 people. When we have institutions controlling millions or billions, disaster happens. That’s when we have massive homogenous cultures, that out of necessity, are dictated and controlled by the large entities that benefit form the predictability.
I have to admit though, I’ve become very cynical over the years. I started off very optimistic, I wanted to build intentional communities, I tried to connect, teach, and reach out to my local community as much as possible. But I was burned or disappointed time and time again. My location makes it really difficult. I’m technically right in town, but it’s a large undeveloped plot on the edge of the city. It’s a poor manufacturing town, and outside of the town are Monsanto farms for miles. It’s a bleak, backwards culture here. So at some point I had to let my hope for deep intentional community, in my immediate area, go. I joined a permaculture meetup that is great, but we’re all spread out, so the distance makes it less of a real community for now.
I admire all those who make it their work to educate and expand people’s minds, but I find myself too intense for most people’s tastes. I guess I’m a bit like Sepp Holzer or Fukoaka, in the sense that maybe one day after my methods have proven themselves, interest will peak and I’ll begin to teach. But right now I’m a mad man in the woods 😁
Every single thing is designed to coerce us into a certain mode of thinking and acting. There are so few choices one is allowed to make without falling into the void of publicly agreed upon insanity
well written, concise, and I agree without exception. I often wish I had been home schooled, or at least given an alternative, instead of being made to endure 25 years of autocratic bureaucracy that stifled every radical impulse. If insanity is defined as doing something the same way and expecting a different result - well let's just say the current way aint workin. and many people are just figuring that out.
Thank you! It took me most of my life before I owned my homeschool background. I felt insecure and left out, embarrassed in some contexts. But now I've come to be proud, and glad, as it has given me some advantages that I'm just now starting to realize and utilize.
I wish for a school system that is democratic, decentralized, and fluid. I have nothing against the idea of public school, just institutionally controlled schools which do not put the children, communities, and future as the priority. I hope one day we'll see this happen, in the meantime, I'm all for homeschooling. I've been seeing a lot more interest in homeschooling by the non religious community. And that's really encouraging. It's not just the far right that's seeing this problem, awareness and self governance is spreading.
Two of my autism spectrum nephews now homeschool for physical and emotional reasons. It's a much more viable alternative with internet availability, and ironically has been done for quite a while up in Canada where communities are much more spread out. Having been through the public school system, I can't help but feel that some learning is better off done away from a social atmosphere, especially when kids are introverted, highly sensitive, or challenged in some way by social situations. Sure, send kids to school for group activities like sports, assemblies, projects, and hands on learning. I always felt that the pressure on kids to look or act a certain way to be an unhealthy factor in a learning environment. There is too much attempt at control over what is taught, especially with history and science.
It is very difficult to live in this environment. After that and that you came to survive is enough. @theferalone
Love that "crave the validation of our authorities and peers" but so true and it takes me a lifetime to learn the difference. Thanks
You write well. I hope you settle into some kind of existence that works for you soon.
Thank you. I’m finding my groove. Ups and downs of life, you know? It’s been a rough year, but I’m happy where I’m at, and hopeful for where I’m heading.
Took the words right out of my mouth... well kinda. I am breaking the bounds and trying to bring as many as I can with me. I was bought up in the ideal society or so I was taught, now I know it could not have been more fake. At nearly 40 I am still trying to undo the damage done. But nearly there :)
We are all seeking with this new knowledge but it will work out right for me and you because we are on the right path :)
Well said my friend. You are some of the first fruits of the homeschooling trend that started about 25 years or so ago. You are listening to the inner voice. Even people in the system who listen to the inner voice are more free then those who do not and blindly follow everything their perceived authorities tell them.
Sounds like you had some great parents to home school you in the environment you grew up in. They sensed something wrong with the system and wanted to minimize its effect on you the best they could.
We home schooled our children too for this reason. It can be difficult. I envy you in many ways at the same time I know it can be difficult to live outside the system even partially. I was caught up in fighting the government in the courts and through so called legal and lawful declarations etc. It got me no where. That beast is to powerful due to the majority conforming to it. I came to the conclusion that it was best to avoid it where possible and go along as little or minimal as possible to keep it from destroying me and my family where it was impossible to avoid.
I have friends doing similar to me who did jail time to force them to conform to non-laws just made up as they went. Many of them are bitter and angry. I did not want to end up that way. Sometimes you have to plow with the horses you have till you can upgrade.
If I was younger I might live similarly to you, I still do not conform where ever I can get away with it. However I now evaluate if it really matters since I know the truth. But do not let it eat me up. I look for the good in all things now. There is a lesson in everything. You're either winning or learning I say.
Bottom line is everything is within. I am free from this beast of authority because I no longer blindly follow it even though sometimes it forces me. The more that do that and eventually society will reflect that and change. It's to slow but it will happen eventually.
Keep doing what your doing and following the inner voice my friend!
"I periodically have flashes of immense self-doubt and fears of insanity. When you go outside of the institution, you do not have the masses validating your sanity, or the institution’s stamp of approval. I only have my conviction, and there’s nothing especially great about me that would say I’m not susceptible to deeply incorrect and dangerous thinking. "
Golden! Like, I relate so much haha. Luckily I have a good community of rebels. British columbia is great for that, although there are a lot of rich people and other people there is a huge population of people who think outside the box. Iv never been elsewhere so I dont have much to compare it too however.
The feral one, very Dionysian. Keep up the good work and the wildness!!! <3