Repeat To Repair - Frozen In A Trauma Response

The Compulsion To Repeat The Familiar has taken over the full control of our mind. Our conscious mind got pushed the fuck aside - our subconscious made it to the front row. Slowly but surely, self-sabotage has managed to stole the show.

The broken inner child in us only knows how to dance to the tragic soundtrack of our childhood. The thought of losing that familiarity terrifies the living heck out of him - even if that familiarity rhymes to the beat of emotional torture. Unequipped to face the trauma trapped in the deepest ends of our adult souls, we find ourselves repeating the dysfunction gently handed to us by our family of origin.

The more we repeat, the more it hurts - and the wounded child in us can’t help but beg for more. Cutting ties with our faulty internal working model comes at too high of a cost - the cost of losing the only grip we have on our story. By refusing to do so, we paradoxically end up paying a much higher price - the one of never becoming free from our trauma.

Our broken inner child is desperate to create a different ending to his childhood story - yet he has no idea how to reach his aim. He repeats his childhood pain thinking that enough repetition will lead to reparation. Worse, he sometimes decides to switch up the roles of the characters from the initial story - from abused to abuser, the broken child in us does to others the hurt that has been done to him. He takes the control that has been taken from him and now uses it to control the ones close to him.

We’re moving backwards even though we’re running as fast as we can from our childhood trauma. This can be explained by the fact that we are running in the wrong direction - away from ourselves. By pushing further down the pain sitting in us, we make sure it never leaves our bodies.