Everything Falls Apart!

It will be a rough journey when you are in a continuous state of conflict with yourself and your loved ones. No matter how much you want to have a healthy life and relationship, conflicts will not allow you peace. To eradicate this situation, we need to go to the root.

Where is the root? What is the main point that caused all this havoc? Or there is a chain of events that is behind all this chaos?

Do you guys believe that the environment can have a great impact on your life? I know it does. Well, maybe I am a weak person who can easily be distracted by everything around me, but when not a single day is just normal, I just cannot take it!

Trying to fulfill other's dreams, sacrificing own wishes, yet failing to make any dream come true, becoming a villain in everyone's story! Can this be called a healthy life? I guess not!

After completing graduation where almost all went to jobs, I was told to pursue an M.Sc. When I did not wish to pursue it, I wanted to join a job or prepare for a government job. But was told to go for an M.Sc. and take preparation for a government job. The thing that I could not comprehend was the need for the M.Sc. if I were to pursue a government job.

As most of the government jobs are not related to my field. So, what will I do with the M.Sc. degree? I wished to study Human Resources Management or get an MBA. But no, those are not any options!

Somehow managed to complete the M.Sc. In the meantime faced COVID-19. Then the current chaotic situations in the country. Reaching almost 30 which is the limit to sit for a government job. Still no luck.

My confidence which I lost almost a decade ago is yet to be found! Every day it seems like going further below! All I ever wanted a mental peace. I am starting to think that ain't going to happen.

Recent things felt like the final nail in the coffin. After that, I lost any will to dream or hope for living. I fantasize about death, I like to create scenarios of death. But at the moment, I am having self-harming thoughts, and those are vivid and scary!

Have taken several online tests to find out about my mental state. All show signs of depression, anxiety, multiple personality disorder even schizophrenia!

I know, I lack the courage to cross the line, but who knows, when everything is falling apart, I might be able to pull the trigger!

Sorry for bothering you with some nonsense talks! But I feel like I will explode if I do not let some things out! Some people suggested that I should start taking counseling. I know, the current state is the worst and I think I might just need to do it!