Pain

(IMAGE SOURCE: thrive-magazine.co.uk)

What happens to voicing out your thoughts? What happens to ''avoid piling things up in your heart and just say something about it to get it off your chest? Motivational speakers often say these things right? But never have I seen it work for me. The least I could expect was to be disowned by a mother I called mine, only because I wasn't pleased with how she treated me. In her words, ''I don't have anything to do with you again, you're big enough to cater for yourself, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN (on a maxi repeat). My world was in two bits because I could never fathom to hear such words spill from her. Well, pardon me because I couldn't find a sugar coated word as a title, so I had to just use the exact thing I'm feeling.

What is it about having money that makes people mad? Mad in the sense that they can't think rightly again or did God make a mistake by making certain people rich? I just have alot of painful questions to ask but my hands aren't moving just as fast. All I wanted was to have a mother-daughter bond that's all. That bond I see in mothers and daughters who looked more like they are of the same age. Bond much deeper than the '' oh she's just a woman that bore me type''. I hated the way she compared me with other girls perceived to be out of my league in the most despiteful way ever. She wouldn't even care if I felt pained at all; she just talked. Any time I reprimand her mistakes, she yelled even more. And now I am back to college with no money and all but she doesn't even care. Possibly don't care how I might try to help myself out, legally or illegally. I am being kicked out emotionally.

What ever happens to seeing your offspring as the mini you, your second half, you carbon copy? What just happens with looking beyond the provisions you claim to offer and trying to meet with the emotional and mental needs of the child? Or you just think that such things would give me answers to why a part of my breast hurts while menstruating and what I should say and do to a guy I like so much but don't really know how to go about it, thus trying to avoid laying on his bed because my hormones are always flaring up every now and then. Hence, not allowing my feelings loud my head? Oh, there's the YouTube, friends and all but I want my mother! That's why she was called mine in the first place. Or is that too much of a thing to ask? Well, I guess it is! But its ok. I will just grow to live the fact that not all were blessed with the blissful childhood life. I would just have to navigate through life myself and try to avoid mistakes for myself and not to live to her expectations anymore. Eagerly tempted to write because she's not worth it; but I won't. She is. God knows I love her, but with pains and subtle regrets; but its fine.
Uc.