Doubts, Growth And Change

Have faith. I tell myself these words everyday. Have faith Aishlinn, that all will be well. I say it to others as well. And yet it has been testing at times. This faith, I have, that the universe will treat me well, as long as I treat her well. As long as I am contributing in my own way. The doubts wander in though. Self doubts, like, am I really doing enough, am I deserving enough.

I'm so stubborn, when it comes to my values, to my beliefs. I feel things so strongly and I want nothing more, than to try and make a difference in this life time. However small that may be. I'm a big believer in creating small ripples. From greeting people I meet on a day to day basis with a smile, to taking the time to ask others how they are and listening to them.

Listening is so important.

Learning how to listen, to ourselves, to others, to our environment. To understand that doubt has it's place, it's an opportunity to reassess. To revalue, what it is we really want in life. Instead of settling for what we think we deserve. This is something I have been actively working on.

This blockage that I have, that brings on the self doubt and can even sabotage what I am trying to achieve. The procrastination. I am a sucker for procrastinating. I'm very good at putting things off, because in my mind, they are far more complicated, when really they are not. I'm so good, at talking myself out of things, because how possibly could I do it, when thee are others who have far more experience. And yet, I have more than enough experience, to achieve what it is I desire. I know it, but yet the blockage remains.

Knowing about it and taking the steps to change it, are two different things. I have to learn to rewire the way in which I react, the way in which my brain automatically begins to work. I have my mantras that I say, you know how that saying goes, the more you tell yourself something, the more you believe it. Well, here's hoping that works, cos I have been talking to myself everyday, working on changing my mindset. Because really, I do have faith. It just gets buried beneath that mountain of doubt, that surfaces at times.

And then, there is the little thing, of self identity. Change is inevitable, I know that. There is this lingering thought, that perhaps if I change my mindset, in order to get a little upgrade, then how much of that, will change me. Will change who I am. It's not like I desire a lot, mostly it's to meet the needs of my girls. Pretty basic stuff really, a bathroom is the main one, some privacy for them and me. Which means, a larger living space. Something the truck no longer offers us. Part of my resistance, is the identity that comes with living as I do, so minimally. That has been my choice. Not my daughters though.

But in saying that, I am ready now for change, for more space for me and my girls to blossom.

(All photos used in this post are mine.)