Only Half Here

One foot in and one foot out, or, as I was reminded by a close friend last night, it’s like standing at a window watching. Long deep conversation, a five hour call that went zooming by like a fifteen minute chat. I’m not one for being on voice calls, side effects from call centre days, two hundred calls a day. Avoid the phone, text only please unless emergency.

I make exceptions of course, but I’m very selective about when and who. I have to be in the mood to be tied to a line, totally my issue. Last night was one enormous exception, especially due to length of time. I’ve never had a five hour plus call with anyone, not ever. We had many things to share and compare way down at the bottom of the ocean depths. Text would never have cut it in the thick of it.

The last couple months I’ve not been around on Hive much. I’ve left people hanging for responses to comments during some of that, not something I typically do. It’s not what I want; I’d rather be around more. Hive is a fun place in many ways and I enjoy the conversations I have with others. Life though, has been pressing in on me more tightly than ever with demands to attend to what I must take care of. Get a move on now, quit with my procrastination, and accept what is, hence the redirection of my focus to care of business I’ve been ignoring.

Focus and motivation are flagging........not for Hive, for life in this world the way it is. How can I plan anything, pursue ideas, dreams, or commit time and energy in any outward directions when it’s all imploding? I’d love to say my observations are that this has been happening only during the last two years, but no, I noticed the implosion acutely back in 2006. At that time though, I was deep in the process of healing and was disabled, among other challenges. I didn’t have time to explore what I was observing around me.

Flash forward to 2010, another upheaval came winging in giving me a spin, sending my path in another direction. While I’m catching my breath, working with that, half a world away in 2011, an event occurred that blew up my world like a nuclear explosion. At that time I went exploring, some outward deep diving trying to make sense, trying to find explanations pertaining to that event.

What I discovered through three years of digging was a web of threads so complex and insidious that it permanently altered my perception of this world. I realized then that nothing is what it appears to be. What now? I panicked. I went off the deep end a bit while the world tilted, a dizzying vertigo spin. My mind went hamster crazy searching for ways to prepare, attempting to cover all contingencies (that’s impossible, by the way).At about the three and half year mark, I pulled myself out of those threads, settling on the best use of my time and energy. I stopped looking outwards at that web. It was not serving me. I had enough answers. Without my conscious awareness, I was prepped for what came next during 2013 and 2014. Have you ever climbed a metaphorical mountain, reached the summit and thought you’ve made it, now you can chill out, all downhill from here? The mountains don’t end, there’s always another to climb.

In 2013, everyone disappeared from my life, at a time when I was experiencing the loss of many things. Circumstances coalesced all at once, leaving me alone and isolated for over a year. I was lost. I had no sense of what direction to take, what I wanted to do, and who I was. Walking eyes wide open in complete darkness. I turned inwards, kept my gaze focused there and dove deep. I wrestled with the enemy inside. Ferocious internal war.

This went on for well over a year until I hit bottom, seeing the one obstacle, the one internal belief that I’d been clinging to since I was a child. I was refusing to let go. I needed control. Holding tight to that belief gave me the illusion of control.

Tug of war back and forth, like trying to prize a bone from the jaws of a wild carnivore. Struggling wore me out. I finally asked myself, can I let go? Why am I clinging to this? Can I let go of this belief? Can I trust? I took a running leap and jumped off the cliff. I had nothing left to lose. I’d either die or fly.

The moment I jumped, it was like an explosion of light that obliterated the darkness, lifting me up instantly out of the void I’d been blindly fumbling in. The clarity in that moment was another blinding, burning all illusions to the ground, shredding the curtain in one fell swoop. Freedom. Freed from my self-imposed mind cage. After, felt like a babe in the woods, tender, had to learn a new way of walking after crossing that bridge. Laundry time, internal housecleaning of yet more pre-programmed garbage, step by step since 2014. Ongoing until I’m dust, until I’m gone.

I’ve avoided going into details about my experience in 2014 for a reason. It was a personal journey where the leaves are rather irrelevant and will only cause confusion for many. Each must walk their own path, learn to trust their inner guidance, discover what they truly are, awaken to their full potential, empower themselves, and discard the leaves along the way.

The discussion with my friend last night was free flowing about topics most run from, at least in both of our experiences of others. I’m not talking about theory thinking here, so forget that. If they don’t run from this sort of discussion, the “crazy” label is applied. I’ve had the gamut of such labels applied to me. Not that I care, I just find it tiresome. I withdraw my time, attention, and energy, as is my usual response to what I consider nonsense.

There is no point in digressing into such topics with those who have stoutly walled up against openness. It saddens me to see many refuse a deeper exploration of who they are, what life here is, what the purpose/meaning of existence is, and what being human is really about. It’s a short sell experience of life to avoid such explorations.

Is life here just day to day playing all these roles, enjoying temporary trinkets of distraction, still getting zero traction? I mean, is this world a garden of earthly delights that you’re dying with excitement at the thrillhouse thought of jetting out of bed each day to bounce in happy dance prance without a rant? I hear complaints about a bazillion things every day. I’ve done plenty complaining myself, mostly years ago, until I stepped into taking full responsibility for myself, my life, and charting my own course with zero remorse.

So yeah, I’m not going to digress into the content of last night’s conversation. It would freak you all out. I don’t need the drama mama, got enough on my plate to skate. Those of you who know me or catch the seeds I drop in all my posts will cotton on to that of which I speak. If you ask me more on this score, I’ll gently guide you to direct your gaze inwards, tune in to your inner guide, and trust your intuition.

I don’t have answers for you, but you have all the answers yourself, if only you decide to go in, look, and empower yourself. The rally cry I hear for freedom these days is becoming thunderous. I’m chuckling as I watch through the window because freedom is not in something outside of you. Real freedom, lasting freedom, is to be found only within. When you connect to that, you become truly free. For all those who can see and hear, it is time to free yourself.The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come
_{Florence & The Machine - The Dog Days Are Over}This post is dedicated to @aagabriel, @ailindigo, @clayboyn, @mondoshawan and @elgeko. All of you have inspired me for months by being authentic, being open, and teaching me in each of your own ways just by being yourselves. Thank you._{All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera.}