Saying Goodbye

Monday, July 4, was the most challenging day of my life. A day that I dreaded would come, and one that I pushed back deep into the far depths of my mind for the longest time I possibly could. No matter how bad things got over the last few months, I constantly told myself that, while time was increasingly limited, this friend of mine would forever be by my side. A friend that I have spent well over a decade with, and reaching into almost every single day for that duration, never really spending significant periods of time apart, never really venturing too far away. This friend of mine I named Myah. She hated the times in which I did go somewhere as much I hated going. There was only ever one time where I did go for quite a long duration of time, and both of us changed. I returned for her, and never left again; only for our friendship to grow stronger as a result.

100% of this post's rewards will go to the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) which helps save and rehome animals.

Myah was an interesting dog. One that never really changed over the decade that she was with me. Even physically, her features remained very much youthful, only recently starting to catch a more grey tone to her coat, still almost near identical to her days as a puppy. I loved this about her, because this feature in her seemed so unique. I have never seen a dog age so gracefully, with such youth to the face, with so much character to it that it made her forever stand out to other dogs. She had these four little spots on her cheeks that were symmetrical, met with one directly in the middle under her jaw. An overly white portion of coat as a result of her mother being an entirely white German Shepherd.

As a puppy, Myah was incredibly intelligent. One of my earliest connections with her was noticing how active she was with her paws, constantly tapping you with them. Finding this adorable and funny, I quickly associated this act with a 'high five'. To which, whenever I would put my hand out, she would high five it. Soon after, I noticed just how vocal of a dog she was, forever skipping around the house and opening doors with her nose, letting out these little barks; our next little connection was teaching Myah to speak: she would bark whenever you asked her to. Making her incredibly excited and playful in the process. These two things never really changed, she always kept this playful nature about her.

Part of her refusal to grow up was met with a state of curiosity for the world that never went. A curiosity that soon reached into me, changing me and making me more curious about the world merely from spending time observing Myah throughout the day. Just watching how she interacted with the world and her surroundings -- one of the last pictures I took of her was her sniffing a flower. A few weeks ago I caught her in the garden next to a hedgehog, completely unharmed of course. I would spend my mornings just watching her from the kitchen window, as she would sit right where the grass began and watched the birds that flew in and around the garden. Occasionally taking not of various scents as her nose waved around the air. Other times, she would go under a small tree and bush, which became her own little den that nobody else ever went into. A corner of the garden that gave her shade, and full view of everything and everyone.

This was no surprise, though. Myah prioritised comfort in the strangest ways. She would forever find the strangest ways to make herself comfortable, even if it didn't make much sense. Resting her head wherever she could, even if she was standing, or sitting. She would always try to get up to the sofa or my bed, of which was always incredibly difficult to say no to. Even recently, I still would let her on them, only for my mother to question how Myah got on there, or how so much of her fur got on there over night. We were pretty sneaky about it, sneaking her on and then she would quickly jump off when she heard my mother coming; or she would just accept what was coming and stay still, if not getting more comfortable and showing those little eyes a bit more.

I never could say no to her. Myah had the cutest look to her and she absolutely knew when to take advantage of it. Despite being so perfect and well-behaved, if she ever did something "wrong", she knew it, and would run up to you, only to bury her head into you, laying on you and getting all affectionate, to cuddle up to you as her way of saying sorry. But of course, she never really did do anything wrong; all she ever did was right. Constantly running into my room to check up on me throughout the day. Waking me up in the morning by running into my room and sitting right by my bed, often falling asleep there herself. We spent so much of our time together just directly next to each other, forever within an arm's reach, allowing me to stroke her soft fur and tell her how much I love her.

She would come and sit right by me, tucking herself under my arm, just sitting there as I had no choice but to stop whatever I was doing and give her my full attention. I never minded this. I loved it. She was always wanting affection, and she never had enough of it. And I could never have enough of her. She brightened up my mood instantly, always making me forget the things that plagued my mind, always encouraging me to be happy and energetic just like her. I could not help but act all stupid and excited around her, every time I saw her. To roam the house in search of her, saying her name. Telling her good morning every day, followed by a plethora of hugs and kisses. Only to repeat this process throughout the day, switching to a good night.

I was never really that idle with her around. If I ever had something to do, it would take me forever to do it because I had the constant urge to just get up and go and see her, which I did. Only to be greeted with those little eyes and paw movements clearly requesting a hug, or more kisses. I would tell Myah I loved her countless times every day. I would tell her how beautiful and cute she was. I really tried to make sure she knew it, because it was the truth. She was the sweetest thing, so fragile and innocent, and just looking at her would often bring me close to tears.

In my insomiac days, me and Myah would get up super early together and go on a little adventure to watch the sunrise together. We would venture out into the countryside, even if it was incredibly muddy or with heavy rain. Neither of us minded. Myah would jump and run into puddles, and I would have no choice but to follow. But if you asked her if she wanted to go outside in the garden during the rain, she'd make it very clear that it was a big no!

We would find a spot somewhere empty and watch as the colours shifted, the warmth of the sun starting to greet the damp. After, we could continue our adventure in the direction of home. Over the years, the sunrises became sunsets; we watched both often, even from the garden together. We would sit next to each other for long periods of time, and I'd sit and observe the very things that caught her attention, together, in silence.

Walking Myah was not an easy task, though. Due to her curious and overly energetic nature, she would often run off the moment something caught her eye. I would spend moments sprinting after her to catch up as she darted off through a field -- sometimes the only visible part of her being those two ears bouncing above the crops. An area that Myah loved in particular was a nearby woods. An area that she just knew the directions to no matter what, and would forever pull towards that direction. A place that allowed her senses to become overwhelmed, with a stream that would sing the tune of constant but gentle motion.

Myah was very different to other dogs. She wasn't very social, and was certainly very fragile. I couldn't help but develop such a protective stance over her as a result. One time, in the woods, she heard and saw a deer, she sprinted off within a fraction of a second, nowhere to be seen. I ran as fast as I could in that direction, but could not find her. In that brief moment without her, I realised how strong of a bond I had with her. She soon returned back to me like nothing happened.

Despite loving her comfort, Myah still liked to have her own space and area to her own. It was not every night that she would lay on my bed, and if she did, it was never for too long unless she had all of the space and access to the pillows -- yes, she would actually leave if she didn't get pillow access. There were often times where she would fall asleep on my bed and I didn't have the heart to wake her up or move her so I could get into bed, so I would stay at my desk and hear her gentle breathing and snoring. She made the cutest little noises, the funniest yawns and barks and groans in attempt to get more comfortable.

One night I will never forget, however, was the first night ever that she fully decided to stay with me. We fell asleep together with Myah curled up into my side. In the morning, all I had was this little head right by mine, with the rest of her tucked into such a small ball. I loved that morning so much that neither of us moved for a few hours, and just stayed there together. It was always more evident that Myah had a slightly stronger bond with me than the rest of my family -- though I must state that she was a dog that loved everyone and could be near anyone happily -- but she would always run to me and spend the most time with me.

It was only after that night that I truly felt the trust that she had in me, and the true extent of her innocent, caring nature. So small, so soft, so fragile, and so sweet. We had such a strong connection before, but never had she decided to stay with someone the entire night.

She had these very human actions and expressions sometimes. Ones that were so specific to particular events, to the point where a sticker pack on Telegram was even made. The two above images were taken recently on different dates. One during a delivery, another during a storm. She would curl her head around the corner to get a little peek, with the face of concern. Whenever I saw that face, I couldn't help but go up to her and place her into my arms, to assure her that things were fine and wait for things to calm down. She also hated when the trash would be taken away, the noise would result in her sprinting into my room and diving on my bed; I would cuddle her until they left and she calmed down, often surprising her with little treats to help. She was too fragile for loud noises.

The day we got Myah, I held her on my lap during the car ride back to my grandmothers, and then for the duration home from Wales back to England. On the way back to my grandmothers, Myah threw up on me. I think that event was the moment that the two of us established our little connection. The event were trust was initiated. I didn't care on bit that I had to sit with dog sick on me, I was just in love with this little ball of fur that seemed so frightened and in need of protection. To be loved and made happy at all times.

I would like to think that I succeeded. I would like to think that Myah had the life she wanted with me, as I certainly had the one I wanted with her. My heart is shattered into the thousands of pieces of memories featuring Myah now. Smiling and crying as I look back at how amazing of a friend she was, and how I could've happily spent the rest of my life with her by my side. To sit out together in the night and look up at the stars and watch as meteors flew over with a glisten to them that lit up the darkness. A perfect metaphor of Myah herself to me. She impacted me so much, saving me, changing me and turning me into someone that knows not to take things too seriously, and to watch the little things in life and enjoy them. To be silly and comfortable, loving to all.

I hate that Myah is now gone. I have no idea how to progress and go foreward without seeing that little face greeting me throughout my day. Forever reminding me to smile and be energetic, to make her happy and see that little face of hers light up with life. Part of my soul is gone with her. Things will never be the same. We grew up together.

I'll never forget that friend. A friend that changed me for the better. That looked at the world with such innocence and curiosity. Always observing, always loving, and always seeking new ways of comfort. With so much life and character, always by my side.

On July 4, Myah left this world in the only way I believe made sense. A way similar to how we met. She went under my arm, with her head resting on my leg as she usually did.

Goodbye, Myah.