Have you ever felt so much sadness because of the person you want to see but can't anymore? Have you ever felt the longing feeling for someone you can't see and touch anymore?

"Mom, it's been four consecutive years of your birthday that you have not been around. Here I am Ma, I can throw you a simple birthday celebration if we want to but you're not here anymore. Happy birthday Ma. And I miss you!"

It's my mother's birthday yesterday. I'm just sad that I never had able to throw her a simple birthday party when she was still alive. My mom died after two months that I graduated college. Do you want to know how sad it happened when she leave us? Here's my sad story that I want to let out.

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My saddest story in life: LOSING MOM

It was August 9 when mom got confined in the hospital. She's been experiencing too many headaches. That time I was not at home. I visited my girlfriend (my wife) in her boarding house because it's been a while since we didn't see each other. After all, I had already graduated from college. After we received a call that mom was admitted to the hospital, I and my wife didn't hesitate to come over and the ones who take care of her. Even though my wife at that time was busy with her practice teaching, she didn't hesitate to come with me to the hospital and the one who assisted my mom. We saw how my mom cried a lot because of a headache. Within a week, my mom suffers a lot and within that week also, my wife always went to the hospital to help me look after mom. I don't want to see mom suffering from her sickness that we didn't know yet what it was. Until she got discharged. She just got discharged even if she's not that fine yet. But we don't have money at that time for hospital bills because my father don't have a job and I also was taking my review for the LET examination. Until she stayed in our house for a week. She's weak and worst, she can't recognize us sometimes. Sometimes we see her like she's counting money in her hands even if there's none. She will then act to give it to my uncle's wife and will say it's a payment for her debt.

My parents have lots of debt before when she was still alive. It's because my father has no regular work and has vices. I am not close to my father before because I hated his vices and seems not to care if mom will have a hard time looking for money for us. Until when mom got sick and I can't stop myself to get mad at my father. After mom stayed in the house for a week, we needed to bring him to the hospital in Tacloban coz she was having a seizure. I didn't go to the hospital that time and went to my wife. My reasons? I don't want to see mom suffering and it hurts a lot. It was the time that I got mad with my father because he seems chilling with his friends and to have liquor. And that was the time my wife got mad at me. We went home to our house and she shouted at me that it was my mother who needs me and that I should set aside what I felt for my father. She also talked to my grandmother (mother's side) with an angry voice that they should not accuse me of not having single care for my mother because they don't know what I've been through looking at my mom. I was taken a back when she talked like that to my relatives because she have a soft voice and it was the first time. I also hear her saying sorry to them for saying such because she just can't let other people judge me just because I don't want to go to the hospital. And then, she put my clothes on my bag and said I should go and she called a 'habal-habal' and left me behind saying that she'll need to go back to the university. I then went to the hospital in Tacloban where my mom was confined. There, I saw her having a lot of tubes in her body and still suffering in pain. I stayed there for a week and never received a message from my wife. So, after a week, I went to her boarding house and stayed there to know how she is since she got mad at me before she left the house.

I arrived around 5 pm and she was still at the university. I lay down in bed because I don't feel fine. I felt like vomiting but didn't mind it. When she came into her boarding house she was shocked about why I was there. She then asked me if I ate already but I was still lying in her bed saying I'm fine. But she looked at me intently and asked what happen and how was mom. I told her about my mom's condition. After a talk, I told her I need to go to the comfort room. So I went there and I saw that my waste was color black. I didn't tell her about it because I thought it was fine. Until I always need to go to the comfort room and there, I saw my waste is not normal anymore because it was like water with black color, and when I flushed it turns color red. It was the time I asked her to see my stool and there she saw it and she was trembling. And then I vomit with the same color. It was already night that's why we didn't go to the hospital even if she was telling me we need to go. She asked me what I was eating before I arrived at her boarding house. I told her that I accidentally ate expired food during my session in looking for my mom because my sister didn't look for it. I thought that time that it was the reason. My wife didn't have enough sleep at that time and kept on checking on me. I told her to take some sleep because she have a class the next morning but she didn't. I hate seeing her worried because she's a cry baby.

Morning came and I am still not fine and I am so pale. My wife didn't hesitate to bring me to the hospital and asked her brother to give her money in advance. So she received 600 pesos. And when we arrived at the near hospital, I was confined and need 3 bags of blood. I saw her crying hard and don't know what to do. She texted her cooperating teacher that she needs to excuse herself that day because she need to look over for me coz no one will be there since my father was also in the hospital in Tacloban. She called my father who was in the hospital and he said that I should transfer to where my mom was confined. So, that night, September 3, 2019, I was transferred to the hospital where my mom was confined and there, we learned that she was in the ICU. I asked myself what kind of curse we had at that time. I and my mom were in the hospital. My wife excused herself for 1 week and explained to her cooperating teacher. I am so happy she was with me at that time because I felt so lost and hopeless.

Within a week, I felt okay. I already undergo a blood transfusion. And in my seventh day, I was discharged. Before we went home to our house, we went to the ICU where mom was. We were happy to see that she was getting fine because her heart rate is normal already. We told her that we were going home and we'll wait for her. So, we went home that afternoon. Around 7 pm, we were waiting for the van to travel. I am leaning on my wife's shoulder. She was busy with her phone so I told her to take a nap. But she was still busy with her phone until someone called her around 8 pm while we were on travel. She's not talking and just told me to take some sleep so I did. We arrived home at 11 pm when she suddenly cried and told my grandma to prepare the bed for my mom who was going home. I was thinking why she was crying when mom was coming home already. Until she faced me and said the most painful words. She said mom was dead already. My sister cried loud after a minute that she heard it. She was shocked and was rambling that mom was fine when we were going home. My mom died when I was discharged, September 9, 2018.

I went to my room and my wife followed. I just cried silently and wasn't talking. Honestly, all I felt at that time was anger toward my father. Because it won't happen to mom if he did his best. My mom was stressed because of money and debt. It was so hard to accept the fact of losing mom. And it's hard for me to forgive my father but glad I still did after a year.
I and my father now are on good terms already because I saw him changing for the better after 3 years. I still hope for better in the future.

Mom died and didn't able to witness that I passed the exam without me having a good review because of what had happened to us for losing her. And she didn't witness that I was hired in the public school. It's her dream for me. I'm happy that I made it but also sad because she's not here.

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A lot of things happened and she's not here with us. And the only thing that I can do for her is to fulfill my promise that I'll support my siblings in their studies. Regarding my father, he seems to get better now and knows his responsibilities. I just hope that the changes he has for us will be forever. I also hope that he won't have some debt now that mom was gone. I already paid those and I hope there's no other session of paying debts because life is hard now.

Now that mom is in heaven, I'll just make things for her by helping my siblings. I just also hope that my siblings will know and remember how our mother sacrificed a lot for us. I always remind them that mom did everything for us and it's not her choice of leaving us behind. It's just that her body got tired.

That's why I don't want to give my wife a headache and stress. As much as possible, I don't want her to be stressed because of me. I know I am not a perfect husband but all I want is that I don't want my wife to suffer just like what my mom had before.

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Thank you for reading my sad post today. I am just here missing mom during her birthday. That's all for today's post have a great day ahead everyone. Have a nice week to all.