I need to get it out. Sitting here, alone in the house. The house in which I found my brother in law dead today. I need to write about it. I feel empty, I didn't even cried yet. 52 is not an age to go. Nor is it that you knock as every Sunday, because Scholli showed up with cake and we all meet for coffee, but this time no answer. You don't think about it, you go down knock again. You don't think anything.
You don't think anything until your sisters sends Scholli and me a message asking if Maik is at home. My sisters boyfriend for almost 20 years! Then you see his bike in the basement, the car which with whom he should have been at my sisters place, in the front of the house. You don't think anything because he probably took his bike until you take the look. And then what? Scholli knocked again and walked in his apartment while I was in mine upstairs.
I only heard him call "Annnnnaaa" and I knew. I called 112 while walking downstairs, went into his apt and then you see what you don't want to see. Within minutes, felt like hours, the Er and police showed up. You don't think anything cause it is this freaking nightmare you are in and no it did not happen. It cannot be. Standing outside in the cold cause you don't wanna go inside again. Not even upstairs. Outside it feels more unreal. Shock is killing all emotions, which is good, which is why I type the words I type now. To remember? To tell you that for us the movie became real? To show you what it is like? I'm scared for the coming days. When reality hits.
Police asked a lot of questions. Sealed the apartment. His family lives 6 hours away. His dad has his 80sth next week, his niece birthday today.
You always think it happens only to others until it happens to you. When family is involved it is a big fuck up! It is a big fuck up and I wish for myself to find the strength to type words here. Words that those who take the burden to read may show ...I don't know. I don't think anything. I'm in the house pretending it is a normal Sunday.
Phase 1: Shock
Hugs to you Anna! It can be a shock when unexpected like that. For me, the best thing was when I could let go the fear of feeling the pain, allow myself to feel sad when sad, but work to keep those times brief as possible and learn to re-focus on the happy times we had shared. The good times when we made each other smile, and carry those pictures and memories around in my head.
I used to not be a believer in past or future lives, at some point that changed (at the very time I started digging deeper into research and critical investigation btw). For me, someone that had pushed away the memories and pain of loss for decades, it was a huge change to finally welcome that persons memories, thoughts, and spirit back into my life.
Take your time to grief in the time and way best for you. Find some way to honor him. Then I hope you can also find a way to welcome the happy memories, thoughts, and visions back in. Feeling him looking over once in awhile, maybe even hearing advice or comments on things now and again.
What would his advice be to you now?
Big Hugs.
K
Hey Kris, sorry for coming back late here, craziest shit happens but I wanna thank you still for your words! Hugs!
Ah, no worries, I meant to reply to your last one as well, but had a crazy few days at work. Full moon brought them out this month for sure. I really feel for you going through the pain with "the family", it's really disgusting to me how so many people turn into vultures and hyena's fighting over scraps from people they didn't even bother with in life. Step back and view from detached. It's all really just a play happening in the distance. Focus back on yourself and gathering more positive folks (or pets) around you. Plenty of virtual hugs and real hugs when you're ready to move past that painful day.
The vultures have arrived :(. I would have thought they'd ask the one living in a community with him how he lived or what may have been important to him. Nothing. Where are the values and the rest is trash. I live in this house too and my stuff is mixed all over. The faces when I said that I have to go through the house to recover belongings of me and those in Maiks interest, not what I expected. They looked at me like I'm a thief or what. My trust in moral or ethics has been shattered a lot lately.
I'm so sorry to read this, it'sterrible. My condolences. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I hope you can at least get some sleep and rest. You'll need the strength.
Stay strong my friend ❤️ 🤗 and I'm here.
<3
I am sorry that you are going through this.
Sorry to hear of your loss! That’s never easy especially being the ones to find the poor guy. Hopefully he didn’t suffer but it sounds like he may not have, which is the best way. Prayers for you and your family!
I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope it will get better and you're given the strength to go through this.
wow...so sorry for this - I came by to say hi, then read this ...so sorry
Jesus, Anna, this is horrible. I'm so sorry!!!! So hard. I hope your home can become home again, but I know it will never be the same if it does.
Thanks Anna, I can't afford to rent the house, we shared the rent with whom lived here but now...I have no network here, I only stayed in that area for so long due to my relationship, which crumbled away like recently. Maik was my buddy and "network" besides José. Now it is my old dog and me and we are at point zero with a bunch of question marks in my head. No answers for me right now lol. I also have no power. All the strength goes into his relatives and my sister which is ok. In the end and with all the crazy circumstances surrounding the case I am on the way to have lost faith in human kind period. Lone wolf...my new path.
I'm a lone wolf right now and really digging it. Needed it to heal from a lot of stuff, so hopefully you get that, too. But also right now your shit is absolutely bonkers. I'm hoping that as it un-bonkers you find more comfort and clarity. Also, do you have someone, anyone, in whose arms you can cry? Besides Joy's, his arms are too short to hold you.
Sounds sad, but I'm alone with my shit. José is there for now. Him and Maik were my close circle. Everyone else is more friends with my sis, they already hinted to me that it is not about me but my sister. Which is 100% fine, but yah, I don't have a support system in that regard. I do, but it is just José and he is going to leave sometime soon. I'm trying to write sth today because since yesterday I crumble along. My own personal pressure is almost too much to bare for me....even for me. Since 3 years I have no time to breathe, just managing through the shit I find myself in. But at least I had my buddies. Now Joy is my light but he is not doing too well either. Shit shit shit...I'm gonna draw a shit pic expressing my situation...love that you are my pee pee shit what comes along bro here...