I have been struggling to contribute to this community but because the admin always knows how to fish for a healing response, here I am.
I am banking on the universe choosing this exact minute for me to dive into this attentively. For the circumstances to align with something asked of my soul. I am guilty of reblogging this without really opening the link a day or so ago and it is only now that I am absorbing these consuming questions that seek to tell on my current situation.
After years of living either stuck in the past or sabotaging the future, my healing man is learning to lean into gratitude and that is teaching me about the joy of living in the present. It has been one of those journeys that have forced my soul to shed so much baggage and allowed me to atually breath.
But life has keeps a jar of suprises and I slip back into that way of thinking or worse. When that happens, i give in to the old way of doing things and I am struggling to leave that space as we speak.
I feel like getting back up from a fall your ego didn't see is the hardest but the how everything crumbles after it is deadlier than the falling. I am currently avoiding writing as mine crops from my perspective of the world and that also means being vulnerable.
I don't have a circle of friends and leaving my house is something my social anxiety denied me so my outlet is through prose. There are times it attracts the wrong kind of attention and I haven't been feeling courageous enough to deal with that possible aftermath.
Emotionally, I feel drained.
The harshness that has spewed from the mistakes I made last year has shadowed my ability to see them as learnt lessons and my inner critic has found something to anchor me in self doubts. That has led me here -late on rent while staring at an empty fridge and gas cylinder- and fighting to befriend the ink.
This in return has robbed of the magic or living in the moment. I keep going back to a time I thought I had everything figured out. My mind selectively chooses to go back and try to fix where the mess began but wont address my being miserable over losing it all.
Its a vicious cycle.
I know that I haven't managed to heal because I am yet to come to terms with the losses but now it is hokding me back from doing my best to rise back up. Partially, I'll blame the financial fatigue as money is needed to create a way to create more.
What I mean is before I log in here, there needs to be food in the house and nowadays that's harder than logging in here just to share the same. The rest of the blame goes to the aftermath of trying and failing in something you want more than anything.
I was emotionally invested in my farm and getting over it is harder than I would've expected.
The future calls though. I plan on rebuilding. The farm must scale down to a balcony garden and I have to incorporate a bit of writing here and there. I would love to restart something I did in 2017 and 2018 for extra income to help rebalance the financial frequency but it does require a capital I don't have.
But if I can find my way back to a bit of stability, I am down for a fresh start.
This is my entry for this week's minimalistic blogging idea.
wambuku w.
I've been wondering what happened to your farm. I remember how positive you felt about it, and was happy you had found something so wonderful to devote yourself to. For a while, you had it. I'm sorry you lost it. Honestly, even my small yard is more than I can handle all by myself, so a balcony garden sounds just the thing to me.
Farming is a tough business to be in. So much can go wrong!
But you are writing fairly regularly it seems. I hopw that gives you joy and hope. You've got this.
I stopped going there after they stole my produce in the last dry season. This is back in December. I had a divine connection to that place but I guess it was in the way of what the universe has in store for me.
The balcony is waiting and I intend on gardening either way. It will have to be enough until I can buy a piece of land.
Yes it is. I am a witness of how bad passion takes failure!
I keep getting distracted by a tiresome life but I am fighting to stay here. Thank you. Always :)
Someone stole your produce? I tried to find info on this on your blog, but couldn't. That must have been awful. Groundhogs once ate everything in a garden of mine down to leafless stalks, and I was devastated. I can't imagine what I would feel had the theives been humans. Defeated for sure. Unwilling to try again. I'm so sorry.
It broke my spirit. I tried to share it through my usual rants but I filtered through prose but to be honest it's the reason why I quit this community. I felt like I owed everyone an explanation but was too bitter to offer one positively.
Thank you for the kind words.
I hope that you are persuing the balcony garden. It will give you a lot of pleasure, solace and you will see the fruits of your labour. The best part about gardening is that it keep one present -that is what I think anyway.
I have the same name on Discord - I am also in the Hive community there as well.
I haven't started as I have been looking for the cheapest way to set it up but I intend to. Can't wait for my sacred place.
Searched for you, but can't find you. I am not in the hive community... Just wanted to confirm a few things about the space but I have settled for researching. Thank you.
Well said! That's what I discovered through introspection and when I shifted my mindset to living in the present, it was like a light bulb was switched on and my life changed for the better.
🤗
A small balcony garden would be a step in the right direction, not just in the practical sense of downsizing from a farm, but in the emotional sense of keeping you grounded, which will help to increase your confidence in other ways.
Healing takes time, and it's happening even at times when you feel like you're falling back into a rut.🙏
Thanks for your #KISS
I enjoyed it 😉
lips sealed
I know it takes a mindset shift but the art of sliding back to its cycle is what consumes me.
The small garden is my way out mentally. I am crafting the cheapest way to do it 🙌
Thank you for your encouraging words always.
You're very welcome.
Have a lovely week:)