How exhausting it is to "fit in"

A few days ago, at a gathering with several acquaintances, one of them started talking about one of my social media accounts and, laughing, they mentioned that the photos I posted were very boring and not at all aesthetically pleasing. For a second, I laughed because, honestly, it's true that I don't usually post photos of myself or photos that show I tried to do something important to me, regardless of their quality; but yes, they looked like photos from influencers' Instagram accounts.

But that also reminded me of something from my teenage years, when people did laugh at me for the photos I posted on my social media, and at the time it affected me so much that I tried really hard to take better photos or edit them in a way that others would like, even if I didn't like them myself. And in the end, it wasn't enough because some things don't come easily to me, and editing or modifying my photos to suit other people's tastes isn't my strong suit.

This wasn't just a recurring theme in my social media photos, but also in the way I dressed, and sometimes even in the way I spoke. Then everything evolved, and my tastes also became a source of ridicule. And don't think that's not the case, but small comments that seem insignificant, when they remind you of things from your past, do affect you a little because it's very human to want to fit in.

And removing the tinsel in real life means that this doesn't affect me so much anymore. Sometimes people just make a comment without thinking, and I may take it more seriously than I should, and I also end up feeling a little bad or overthinking why they said it and if it really has anything to do with me. So that day, meeting with those acquaintances, I told myself that I couldn't keep turning into a little girl when I feel a little threatened by rejection.

While there are things from childhood that become a fundamental part of who we are as adults and can even mark us for a long time, the truth is that we can work on it so that it doesn't make life more difficult than it already is. So my goal is to work on that a little more; not taking other people's jokes seriously, even if they have a double meaning, feels like the first step toward that.

The only thing I can control is what I do, so I can try not to say things that might make others feel bad, and even though it's inevitable that I'll do it sometimes, my effort counts a lot to me. Because there's no double meaning in which I try to hurt someone else to make others laugh or to make them feel less than they are, because what I said was totally innocent and my intention was never to hurt the other person.

Why did I specifically think of this as a goal to get rid of? Because just a few days ago, I felt terrible about something someone said about me, and even now it makes me feel a little uncomfortable; and if I think about it too much, I know it will make me sad. I don't like that at all, because even though I love someone very much, only I can decide how something affects me, and it makes no sense for me to allow someone else to have power over that in me.

So, even though I've worked hard not to care what others think about me and I can laugh when others laugh at the photos I take or what I post on my social media, there are always specific comments that can have an impact on me, especially those that make me feel like I don't fit in or like someone I care about doesn't like me. Because in the end, we are social beings, and being able to have friends and be accepted by them is part of who we are.

And although I talked about one thing I want to get rid of, I feel that it encompasses many other things and is also one of the things that is affecting me the most right now. On the other hand, I'm going to stick with what I do quite well, such as being able to have people who love me, who are free to talk to me and tell me their things, knowing that whatever they say is not intended to hurt me.

I'm also keeping the ability to know when someone wants to hurt me and having the strength to walk away if necessary, so that I can have people in my life who add to my life and help me grow a little more every day. And last but not least, I also take with me the ability I have developed to know when there is something in me that I need to change or improve; this has helped me develop habits that have done me good emotionally and physically.