Way Back to God: My Lenten Spiritual Journey 

Konnichiwa Hivers! It's me again, your one and only ridgette, and for today, I'm going to share with you all my lenten experiences. Our school break was really abrupt, yet I was totally satisfied with how it paved the way for the experiences that nurtured my spiritual health. I'm not sure if I was able to satisfy my academic needs because our professors gave us a lot of things to do during our so-called long weekend. Like, (lol), how can we actually do all of those things? Can't they just let us repent in peace? (heh, just joking.) Yeah, I'm starting to be a whiner again, but I can't just help it.

_{loyal schoolworks—definitely won't leave me alone}

Anyways, let's move on to the good side of my long weekend—since I don't like those school works, I leave them alone ('cause that's what people do to the people they don't like, right? ). I felt quite guilty and worried about leaving my schoolwork because I once promised that I wouldn't procrastinate again (promises were sure made to be broken), and I also know this thought will haunt me during my procrastination period. You see, I'm an extreme overthinker and, unfortunately, a pessimist as well. Worrying about those school works will not really help me enjoy and savor the moments of my short break, but it seems God has other plans for me at that time. He led me to experience a lenten week full of surprises and memorable things (not all experiences were positive ones though...), and those really gave me new and meaningful insights that somehow shed light on the current state I'm in.

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Unlike last year, this year's lenten season allowed me to focus on nurturing my spiritual health as well as my connection to God. I was really a mess last year—I'm literally unstable in all of the aspects of my being. Now I'm slowly adapting to the changes that came to my life, yet there's still that yearning—a yearning that I felt for my old life. Before, everything was almost planned, and my plans went smoothly. It was boring, yet I am satisfied with it because there's a sense of certainty in every choice that I made. That certainty sure didn't last long because of the disease I've been diagnosed with.

Now, I'm much more anxious about everything because I know there's no certainty in my life anymore because, in every second, there's a possibility that my own body will betray me. I've already experienced being almost killed by my own body system, and it's really painful. It's quite funny to think that I can't even trust my own body, but certainly I know this happens for a reason. I know I've been negligent about the state of my faith because I became used to relying entirely on myself. I've forgotten that everything I've got was from him, and this year's lenten experience somehow reminded me of how my life would be meaningless without my faith in Him.

So now, I'll share with you all the highlights of my long weekend in Holy Week!

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Palm Sunday

I wasn't able to go to mass that morning because we have NSTP class on Sunday. That afternoon, we went to the Immaculate Heart of Mary Parish, and it was packed as usual. We're late for the 3:00 pm mass that we planned to attend, so we just attended the 4:30 mass. The Church was under ceiling renovation because from the usual white ceiling it has, they decided to add paintings to it. After weeks of elaborate work, the painting in the middle was finished. It was really beautiful. The details were astonishing, and it was obviously made intricately.

After an almost thirty-minute wait for the next mass (and also gazing at the painting on the ceiling), the mass started. The homily of the presiding priest was really inspiring because he said that what God really wants from us isn't the deeds of man, for it is our genuine repentance that he truly yearns for. He said that God is merciful, and He will grant forgiveness to you if you genuinely seek it. That's why father urged us to seek forgiveness and repent of our sins during Holy Week so that, before the resurrection of His Son, we'll be able to fully accept the Holy Spirit in our hearts.

Before the mass ended, we had our palm leaves blessed, and afterwards, father gave his final blessing. Although we initially planned to go home before 5:00, the change of plans made us go home a little late. Even though our plan didn't go the way we expected, we're certain that we're happy with the learnings we've got from the mass.

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Holy Thursday

Our lenten school break officially started that day, and because I wasn't able to join my family in visiting Sto. Niño last Sunday, my mother decided to just move my visit to Thursday. That day I woke up early to prepare my stuff, and after almost an hour of preparation, we're good to go. My sister decided to tag along because she wanted to also visit Sto. Niño again and as well to join us in confession. It was my first lenten confession because the past confessions that I've attended were usually before December or in the late months of the year. It was new for me to confess during the Lenten season, and I'm hoping that day will be a good experience.

The road was usually silent because there were only a few commuters and motorists on the road that day. The bus we're riding was really spacious and almost bare except for us. The bus stopped a lot of times because the driver was hoping that it could get more passengers during the stopovers, but unfortunately, there were really few people who wanted to travel to the city at that time. After more than an hour, we were able to reach our destination. The city was also silent, and the usual bustling crowd of people was missing.

Compared to other religious happenings that happened in Basilica Minore del Sto. Niño, that day the basilica was not packed. Due to that, we thought there would be a few people who were going to confess that day, but we're greatly mistaken. The line to confession was long, so we waited again for almost an hour to have our confession. Honestly, I was nervous because it's been a long time since I've last confessed (phew, it was last 2021—it's almost three years, huhuhu).

I never expected to be emotional during confession, but it seems there's an unknown force that made me cry during my confession. At first, it's just a weak urge to cry, but I don't know why it escalated to much more uncontrollable sobbing. It's like I couldn't control my feelings and emotions at that time anymore. All of the heavy feelings that I've kept for years were unleashed. The anxiety, the regret, the despair, and the hopelessness seem to have toppled down my emotional defense at that time. I was still crying even after I left the confession room, and it only subsided when I finished praying in the adoration chapel.

_{my sister still gushing about her confession experience}

After the confession, we looked around a bit, and we decided to take an early lunch because we're quite hungry. Our trip back home was really the opposite of how we travel towards the basilica. We didn't immediately find a bus to ride, and when we found one, it was quite packed. It was past eleven in the morning when we arrived at our home. The heat was scorching that day, yet I really felt refreshed because the confession dispelled some of my burdens, and I'm really grateful for that.

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Good Friday

Like the previous day, the heat was also scorching, so we decided to attend mass that's past three in the afternoon and also join the procession afterwards. We arrived at the church before the mass started, but unfortunately, we weren't able to sit because the church was packed. It was really crowded inside, so we just stayed outside. We didn't expect that the mass would last for almost two hours, so during that time we endured standing for like two hours, and afterwards we joined the procession.

We waited for another few minutes to start the procession. The road was packed with devotees who decided to join the procession. It was past five p.m. when we started walking. We carried a lighted candle while walking for hours (it was slow, though). It was naturally tiring, but it made me realize how easy that experience would be compared to the walk that Jesus had towards Mt. Cavalry. He indeed sacrificed greatly for us, mere human beings.

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Black Saturday

I was exhausted from the previous day's procession, so I woke up late. Although my leg muscles weren't sore from the walk, I've been really sleepy throughout the day. So I somehow hesitated when my mother asked me to join the Easter vigil at Franciscan Church, but in the end I was convinced by her. Well, it's more like I got pity on her because she said that she'd be walking alone if I didn't join her, so I guess my guilt leaves me no choice.

_{the ceremonial bonfire before the Easter vigil}

Anyway, we arrived past five at the Franciscan Church, and I thought the mass had already started because my mother told me that it would start at five p.m. The actual vigil started at almost 6 p.m., and I didn't expect that. I was really sleepy throughout the vigil, but I endured the temptation to sleep for three more hours. I felt really hungry later during the vigil, too, but I endured it all while waiting for it to end. The vigil ended at nine p.m., and honestly, I didn't feel hungry anymore, just the pure urge to lie down and sleep soundly. We arrived at our home at almost 10 p.m., but I didn't sleep immediately because, unfortunately, I recovered from my sleepiness (which was really funny because I stayed up until almost midnight).

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My lenten break was undeniably short, yet I can say it's really meaningful. I gained a considerable amount of insight and realization during those experiences. Those experiences of mine somehow taught me that no matter how brief that experience could be, when you really utilized well your time during that experience, then you'll not regret having that miniscule time. Like in life, I realized that having a long life doesn't guarantee satisfaction and happiness because those will depend on how you utilize your time. If you were able to do the things you love during your lifetime, then you'd not yearn for eternal life here on Earth anymore. Genuine contentment is something you need to work on in your lifetime because, through that, you'll be able to transcend to a much more favorable place—a place that you've been yearning to rest after the hard battles in your life.