Since November of last year, I've been consumed with various aspects of life, and although I have a lot to say, I don't feel like writing about food and travel lately. My life is a mess, my thoughts are in disarray, and it feels like everything is becoming too much for me to handle. I want to pour these thoughts out of me because any minute now I might explode, and even though it's only February, it seems like it's been a demi-decade to me.
My mental health is not at its best right now, and I feel as though I'm like a delicate vase with a barely noticeable crack that no one else can see. I should be happy with the job opportunity I have received this month; however, I can no longer see the yin and the yang. It seems like everything has shifted and is now in favor of the stressors. It's not that I'm not happy about the new opportunities, but I really can't help but wonder how I'm going to escape this situation.
At first, it felt like a responsibility—something I should do since I'm the eldest. But lately, it feels like a prison. I don't have anyone to talk to right now who would not get irritated with my current situation. Even my main support in this wobbly life is starting to get disappointed—not in me, but with the situation. Well, I can't blame him. He doesn't deserve to be in this kind of situation with me. He's been selfless since the beginning of our relationship.
I am also fed up with the lows and the never-ending lows. But I am not a quitter; I was not raised to be one. But the empathetic side of me is taking over, and I'm stuck in a loop, on the verge of throwing in the towel. I dug my own grave, and there is no one to hold responsible except myself. Nevertheless, the remaining percentage of me still wants to push forward, even though it feels like I'm swimming towards an abyss rather than the shore. I don't yet know how to save both the present and my future.
They say money can't buy happiness, but that's not true in my case. It's funny when I tell myself to pursue the career path I want to take, but honestly, it's always the salary because I can't turn a blind eye to the responsibilities. So I decided to do what I've been already doing, my comfort zone. I just hope I'll be able to find joy and grow in the new concrete jungle I'm heading towards.
What's written is like an abstract, I guess. I intend to pour out some of my thoughts, but not in detail. But somehow, it lightens my mood.
K N E E L Y R A C
It takes time to heal and never quit finding the healing that you need. I had that feeling for the enrity of last year. A feeling that as if everything I would do falls apart.
I feel what you're feeling right now. I'm an eldest too and perhaps a breadwinner. We wanted to pursue self-discovery and build the passion that will eventually make money comes in, but we can't turn a blind eye of the responsibilities in our shoulder. Just an advice, take easy on yourself. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to be alone, be alone. But never ever quit yourself.
Just to share, I decided to quit a decade job in the hope of sorting out what is missing in my life. But right now, I'm still going through healing. The new job seems revolting within me. A lot of doubts and questions. What if it fails? What if it comes through? What if... too many what ifs.
At the end of the day, remember to take easy on yourself. Do something you have never done before. That's what I had been doing, self-rediscovery. Never quit the process of healing. Sooner or later, life will take us to a place of bliss and of dreams coming through.
I have enjoyed your instrospection. Continue to live and dream!
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I feel you dear. Like, there's still a lot of times that I felt like I am the unluckiest among the unluckiest people. Lucky you, you still have something like a means of income. Unlike me, that still struggling to have one.
Aww, I know the feeling of this, Kneel. Ang ginagawa ko e I just write it down tapos burahin ko. Hirap din. Pero lavarn lang, Kneel!
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Kneeeel.. How I wish I could comfort you but I just don't know how. I feel your emotions in this post. I mean, I don't know the exact feeling you felt but I feel sad right now.
I so feel this. It's just that you want to do something different but at the end of the day, you end up not doing it because of the weight you're carrying. Butttt someday kneel, you'll be able to do what you want. I hope you do.
Keep fighting, because it's tough but there is always better waiting. Just stay the course. You seem like a fighter, so I'm sure you will pull through.
@kneelyrac
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