I am glad you are out of that relationship, I really feel for you.
It is really sad when people do something bad and then they feel they need to double down in order to defend themselves for doing something bad instead of admitting that they've done wrong.
Yeah, it was definitely a low point in my life. I did not realize how common this kind of thing is, but I've since have strong boundaries that I will not let anyone break. If it's an accident or only words and only once, they may get a pass, but I do not reward any abusive behavior just because it comes with an apology.
It sounds like we are quite similar. My partner and I are also living abroad, and from different countries, and we learned together how to stop accepting abuse and to stop being abusive when we didn't realize we were being abusive. I am glad you are moving up out of that too!
Lol, it makes two of us trust me (actually three of us, because my boyfriend was a friend at the time I was in that relationship, and he was all too happy when I started to see the light). It's just so freaking weird that you wear pink glasses and your boundaries slowly fade..
What I learned, and so did you, so it seems from reading your comment, is to have a very good radar for people with these type of personalities and I will not allow them near my family. There have been a few occasions where work related friends of my boyfriend were invited in our home, and I instantly had radars go off, so didn't want them in our home anymore. At first, it was a bit of a struggle to make him see what I saw, as my radar can go off real early without any other signs to confirm, but I learned to trust that gut feeling as it has never failed me. While on the other hand, I have failed listening to it for years and it cost me a lot.
At least I grew as a person and learned some good life lessons, right? Got to try to see the positive sides to not dwell in misery. And I feel you, honestly I do, I know my strong reactions to triggers from the past ( maybe a word said by my boyfriend was enough to let me go off) have caused me a lot of anger, while in fact I wasn't angry at him, but still processing traumas and triggers. But I do believe if a relationship is strong enough to get through that, you can make anything work!
Where are you both from if I may ask? :) if that's too private, please just don't answer :)
Not too private for discord. I'm from the US. I can talk more about her off chain ;-) discord: whatamIdoing#4716