Ashaa Othoba Nirashaa: Hopeless but hoping

Have you ever been in such kind of situation where you find yourself hopeless but still hoping? Whilst hope is just a normal feeling and hopelessness exactly the opposite.
I never thought I would write about this but it is a true reality of my life how can I even ignore it?

So what am I going to write? Why did I choose this title? umm, many questions but let's go with the flow. I am obviously not going to write a fantasy story and after reading this I am not sure what many of you will think of me but it is what it is.

Hopeless but hoping

My life is very simple I always got what I wanted. My baba(father) always wanted me to study medicine. My preference was totally opposite. I wanted to study Fashion but I was forced to study medicine since I belong to such a family where your father elder brother and sister are already Doctors.

Unwillingly I took admission in Fsc. I still remember how I used to sleep in the biology class lol. In just one month of medical study, I figured I can't study this. I didn't bother to ask anyone in the house I went straight to the admin office and requested to change the subjects.

Since I was changing my subjects I didn't have any option except for pre-engineering. Again in pre-engineering, there was a Chemistry :P XD but I told myself it is ok at least you don't have to study Biology :P.

After changing my subjects when I told my baba that I changed my subjects I can't study Biology he said it's ok. He even apologized that he forced me. The purpose of telling this story is I always got what I wished for. So for me, everything is full of hope and I am living my life on fullest.

Now the second phase of my story. Now it's about my college days. before saying anything I'd like to mention I've never been into any kind of relationship and commitment. There is a strong reason behind why I started hating relationships. Our college has 2 major buildings one big bridge connects both buildings. Science department and art department. I wanted to take some information about Art festival so I and my friend decided to go to the second building. When we were crossing the bridge I saw one girl crying bitterly. She was actually slapping herself. We were shocked to see all that drama. I had a water bottle in my hand I gave her a bottle and tried to keep her calm. But she refused to take anything.

That situation was very weird and shocking at the same time. She wasn't ready to listen to anything then we left her alone. Next day we heard she committed suicide and that day was like a black day in my college.

After that incident whenever i hear or read any suicide case or attempt It always kills me. What kind of hopelessness would have been there that she committed suicide?
Many stories came out but the main reason was being dumped in love. The love story is really wicked and this post is not for that.

And then the series of stories like this went on. And such stories took away my trust from this word love.

But then suddenly someone came into my life. And then slowly and steadily everything changed. The journey from respect to likeness and then I don't know when likeness turned into love.

I was a silent lover. I never wanted to express my feelings. But then I started expressing my feelings in such a way that no one still doesn't know who that person is :P XD

I know I am in love with a person who I can't have. It is an impossible love. But When you are in love you can't help it.

There is just hopelessness no hope. But still, I am hoping I don't know why. What else could be more painful than this finally you are in love you can't have it?
One-sided love, no one can understand better than me. I never thought I can be in love and if now I am that would be one-sided :P XD

This is my story of hopeless but still hoping. And I don't know what I am hoping seriously. All I want is I want to see that person happy, healthy that's it.

Life is uncertain but one thing is certain I can never forget him.

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